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"Be brave and earnest and strong."
"The highest is only attained through the high"-
Jan. Thursday 1. 1874
What we began with -
One wish makes us a little happy and an aggregation makes us a good deal happy - and we began our wishes. The pancakes evinced a disposition to be of proper thickness and quality - which we also began on. There were tickles and ripples all through the day - The shake of Col. Parker's hand in his New Year's call - (see how I was blessed-) will vibrate through me for the first six months. I have reached a limit - I have written to Elizabeth [Stuard] Phelps - and Isaiah still [dear] Isaiah --- "You should go out with joy and be led forth in peace"-
Jan. Friday 2. 1874
What was done - what to do- A glance told her both!
A storm is in prospect and I go to school without mittens - What if I had a lover and he should find my gloves - They are not "always genteel."
My sister will be judged at the last for spoiling my digestion or else for having so little strength to resist fried oysters and chicken gravy -
The days seem long when I stay up all day - and I mind it today. A petition goes forth from the ...- who sorrow not as though who have not hope.
Gertie has her head tied up - indicative of all kind of ... terms which attend neuralgia headaches - Here a glance did not tell me what to do - I know not
Jan. Saturday 3. 1874
What we felt like doing - some of the ills that flesh is heir to fell upon each of us to-day
Gertie's head is still tied up - Aggie has general debility - and I have general restlessness. But we all work - I have never ceased to be thankful that on me has fallen a good share of this world's work to do. It spares me many many hours -
... and I ran away in a Greek lesson ... - My head is all wrong - and I suppose I've got to ... to right it.
I feel restless and I want to run - ...like ... - of the fact that somebody has better success teaching grammar than in ... precious time . She enquires "How's that" -
And I echo -"How's that".
Jan. Sunday 4. 1874
What Mr. Ayers said
It has been good for me that I went to church to-day - good for me that I went to the brick church. It's a cheery sign when I come home to think -
There's something impressive in the thought of that whole [armor] we ... to put on - that word whole [rivets] my attention - And again I cannot escape from the other thought of Christ going from pew to pew to find this virtue and that virtue - this grace and that grace What would Christ, the Lord, find in my pew?
Aggie begins to get her things together for a go -- I don't like to think about her going -
I'm afraid my ... plans for . . are on sandy foundations - It seems as if ...would call for her ... but I wait in ...
Jan. Monday 5. 1874
What I feel like - You will know just how when I tell you that in order to get my sister to that mournful train I closed not my eyes- scarcely-
We went mournfully about a breakfast which nobody ate - and sat on a trunk nobody came for until I went and brought the man that ... - A sleety, slippery, dismal, aquatic morning - O dear why must if fall to us to bid good bye to ours - such times as this -
I feel like all tired ... stupid things, but there is a [next] for Hope. The first something - the ... of prayer was quiet and soothing - Who of us did not feel like praying-
"Create in us a clean heart O God" - And O do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion.
Jan. Tuesday 6 1874
What the weather is attempting - When I find out I'll tell you such performances as it is guilty of is beyond all natural and acquired knowledge of meteorology on the part of me -
The first that was ... of me was sitting before the creator - no morning Light and trying to transform inert matter into a glorious world.
"O we are little sunbeams -
Could I get to the prayer meeting and be Mr. Maynard's disciple this evening too? It was possible. By bringing out... skill she did both -
The meeting fills me with thoughts - its [sic] so grand to think of that mustard seed which in very deed was the least of all seeds!-
Jan. Wednesday 7. 1874
What befell some people and how some people fell -
Libbie Whitlock's example in Compound Preposition came out a horse and a
quarter yesterday - Today she said she'd found the other three quarters -
The walking never was worse - Castelton is a sea of glass - ... said there was one thing she wanted to see - Mr.[Hoodley] go by on the ice - coming home from church her unlawful prayer was granted - for by ... side Mr. [Hoodley] fell heroically
The prayers to-night were for families - sick ones and schools - What came forth from the hearts of the fathers - was the holy place in the meeting - I cannot help thinking what beautiful [ever] sacred things might be those that should come from the hearts of others
April, Saturday 18. 1874
In which its something else I'm up to - Upon me has fallen a conscious weight - I am almost to the depot - in the bend this side of it - before I wake up fully to the sense of it - Upon me has fallen the responsibility of the much talked about class-rings! Very truly! Also the responsibility of a box to be sent to Dan! I live through them both - I sit for a picture and almost make the man not live through it - At the latest both are alive and may recover!
I am in my parent's arms - and my salary is a comfort to other people
Jan. Friday 9. 1874
What [time] we live to -
Sister Nichols and Sister Croft are making their crown more brilliant by adding to their faith, virtue and to virtue, knowledge - and to knowledge a firsthand ... We hear that mostly -
The smiling face of Providence is not [hid].. - We are blessed with a mild, benign temperature and to folks whose mothers are gone and to whom the Morning Light is sovereign it is a blessed thing -
After school it is so pleasant that Gertie and I walk. In the happy manner of Geoffrey Chaucer I give ... a Canterbury Tale - Subject of the prayer meeting - The missionary, the Sabbath School teacher and the minister
It seems blessed to a heart bare - heart hungry to close these days with a prayer meeting
What wa -
I live too fast - So much is most certain I am a little busy and a good deal byusy and so it keeps on. To sit down and not think of anything in particular to be done would be a day of days to a head that swims -
I write Greek exercizes and I get girls ready for examination and I answer the door bell - After my hands at last drop and the light is out I want to think of our absent boy and pray and pray and pray for him but I am too tired to lift my heart to the heavenly hills.
This is not the way I was made to live and my release seems far off - The prayers are solemn and the Spirit [draws] nigh -
Righteousness and joy and peace in the Holy Ghost
What ever shall be
"Their echoes roll from soul to soul and grow forever and forever." There are a few such echoes - and they roll up from a tragic three years - O God give me the life thou didn't give thy Son.
I am glad of the Sundays - glad to see with my eyes shut a man on a cross - glad to be more and more ashamed to speak of burdens to that man on the cross-
And home - all of it makes me sorry - Where is the blessedness I knew - And Gertie will surely get homesick and tired - Poor child.
Jan. Monday 12. 1874
What Miss Ryan's latest excuse is - It has grown to be a wonder with me what that young lady will present or produce next in extenuation of absences from Sunday School exercises. Her cousins have all died one by one making her presence each time necessary, Michael or something or Timothy or something has made her folks a visit which also demanded her presence. The lady where she boards got sick and died and her aunt has fallen down stairs!
What is there left for one to do but go to bed?
All things of to day are willing to be put away - it is growing cold We are beginning to pay for April weather. A man comes seeking board. I give him [hopes]
Jan, Tuesday 13. 1874
What I do mostly
It begins to be rather doubtful who shall cut and run and at the same time - it begins to be pretty well known who must be green
I [bear] more and have my being in preparing for examination - Not a very gay life to lead you think! One thought propels all things - "Be ye also ready."
Gertie is tired tonight - Poor child it worries me to see her do so much - Think of her stirring in the kitchen, carrying up coal - lifting cinders.
I never felt so much as if I wanted to ...
A call from Mrs.Samuel [Wilhams].
Jan. Wednesday 14 1874
What of Betsy ...
I a genteel lady always genteel have to inform you that this is the fourteenth that it heralds the last week that it sends us dreams of the 21st -
The graduates are in the key of very flat - the music of which they fondly dreamed will not be - and the ... rests in the soul of the principal. He is ...day
I wander forth in a storm of ... and ... [Judge] B a committee of the whole -
Because I am a genteel lady always genteel he invites me to go to ... with him and Ella
Do you think I'll pass?
Jan. Thursday 15. 1874
What can one do to keep warm - Perhaps School master Brady of ... can tell. It has grown to be a serious question with me -
Almost everything looked toward the coming of mother to day - "She cometh not" she said.
We console ourselves with an oyster fry.
A vacant day - no music - no ... no dreams - abstract vague reality - a living on - a band that will not play with me any more.
I am walking in the way that I should go in Greek-
Jan. Friday 16. 1874
What happened at half-past eight. I had grown very much convinced about this world's being a fleeting ... - I have felt some like retracting from this strong position since the appearance of mother. She does not find much ... either fleeting or otherwise.
We have ... one at least and, he bears the noble name of Hyde - .... know a nobler name a richer blend than they.
Then ... of a rehersal - Don't tell.
This kept me form meeting my mother - but she came and I am at rest -
Jan. Saturday 17. 1874
What was and will not be for along time again-
There's ..., a wonderful consolation in the latter part of the above - One can sort of accomodate themselves to even a worse world than this - and worse things in this than ... yet know when there is a prospect of releif -
And so as I go over and over the questions before so ... with my heart full of care for those before me I stand it well for me - as I know it will not ever be again
The ride over to Farm House in the ... frosty air was like a hope of heaven in a field of graves -
How I ... in my every thought
Jan. Sunday, 18 1874
What my eyes behold!
It is for me once more to behold him whose grandfather gave him a [cart]. I have never seen the [cart].
I listen to him from Judge Bromley's seat and I am erect and very alive - He tells us this time nothing whatever concerning the chariots of ... - but discourses on peace with all men and holiness without which no man shall see God -
The Bible lesson was a help to me - in my own inner consciousness there was a joy that I had been reached and helped - That in the hand that reached and helped - there was still an infinity - and I cannot quite fall away from it even in tired busy weeks - like this and the next
Jan. Monday. 19 1874
What Susie says - and Miss ...! I have truly plenty to think of to-night - and I can be glad even with examination before me - and around me - a message long and heartsome from the other side of the Mississippi - A message more than heartsome - sweet and sad from "Our Home"-
Dr. French appears armed and invincible - He says to me "Don't stay here" My heart rises up and says "I won't no -no "but I must wait. A few souls can - He only of all others says "Go to college" - Everybody here says "no no" - After all one must know oneself and then - act alone - That comes the way most things get decided -
It is very stormy to-night and the walking is not for unsteady feet-
Jan. Tuesday 20. 1874
What fails me - Examination was designed to make my pleasures less - So much is not to be contradicted or opposed - My courage sinks to low water mark to-day and I whirl about and turn about - Most tortures in this world have an end or at least moments of repose - and mine ... - My works do not have much of a tendency to follow me - Susie's question puzzles me and I am chased by them everywhere.
R.G.- "I have the pleasure of introducing Miss Julia M. Thomas"-
"Am I my brother's keeper?"
"Am I a soldier of the cross?"
The above is a synopsis!
Jan. Wednesday 21. 1874
What stops - It opens with a snow storm which does not stop - Out doors the snow will cover you up in a few minutes - It's like .. days in ... - We all graduate with a prayer at one end and a benediction at the other - and no music - Then,we all come to ... house and eat cake and ice-cream. Then everybody goes home and I get my remaining ... of mind in getting and attempting to realize faintly what everybody has said at me - In the last month "You will have a little rest now"-
My going away for a trip or my staying home and not going hangs by a thread - which shall it be?
Jan. 22 Thursday 22. 1874
Whats the query?
My moments of unalloyed bliss are so few which of course means my vacations that its a serious matter for me when I come to decide what to do with them - Gertie and mother and the cozy home charms and Greek and French and ... and Greek History all put me in a chair & chain me. The .. blood in my veins, and my backache and my head that turns and the ... whistles all pull me off to - well wherever I want to go -
Jan. Friday 23. 1874
What is dreamt of in my philosophy - Things seem to turn in the direction of clean clothes - but I am still undecided - In this chaotic frame of mind, I step aboard the 1-30 train and find myself moving quietly toward the cruelty we all dream of when mother's gone - Something entirely [even] to me ensues - Bromleys by tens and dozens get in at each successive station - until the Bromley millinnium is suggested. It has never occurred to me before to be thankful that I was a Bromley - I've been sort of thinking that way as I chat with Judge B - and his blind brother and hear about the silver wedding they're all going to -
Well - I at last after undergoing amputation at the hands of a barber find myself eating oysters with ... and rejoicing over the appointment of Mary Bryant
Jan. Saturday 24. 1874
What this is called-
My attention seems to be drawn rather at the outset toward my night which did not pass away in song - but in chills and fever - and a burning spine and yet with all my crude disjointed ... and broken slumbers I rise with new flushed hopes to go or not go to [Syracuse] -
I am carried ... through scenes which ... over bridges near the stretches of sky and meadow toward my native country only by viewing a ... of dreams to-day -
The red and green is ... into my ... wearily - and a card or two is sent to wailing eyes at Dansville - and night comes on - which means a [splint] bed and can't it mean something cheery - Has not the night a thousand eyes - Hath not He set his love upon me?
Jan. Sunday 25. 1874
What holds me-
Not always beneath the deep or beyond the stars are the answers to life's dearest askings - To-day the word and the gift were nigh - My heart is very tender to-night God's loving spirit may find a resting place for the depths are stirred and there is no bitterness to drive the Blessed One away - There was a simple story of [manna] There was the preaching of the Lord Jesus Christ in its grand simplicity and Dr. ... heart was full - I said his closing words over and over going home in the horse [cart] -
Venture on him, venture wholly, Let no other trust intrude - none but Jesus, none but Jesus can do dying sinners good - I feel so to-night like venturing wholly -
I was real glad to see Aunt Mary a few minutes
Jan. Monday 26. 1874
What has been Hopes next -
This looks like business- I need only give you a catch word or two. "State Yard School" - "Register and keys" - "Miss Kennedy don't do so" - Think of Hope in this [barbarous] place and wonder and be silent -
Not a very gay life to lead you think - but it will lend courage to any droop of your spirit if you will try and remember first of all that you are away for a change - and next that when your day is over you can rest on [splints]
I've had a ... time in the midst of realities - That sounds good - All benefactors of the human race do just so - I go home to enter the [morasses]laid for me by Elisha Jesus
Jan. Tuesday 27. 1874
What the prospects are -
There is evidently a misunderstanding on the part of State Yard juveniles in regard to the relations they sustain to me - We do not appreciate each other - Poor little misguided heathens -
Just think of their persecuting me all day and not a ... in sight - Some [Olivers] would complain I find it cheerful to give orders and take the children up in my arms and carry them to [execute] the orders - This is not a self-acting machine -
I take to ... quite early - After a small dose of the sweet [restorer] I fly to my Greek - How comforting it is to find that the pages I have gone through with travail are ... to me as the unknown exams and exams further on
Jan. 28 Wednesday 28 1874
What I am up to
Don't forget the place - I am still found carrying children around at the State Yard School - You will be surprised to see how soon they will learn to walk - I never carry children long - Miss Hastings and I take rapid strides in getting acquainted - We are on the way -
In the evening, I ... away - My lifeless remains were interred in Aggie's chair near a [register] - and my basket was full of ... and vermilion paint -
I further distinguisheded myself by an object lesson - The lifeless remains made a melancholy effort -
Some .. pleases ...
Jan. Thursday 29 1874
What is equivalent to that which Aggie and and I put ourselves in [splint] beds - puzzled - whether that which will really be what or go to sleep without knowing - taking on trust what we can't reconcile -
Matters you see are in a ... state - It seems beneficient that Almighty hands are provided to take care of the things that grow too great for us -
To get Mary Bryant here - Mrs. [Loveland] there - at the proper moment - making the connections is too big work for me - I drop it into the hands that have never let me down -
The evening seems long and heartsome I can take comfort in an evening with Miss Hastings - and Aggie comes after night school and we talk and talk
Jan. Friday 30. 1874
What a queer world I find me in - The hands that were let down have taken my burdens. All things dovetailed and Mary is here - Some of this goes to prove that the world is queer -
I came out of State Yard to-night without a tear - I didn't greet any ... - I rejoiced in a deliverance and in the trip before me -
Here I am awake to find myself in Schenectady laughing as nobody has laughed since the panic - and my hostess is Miss Hastings - Think of that - and don't deny that the world is queer -
The lecture by Prof. Wells was a treat - so was the sight of his face and the things I could think of when my thought grew restless and I am -
Ah - There are dreams that never die -
Jan. Saturday 31. 1874
What of the night? The star of promise is shining clear and bright saith the watchman and unto Him of Calvary the gathering of the people is -
I sit once more in the ever sacred room and I am buying of Him gold tried in the fire and imploring white garment that I may be clothed - As in the olden time I am found knocking, knocking at the open door -
This covenant meeeting is full of Jesus - but when I turn my eyes to the old places I see them filled by strangers - and only here and there are those I left but it is [right] ... - or it could not be - We only learn in this way - that this is not our seat
I stay with Sadie and there is much to tell
Feb. Sunday 1. 1874
What the first day brought -
Feb. Monday 2. 1874
What a spurred one on
Feb. Tuesday 3. 1874
What form the next trouble takes - We have ups and downs at our house but chiefly downs - Since Dan's postal came and Gertie's sleep forsook her - What Dan means is entirely incomprehensible - we are left to worry about it - which we do in a manner never before attained
It was a mistake sending a boy down in our family - but we are knowing so well about this matter that the next generation may all be boys and we'll be ready for them -
One can live and worry too - The latter doesn't kill one - at least not me, any more than teaching with ... That tests endurance - Beyond that we need not look -
Feb. Wednesday 4. 1874
What everything tended toward- Becky, it wasn't a bear - not that but a bundle - bear-like in its proportions - We hope it will get along nicely without us - It will be an item to many people that they saw two girls go by with a bundle - Don't proceed - It is harrowing to my feelings -
That boy of ours - why is it that he writes us not - We are all sitting in a tub of melancholy waiting and and hoping
Helen - bless her heart has not given me up - She writes once again and with sincere contrition I promise all to myself to be good and not make her wait any more - Will I - Shall I - A moment to tell her -
Feb. Thursday 5. 1874
What I think to-night.
It is after the prayer meeting and my thoughts tend that way - I seem more in the atmosphere of God's great help than I have been in months - His rest is around my restlessness - I can venture on Him, venture wholly - I go up into the long night and my meditation of Him is sweet - I recall past moments when He was infinitely dear - and my soul is nearer the Eternal Moment - the assemblage of just souls made perfect ... I have known since my ... days began to go on -
[Dannie] does not come or write and we are still much perplexed - I revel in three days at home -
Mother is feeling miserable to-day and I am very sorry
Feb. Friday 6. 1874
What does and does not happen - It does not happen that I take Mr. Maynard's [horse] - nor that I get a letter - nor that any word comes from that boy - nor that I read my seventeen lines of Greek - not at all -
It does happen that another bundle goes and that I "am one of the means" - that back numbers of the Weekly Herald arrive - That geography questions replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion - That the mercury sinks to the depth that never dreams of thaws - or feels for mortals who were born in other latitudes -
I am glad mother is a little betterr -
Feb. Saturday 7. 1874
What comes to us -
It is a day of sharp bitter frost of a keen cold air that lurketh about and for which there is no help - The good word comes from the boy that he's well and our hearts take a rest - It is such a blessed giving from the King immortal invisible in answer to my feeble asking - Dannie cannot fall away and be our disappintment not so long as I ... him up to the everlasting Arms -
Work makes me feel good today - it is so nice to work at home - I keep in the spirit of it all the time and can hardly be persuaded to stop - I've had wonderful times visiting ... and Windsor and Brighton
Feb. Sunday 8. 1874
What comfort I have learned -
"A Presence fills my valleys and gilds my mountain tops - breathes upon the plains and they spring up in lilies and roses, flashes upon the waters and they flow to spheral melody, sweep through the forest and they [tremble] into song" -
"The fire is unquenched beneath - You go your way not disconsolate -
There needs but the Victims Voice - At the touch of the Prince's lips, life shall be perfected forever"
Feb. Monday 9. 1874
What there was of it -
One of the prominent features of the day was Mr. Maynard's horse - It will live in the memories of those who saw us -
It came over about noon and we chased the horse away - We could easily with that type of horse -
The afternoon was a rare one - just cool enough to keep the snow - just bright enough to keep us -
Snow flew from those swift hoofs thundering south - and each [move] of the charger was [strained] to full play -
Did I not guess that Mr. M. would wait for the stud at our house - Forewarned - forewarned !
Did I recite a Greek lesson ? I fear not -
Feb. Tuesday 10. 1874
What is if - ...
All our heads meditate one theme - It relates to a rag carpet and no carpet and a new carpet - It ends in our coming into possession of a new oak and green ... too pretty for us - and the rag carpet being taken up stairs -
Patience Strong would know lots of pretty things to say about this - There woud be no end of comfort in her thought of it and it would be like a piece of ... to Patience and her mother
As for one I shall like its pretty brown and oak and lighter green more and more as I live where it is - I build a castle in Ann Arbor and in its glow is my oak and brown and lighter green
Feb. Wednesday 11. 1874
What became of us -
There never was so much done before for thirty cents - In this world we are all blind leaders of the blind and in our blindness it seemed necessary to offer one of our rooms to Anna [Ostrander} - and in Mr. Maynard's blindness he said we might have his charger for thirty cents to go to [Ostrander's] and in further blindness we passed the heads of the [Ostrander] family on the road - and then came the ride from Ghent to Aix dramatized
"For one heard the quick wheeze of her chest, saw the stretched neck and the staggering knees, And sunk tail and horrible heave of the flank, As down on her haunches she shuddered and sank"* for thirty cents
*Robert Browning "How they brought the good news from Ghent to Aix"
Feb. Thursday 12. 1874
What! and did you :
The bell rang a year ago this morning and Fanny do you remember that I promised never to make you walk up to answer its call another first day February morning
This seems my girlie like one of the questions I was not allowed to answer - like one of the problems when the slate and pencil were taken from me - and in so wonder why I am made to stay here - I go up again to answer the singing of that bell.
The girls bring good cheer - There's a spirit of good ... - a new ... a golden age breathing in the very air of the Normal Hall
I go home from it into a cloud that settles black and grim - and ... - It's only like what has been so many times ...
Talk to Gertie
Feb. Friday 13 1874
What can she do!" I suppose this is one phase of the woman question - That makes me think Prof. Tyler of Amherst College has spoken thro' the columns of Scribner's Monthly and he turns the farrow and ploughs up the subjects to be considered in women's education! The "peculiar" nature of woman" - In "Her proper sphere"! O Tyler - "so new - so universal, so individual"!
But to come back from my wandering - what can she do - The answer seems to be to start a school - to be its pivot - its motive power - and its [waste] of material! Also to be able not to write to Helen ...[Allen] - not to get a Greek lesson - not to do any writing or take any ...
Feb. Sunday 15. 1874
What the dear lord is to us - so much, so very much - how can I tell alone - Let Isaiah tell how he is a covert from the storm - a hiding place from the tempest - a shadow of a great Rock in a weary land -
Let John tell how he is love - Let Psalms tell how he is a shepherd tending - Let every thing tell how he is a tender Father pitying
It is safe and best to hide in the shadow of his wing - To let him cover our defenceless heads - To-night a thought of life came over me of life as it is and will be - a life that must ... - and ... is sufficient indeed for these things
Feb. Monday 16 1874
What I know about Elisha ... - He is another man who was designed to make my pleasures less - He grows more and more incomprehensible and I can't perservere and never mind him! Anabasis is studied and forgotten and it returns [into one] void - an unfathomable void - The passages that I pour over and pour over appear for a little time and vanish away -
... comes and she brings all the cheer that she could gather from [sunny] weeks at the farm - Up in her home there is such carrying of lambs in their bosoms - such gentle leading - such comforting as mothers comfort -
I shall always love the house at the end of the ... road -
Feb. Tuesday 17. 1874
What I think of - The present is a busy, hard present - it makes me what I shall never [reap] - and it is a weary ... lately - but the past has in it a gorgeous land - "Here are cool mosses deep and thro' the moss the ivies creep - The music of ... old ... full soften them "night dews on still waters between walls of shadowy granite in a gleaming pass"* - Dark and stern may have been my walls of shadowy granite - yet always have the night dews fallen - always has there been a past transfigured -
My love - Yours is a sunny face that lights up my fears - no sunnier ...has ever shone upon one
I can best keep your birthday, dear one, in lifting up my light in immitation of yourself -
And today at the thought of you a laugh steals into my heart -
*Alfred Lord Tennyson "Song of the lotus eaters"
Feb. Wednesday 18. 1874.
What new business devolves upon ... pupils are not ... The scarcity of an aricle in all cases governs the price ... Normal students - new ones are more precious than rubies - And so as they develop any signs of being lost to us I [leave] everthing and call upon them to remain - Even my ... Greek ... has been forsaken for this - I have forgotten the assembling of myself together and only stand trembling lest another sheep be dead - This is not a state of being in the [main] desirable -
Gertie is sick - sleep frightened ...- the sweet restorer will not return and she is simply miserable - It is a shadow on the pretty ...
What is a trial balance -
I look the first thing to see if the girl I worked upon last night is here - She is not -So I fall to musing - One of my life problems has taken a definite shape - It seem to be stated as follows - "How will you get a Normal scholar? How will you keep her? Are you ingenious enough to make the solitary place be glad - to make the wilderness blossom? You may study how -
I feel so unsatisfied and forlorn to-day -
can't find ... and no pastures are green.
Who so harnesth ... the apple if mine eyes [and] mother said something cruel loud enough for dearie to hear - So I go down into a black evening
Feb. Friday 20. 1874.
What the final decision is -
I don't know what the number of this final decision is - there have been so many since the first that I have lost track - To-day proclaims one more - it makes me tired and sorry to have all my plans for Gertie fall through so - and not one thing to make up their loss - The creatures of my brain are very dear to me and I work for my plans -
There have been cheery things to-day and the traveler I have been on smoother waters - without much of any head wind I could go better with the breeze if Gertie would only be good ahd work with a will at her music -
I quote myself as an immortal example of working against ...- this in Greek
Feb. Saturday 21. 1874.
What I do not know - Here I am perfectly at home - It is perfectly remarkable the things I do not know - As a general rule I keep away from them - I don't proceed a great way from the known to the unknown - As it happens I have spirit most of today among the things I dont know - It's still Elisha James that's at the bottom of it - I may well say it's all Greek to me - I send my 13 and 14 to Prof. - with many a pang -
Jennie has been so sweet and dear since she came back - Gertie has been grim all day - and mother has spent her existence in painting - The weather is an approving smile -
So seems the world away - "O - the hills I crossed and came not to you - love -
Feb. Tuesday 24. 1874
Fall we may and fall we must - We are indeed fallen creatures - Watch one of us going up that hill - Its like the frog going up the well -
We attempt but little in the walking line -
for it takes so long to go a little way - I sort of creep up the hill but it is no ... a spectacle in [broad] day light - I can live to-day better than I could yesterday for the sun blessed us And Gertie's gone - I am sorrier than I can tell but I [am] too much like the pumpkin eater- "I couldn't keep her " - I come back from the [car] with more pain in my heart that it expresses - and a vacant night goes on - goes on -
It is the end of a chapter that begn in [radiance] -
Feb. Wednesday 25. 1874
The time of the singing of the birds has not come!
This is demonstrated by the snow-storm - Mr. Maynard came over yesterday to take me as he said the last sleighride of the season
I was not home and [never] got it. Now he will have to come again - the snow has made a last apearance once - When people in this world begin to advertise their last appearance one needn't be in a hurry -
Feb. Wednesday 25. 1874
The time of the singing of the birds has not come!
This is demonstrated by the snow-storm - Mr. Maynard came over yesterday to take me as he said the last sleighride of the season
I was not home and [never] got it. Now he will have to come again - the snow has made a last apearance once - When people in this world begin to advertise their last appearance one needn't be in a hurry -
There is ... for one's feet and I half reconcile things though I do want spring - I can't wait to see mother's floor navigable once more -
Jennie is a comfort - She has never seemed quite to me as she has since she came back -
A blessing on her red lips -
Feb - Thursday 26. 1874
"[Aint] very well-a-day" -
I can't conceive of teaching in this status but I can do often what I can't conceive - After one is up and at it there is always a supply to carry one through - A somehow to venture in and attend to ones ... -
My somehows are good and faithful servants - I have got in deep deep water and I can't swim - I sit and shake in presence of my ... and with a ... I cannot express - Me - analyze Shakespeare - We eat at the table with these gods! No wonder I have a headache - No wonder my brain sits weary on my spine -
Feb. Friday 27. 1874.
In which Jennie becomes Glory [McWhisk]! How could I tell what had happened - And when Miss Miller came up after school so wisely with "Jennie's going home isn't she?" - Was I going to appear less wise than she? - Not at all - So I said intelligently - "Yes" but I went to the post ofice [sic] wondering - When I got home I found Leonard there! Yes verily my friend, the sky had fallen for Jennie and poured its treasures into her lap. The tea-table was jollier than it has been in many a night and the shining ..., the dinner words rang - "Not for ...
Feb. Saturday 28. 1874
In which some of the sunshine is carried off -
True - True and on no better vehickle [sic] than a slow freight - I like Leonard's laugh - It means something - I build dreams of a tall brother who shall have whiskers and a seal-skin cap and be good to me some day -
I set me to analyze Shakespeare - Light Little Lark - this sitting in the presence of the gods among Kings!
My conceptions are not lofty to-day - but I get to a stopping place - I always do
Miss ... comes not - but she will come next week if or if not - Well - Hope it's ... - It is so nice at home - O make ... long and sweet -
March Sunday 1. 1874
In which March comes in like a lamb Yes - a lamb without spot or blemish and my heart and eyes look lovingly into every sign of the blessed spring - one feels so good at its very mention - I take long looks at mother and the cosy sitting room and enjoy and enjoy until I am dizzy with the blessedness and the delight
Home never seemed so nice as it does this winter and it is the Father's good pleasure -
A man from Bar Harbor preached - I have great ideas of those men Any one who has seen Yale College is great - So I was doomed to have a fall - His preaching was not good - Yale
March, Monday 2. 1874
In which the wind is south - Then I feel sure [it's] spring - but old men shake their heads at me - They say "no - no - no" - They are ready to proclaim a storm - a wheezer - a roaring lion seeking whom he may drown - but then I have in my heart a song why not sing it ? Ah! - Believing I rejoyce with joy unspeakable -
Some of the vacant seats are filled and I feel more like teaching - How blessed the latter when according to ... I've lately "poked".
What it is to teach and not feel like it is one of the never to be unraveled mysteries - There is no danger of my ever telling for I am incapable
March, Tuesday 3. 1874.
In which it comes to me that the rainiest days like the rainiest lives are by no means the saddest! The heavens opened upon us and what was a threatening has become a reality - But school must be taught and Fannie must teach in any case -
In a query as how I was to get home without transport - a knock announces an appearance and I embrace my brother - I find myself almost elated - How proud I should be to have him turn out well in this evil generation which ... to destroy them - How my heart calls unconsciously for this as from the great God who had a Son in this world and gave him power to overcome
March. Wednesday 4. 1874
In which I worry about Susie - Seven weeks it is nearly - and its long to wait - I ask so many things and wait and wait - Annie McDonald goes and I try to help her off - and help her to friends when she gets there - I know she'll get kindness if she falls into Aggie's hands - [Then] there's one more vacant seat in Normal Hall - and one more gone beyond me -
Not so much as a shadow of a [lesson] to-day and my courage lags - Even English literature is a [howling] wilderness! Very - I come home and fall into the hands of a [book] - ...
I might have expected I would -
Feb. Thursday 5. 1874
In which there are signs of [hulled corn]! This as you must know is one of my strong points - so I make it to head my chapter - Mrs. [Headley] is awful good to me lately - To-night she lent me herself and husband coming from prayer meeting.
Gertie writes strange things of her doings and Mr. Willard. This is a strange world - I feel so good to-day - so well and not [nervous] with this new head of mine!
My Eng. Lit. class still [struggle] and dire and flat [[breathes] Shakespeare business - It's fearful!
March, Friday 6. 1874
In which there is the coming of a pale face - poor little white cheeks and its mother's little girl! [It's] nice to see her - nice to go up to the train and bring her home - nice to hear her tell about Mary and Annie and the folks - I hear the clock strike twelve and still my eyes are open wide! My thoughts are on a march to-night - I have very much to think of lately and my course seems more and more plain before me - It seems more and more to lie far away and to call me nearer and nearer and my thoughts to go hither and thither
March, Saturday 7. 1874
In which are seen the effects of [hulled corn]! Behold me I stand before you a victim to its emanating influence - Why was I not warned? A head to-day unequal to Elisha Jesus, a stomach quivering - eyes tremulous ... - Well, you'll learn! It [doesn't] act like spring out doors at all - [It's] murky and dreary and still enough Aggie declares for a land where Sabbaths never end!
Ella and .. call and I feel like seeing them - I am sort of wrapped up in those
Am I a foolish little teacher? Life is brief yes - but is not love long
March, Sunday 8. 1874.
In which I am glad to feel that there is a rest that remaineth! It comes over one sometimes and I creep away in the shadow of it and tarry and tarry! I have thought too of [Kike] to-day and how grand life grows when it is laid down - of itself - Have we not power to lay it down - ... not [God] promise us power to take it again - We are all together at home once more Sunday - all around the sitting room stove tonight - There is a shadow of a parting next year - O make your good nights linger and your ... long and sweet - for these loves shall die? not in thought nor yet in tears -
March, Monday 9. 1874
In which we all laugh mortal! Hear the mournful sound! We see the ecstatic vision of snow - and feel the [the] wind in our faces - O - sad delusion and I am the deluded one - Those old men will be right - and our teeth shall chatter, chatter still -
I am found at the old stand and there are somethings inside that are not snow or wind!
I look for John ... but see him not - and who else will answer?
Aggie feels better to-day. She has an account to settle before my brother's tribunal - It relates to how she found out things from his diary -
I sympathize with him - I have feelings on that point -
Memorable March 9 - Another I first beheld Castleton
March, 10 1874
In which I shall probably have a sore [mouth] ! Those painful evolutions through which I passed last winter have not repeated themselves on one of late - They are not far away - I may yet have a sty - There was more in yesterday than there has been in to-day of hope and caring and satisfaction - but these are crowns and crowns are not given each day - I hear such glad reports of the girl's prayer meeting - How I rejoyce in the thought of it.
It is sunny and cold. It is less like spring than the November nights weeks ago - and I [must] stand and wait
March, Wednesday 11. 1874
In which there is no [star] of promise! How could it be so cold and windy the on the very verge of April! It will teach April to be unkind! How could Jennie stay away so long when we want her so? How could some of the girls still fail and fail! How could all the surface ripple forth discontent - and chafe and numb - When love is long? There are some of my girls that will never let life look very dark to me - some that are priceless as these priceless days that are taking them from me!
March, Thursday 12. 1874
In which Ella [Marsh] didn't do it enough! It was an Algebra problem - "Well, have you the answer? Yes - but I'm afraid I didn't do it enough" - My comments are inward - This is so muchlik Marsh! I know on e thing through the day school! I know one thing through the night - Greek. I have had a dreary feeling - I want to paint ... a beautiful picture ... the hearts of my girls - I long and long for it - and I have been
March, Thursday 12. 1874
In which Ella [Marsh] didn't do it enough! It was an Algebra problem - "Well, have you the answer? Yes - but I'm afraid I didn't do it enough" - My comments are inward - This is so much like Marsh! I know one thing through the day - school! I know one thing through the night - Greek. I have had a dreary feeling - I want to paint such a beautiful picture [on] the hearts of my girls - I long and long for it - and I have been [doubting] lately - I can't erase mistakes - and I am longing to right all things - to make myself felt forever - so that nothing shall separate -
If I only only could and I love them so
March, Saturday 14. 1874.
In which Uriah carries off Dan's candy - It lay on the kitchen table - the only piece of last night one from our house ... - the ... - There it lay - We are fallen upon evil times - It doth not lay there now - It is a prey - and Dan stands unto us desolate - Uriah dost devour widow's houses. I am a ... There's lots I don't do. [Anybody] could mope a little.
It could thaw some and not try very hard - I am all ready for it. And I forgot to tell you that Jennie's back - and the sunshine came along with her - right along -
My ... is our preying ground. I may make a night of it -
March, Monday 16. 1874.
In which "John Dooley he knew" - This Dooley who is a fairy with the reddest lips is an elixer of life! - she unconsciously prolongs ... - This by way of introduction for the day had to strike its key - and she [goes] it a merry time - in the midst of my forlorns measured by the condition of my body - which looked through to ... minutes before [fire]
... It is is not - I'd forego the scenery, the people , the [beetles], the ..., the soil if I could only have the climate, the eternal spring!
To-day there is a faint prospect of a Vermont spring - very faint
I stand shivering on the brink of Greek -
March. Tuesday 17. 1874
In which a streak of thaw occurs - Our bosoms glow - The old men do not shake their heads and say [there'll] be cold weather yet - They may think so but they do not tell it to me - I am in my martyr mood to-day - That is I go about kind of pitiful - and work with my teeth clinched and my hands holding on hard - but muttter no word about it - This mood is well for those who learn of me - The ... versus Willard - or ...versus a] J - ... is progressing in Schenectady ... had a ... time.
The stove pipe in Normal Hall has another improvement - a white rag tied around it and fastened to the stove-pipe with a stick what plans are devised for our comfort - Think of it
March, Wednesday 18. 1874
In which I have an uxpected shock - I needed a stir to break the monotony -
otherwise how would to-day have differed from yesterday and last week and ad infinitum! Dr. French has enough of him to break most anything there why not monotony? - He broke it in many pieces - He scares me but he knows it not - he leaves me rather exalted then otherwise! - My [Thomson] class is going to Poke - They commence that way - Jennie's learned a new word - "..." - On the whole I find it very expressive! Dan is [joined] to his sick room - Let him alone -
There's more spring than there was yesterday
March, - Thursday 19. - 1874
In which I am perplexed but not in despair!
A memorable day - I heard a robin sing - and this the 19th of March only! When in this latitude have mortals recorded such a statement? It covers the year with a new goodness.
I feel under the weather a little and a good deal forlorn - I drag Fannie around - I make her teach and write and translate - and the child [doesn't] want to - Even Mich. is a terror to her -
An anniversary day - we must not let it quite die from our memories - The veined sardonyx stands for this - for it is a life-story full since of the tederness and the pain and the purifying -
March, Friday 20. 1874
In which there is a change of base - I change my previous habits and become a visitor - a guest - I roll away out of sight of Normal precincts or Liddell and Scott - and all without stopping once to see how my [bow] is put on!
Emma Alland has a pretty home and they all sing and [it's] grand - I envy girls with a father - You would like to be up there to night Hope ... - There is a plant here they call heart's rose - and we love it - Hope and I -
I shall rest and it remaineth - but [Helen Birrell] ought to be with us - I think of her over and over to night and say half sadly to myself "And never wander back" -
March, Saturday 21. 1874.
In which I see cousin Euliza - This is not suggestive of as much an arrivent as followed for she has a husband , George - who evidently was designed to make our pleasures more.
I am glad to hear something that [isn't] school - It is a benedicite?
I love such peeps as this into other people's homes - Love to sit by the parlor windows and watch those who are enjoying the grand weather out doors or look around and enjoy the cheery talk - [Its] all making a new world of the one that was growing to be a very old one -
I would like a home like this and a nice [funny hubby] perhaps - but my kingdom has not come -
March, Sunday 22. 1874.
In which a daughter prophesies
I fancy this sunshine is for something - I foretell a speedy coming of arbutus - of harpers harping with their harps - I know that April shall bear in her hands the fullness of life!
I went to a Baptist church and listened as I was told I should listen to a Baptist sermon - It didn't hurt me - I have been homesick lately for my dear, dear church. I do so want something to do in the beautiful work. I seem to have a nice sounding in my ears - Give all your life to God's work -
Be - O be about the Father's business!
// March, Monday 23. 1847,
On which I postpone the fulfillment of prophecies for the time is not at hand - It gets cold, so cold we forget all about the joys the world could give last week - and alas! - could take away -
I am tired of buying coats for a contrary naughty boy who will trade [hens] and get [hens] when we [don't] want him to -
[Don't] let me worry about it - If there's pain in the air [don't] let it rest ... - In the place of it let me grow patient and be busy with my living -
Let me lay down and lay down and lay down- that I may take again - Deny - deny - deny - thyself -
March, Tuesday 24. 1874
In which I cannot face a frowning world! - I have got pitched up to-night very high - not in hope nor yet in courage - but on mounting billows - It is akin to [bathing] my weary soul - - - - - but the seas of heavenly rest are farther on - Dannie is headstrong and unreasonable - school stormy and discouraging - and my head fairly quakes in want of rest - and all of these things move me - I seem another person to myself these days when I work so -
Jesus is the Savior and nothing do I need to-night so much as to be saved - O could I see the ... that is like ths Son of God!
March, Wednesday 25. 1874
In which there is more faith and the Dolly - There is a happy in the bright morning times when ... make together strong for whatever may be to do or hear!"
The day - O - How much you are to me - It is ever a trial to be out of doors - but I hold on hard and tremble lest such days be taken from us and we go back to yesterday - and day before -
How many of God's best gifts do we hold solemnly - almost without breath lest we lose them!
I take a breathing spell from English Literature but there's enough else to .... O - if I can only keep tender loving feelings and be patient - nothing elese shall worry me!
March. Thursday 26. 1874
In which I am "pleasant to have about" - The rarity of this perhaps accounts for its being recorded! The whole day has been like a hope of heaven - I love these new fresh days to take last year's ... and ... of sleighing and cold ears and noses - and then think how very comfortable we are to-day - this March day! Evening ... of a ... - meeting followed by a not very comfortable introduction to Mrs. Col. [Parker]! Then I went shouting through the streets to Mr. Co. [Parker]!
[It's] pretty nearly time I had a letter. I am tired of looking and not finding! Very!
March, Saturday 28. 1874
In which we concoct large plans - They have to do with two old people - a dear refreshing lady - and a joint affair of hers with a cane! Our plans remain in ... until Monday dawns! - The first chill fell upon me to-day - It will be followed by the frost by and by - For that we shall leave the cosy home in early fall is now inevitable - We shall be more sorry than we know - It has been a grand day and the ... people have all made a grand march out doors! -
It seems so strange to feel the shackles of my room so unceasingly - I ... myself for taking one moment to play or take in - but I shall [rest] and the time is at hand -
March, Sunday 29. 1874.
In which thoughts come to me out of the pleasantness. In this the day is like ... - Everything in that was born of a pleasantness and it feasts upon a glory - or a revelation -
Does any one often discern the things of the Spirit - unless their minds grow to that heavenly repose that is blessed evermore with the presence of the Spirit.
I long for a Sabbath recognition - to be lifted up by unseen hands - but my prayers though they help me - do not [transfigure] - I must walk more and more by Jesus every day - if I would know the things which are spiritually discerned!
March, Monday 30. 1874
In which our paths have been directed but not our way - The super structure we have [built] for three days has fallen and we muse sadly and half fondly on seeing our plans fail and wonder what the Heavenly Father has in store for us that this must be forbidden!
The sun still shines by day and the moon by night - and now and then even there are faint twitters of birds - There's always something to take comfort in and mother looks around for them -
My Greek lessons [Ex.20.] returns to me and I feel dubious enough! - Jen's laugh fills the house to-night - Blessed be it -
March is still cold -
March, Tuesday 31. 1847
In which on, on, on the plans come marching!
The theme is not grow grand and majestic - but ... as it proceeds
How hope takes hold of that which is in ... - and Aggie sends a coaxing letter - So that's what we talk about - Mother declares that the future Mrs. Cole will be obliged to eat frozen potatoes! Jennie takes this so to heart she fears it will cause a [separation]!
March blows us as he says good bye - blows us good and hard - Yet the sunshine is everywhere - and warms us not - I work at high pressure with a headache. I come home at noon and find no boy -
April, Wednesday 1. 1874.
In which I lift up mine eyes to the hills! It is ay a comfort lassie - and help cometh - for there is spring enough everywhere for me to smell the sweet breath of the pines, to see the water running in deep wild spots, darkened by tall trees - and to watch the sinking glory on bare hill-tops. Then we come home in the moonlight and I thought of Susie and ... - I think Susie must be the poetry of my life for there's no bountiful, worshipful thing but brings me thoughts of her -
All before this lay a day of hard work with a headache - and thoughts that roll and roll and puzzle me -
April, Thursday 2. 1874
In which [it's] "shall we" or "[shan't] we" and we do? - Jennie's anticipations and mine are usually freighted with uncertainties! Last night we weren't going - We weren't going this morning - The day was a ... - our headaches were raging and we summed up our conclusions rapidly and winged our flight - What a change from the school-room to the skies -
We saw people and things and visions of things! One fat fair man whom it heard talking of sales of 40,000 and cash profit in ... thousands - Took out a book and read it and lo it was the "Character of St.Paul!"
The very Paul who fought to win and ... corruptible things such as silver and gold. Schenectady will ever stand in my memory veiled in moonlight - and again and again by faith I shall walk under the arch and wander on the college green
April, Friday 3. 1864
In which I abundantly renew my youth! The morning scene smacked of creeping out before another soul was up - and getting off with a good-bye to an early train! At the Normal there were stairs and rumors of stairs! - There were hours for things - Very few changes sit on the face of things - The girls all look and act just as we did: - and the boys, as our brothers did - The teachers are as of old - and invincible armada - It gets to be afternoon and we seek a city: - Cohos - We do not find Aggie at the bottom of the hill lonely, lonely - but on the serene summit - far, far above the starry skies - We are abundantly entertained - I could fill your judging ear - if there was room!
April, Saturday 4. 1894.
In which level ground is a myth and flat surfaces things of which we have dreamed! We have been through the process of doing Albany - Much of our business lay between heaven and earth - We couldn't even ask to see a trunk without being sent to the fourth floor - There were no arrangements of flowery beds or other things to carry toward the skies - Light-seeing in large quantities produces lassitude. I am quite sure Mr. Stone (pa) would say it this way! -
Aggie and I are safe, safe at home and the trunk is by our sides! - There's more to tell and my spirit is willing but flesh is weak! -
April, Sunday 5. 1874
In which we are in the "beauty of the lilies" and Easter time! - "Ah: well for us all some sweet hope lies"* sings this spring morning! - Sweeter and sweeter it grows as we rise to the calm of the Seventh day - and this blessing of the Easter chimes:
The morning was still for us just rested - In the afternoon we went to vespers and saw the altar Lilies - and heard the organ - The service was all music and I felt better -
If Aggie's Sunday's are all like this I don't wonder she cries for mother! -
Miss [Hasting] entertains us with detailed accounts of lassie Marie St. ... -
Poor little almost sick sister went to bed early -
* John Greenleaf Whittier. Maud Muller
April, Monday 6. 1874.
In which time of our departure is not at hand: This has to do with the whole family - and touches on the questions shall we bring our flight southward now or shall we wait till the birds go! - [It's] answered on my consciousness already - There's too much to move me here - and I am easily [worn]: - I find there was a joy waiting for me on the journey - It seemed so nice -
This day belongs to Susie and I - It is five years old now - and we love it not less - but more -
There is a shadow about it even lurking in the blessed daylight for I
have not heard in eleven weeks - and I fear - lest the shadow I feel is a part of a shadow from him - Why [doesn't] somebody write and tell me! ---
April, Tuesday 7. 1874
In which April assumes her proper character - There's been great carryings on here in my absence - The snow veils every hill-top and covers the streets and everybody is as forlorn over it as hens in a ...
To-night there's hopes of bare hills again and perhaps dry feet!
School is such a treat to me when I feel like work - and I do to-day every inch of me - The girls will think to-night that I have been pleasant to have about - perhaps - and so I come home comfortably off - Dan writes of a sprain - [consequent] on his morning to Sunday School - The last part of the ... is a shock! -