[Jenne] [A] Ladd


Christine Ladd '69
Christine Ladd Ladd Ladd
Ladd Ladd
Christine Ladd Ladd Ladd
Ladd Ladd
Ladd Ladd
Ladd Ladd
Ladd Ladd
Ladd
Ladd
Ladd
Ladd L
Ladd L
Ladd L
Ladd L


g. Inez PollK, '25
7 July 1964


(1)

every [line]
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in every
Demonstrate your improvement in every
Demonstrate your improvement in every line
Demonstrate your improvement in every line
Demonstrate your improvement in every line
Christine Ladd


"
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Chance and change are busy ever
Christine Ladd


(2)

Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Man decays and ages more;
Christine Ladd


But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
But His mercy waneth never,
Christine Ladd


(3)

God is wisdom, God is love. Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
God is wisdom, God is love Love
Christine Ladd


A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
A soft answer turneth away wrath
Christine Ladd


(4)

But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger.
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
But grievous words stir up anger
Christine H. Ladd


1492

America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
America was discovered in the year
Christine H Ladd


(4)

Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Nero was one of the kings of Rome
Christine H. Ladd


of wisdom

The fear of the Lord is the beginning
The fear of the Lord is the beginning
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom
Christine Ladd


(5)
keeps
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he
A man is known by the company he keeps
Christine Ladd


Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Many men of many minds
Christine Ladd


(6)

Many birds of many kinds. Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Many birds of many kinds Many
Christine Ladd


Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Dare to do right whatever may oppose
Christine Ladd


(7)

Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Perfect love casteth out fear Perfect
Christine Ladd


Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
Christine Ladd


(8)

But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
But trust Him for His grace. Trust
Christine Ladd


Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frowning
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Behind a frowning Providence frown
Christine Ladd


(9)

He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
He hides a smiling face Smiling
Christine Ladd


Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Spaniards are natives of Spain
Christine Ladd


(10)
-out envy
A man without merit may live with-
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
A man without merit may live with
Christine Ladd


The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
The fool hath said there is no God
Christine Ladd


(11)

A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
A rolling stone gathers no moss
Christine Ladd


Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &
Wisdom is the principal thing &

C. L.

(12)

with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
with all they gettings get wisdom
Christine Ladd


To be, or not to be: that is the question
To be, or not to be: that is the quest
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
To be or not to be that is the
Christine Ladd


(13)

Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Richmond is the capital of Virginia
Christine Ladd


Youth is truly called the seed time of life
Youth is truly called the seed time of life
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time
Youth is truly called the seed time of
Christine H Ladd


(14)

great [end]
That life is long which answers lifes
That life is long which answers lifes
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
That life is long which answers lifes great
Christine Ladd


Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Evil to him who evil thinks evil
Christine Ladd


(15)

It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
It is not all of life to live all life
Christine Ladd


Wisdom is the principal thing. "wisdom"
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Wisdom is the principal thing
Christine Ladd


(16)

thee

Exalt her, and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Exalt her and she shall promote
Christine Ladd


A burnt child dreads the fire.
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire
A burnt child dreads the fire


(17)

to be flat

May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth
May people have thought the earth


This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
This world is not our home
Christine Ladd


(18)

I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
I am the gladsome summer glad
Christine Ladd


with respect

Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Reverence the aged and treat them
Christine Ladd


(19)

play

Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Turn about and turn about is fair
Chistine Ladd


not to stay
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask not
I would not live always I ask not
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
I would not live always I ask
Christine Ladd


(20)
o'er the way
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark
Where storm after storm lowers dark


the hands of God
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
It is a fearful thing to fall into
Christine Ladd


(21)
Alexander is the czar of the Russians.
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Alexander is the czar of the Russians
Christine Ladd


Let us then be up, and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing
Let us then be up and doing


(22)

With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
With a heart for any fate Heart
Christine Ladd


Still achieving, still pursuing - name
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Still achieving still pursuing
Christine Ladd


(23)

Learn to labor and to wait. "Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn
Learn to labor and to wait Learn

C. L.

every line
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Demonstrate your improvement in
Christine Ladd


(24)

Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Every day try to learn something new
Christine Ladd


Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Overcome evil with good. Christine
Christine Ladd


(25)

In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
In youth prepare for old age. Old Age
Christine Ladd


Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Every blessing which we enjoy comes from
Christine Ladd


(26)

Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P
Waste brings want. Pride and Poverty P

July 23, 1866. I have gained an important point with my Grandma. She says she thinks Auntie
ought to send me to Vassar. She objected that at the end of four years I should be too old to get
married. I assured her that it would afford me great pleasure to entangle a husband but there was
no one in the [plan] who would have me or whom I would have, and out of [that] place I was
destined never to go, gave her the statistics of the great excess of mates in New England and
proved that as I was decidedly not handsome my chances were very small. Therefore … I could not
find a husband to support me I must [still] [put] myself and I do so I needed an education.
Grandma surrendered.


July, 28, Can I submit? Is it the better part of valor? Wonder what would be the consequences of
rebellion? Auntie consents to send me to Vassar and further does not allow me to go. Oh! Oh! Oh!
Is then such anger in celestial minds?
July 31. Exhibition tonight. … Nights in a Bar-Room. [Yumir] was the star of the evening. My part
was very light but I believe I took it as well as usual. It is just impossible to get servants in this part
of the world, so I personate the indispensable Bridget. I would not mind but that I do admire
beautiful hands and hot dish water is not condusive to delicay of size or texture.
Aug 10. Vassar! land of my longing! Mine at last. In a month I shall have the spacious corridors and
bury myself in the volumes of forgotten lore at Vassar! [Gratier] Dei! Does it really seem so
beautiful as I thought it would? Is it really for the best? I confess I have misgivings - everyone is so
opposed to it. This is the way of it. Another advances her $[660] and receives a bill payable in the
future. Tis too good to be true is it not? Be swift - my heart so know thy work, be jubilant, my
[put]! Will I not study this year that is coming?
Aug. 24. I am tired to death with the sewing I have done, and the worst is yet before me. Dont I ..
it? [Plimnut] listens … from … Russell and Mary R. Vassar still seems more like a myth than
anything [also].
Spt. 2. … [nine] …! Est. ce que je suis [heurens]? The Farrells are … say that Vassar is a big [sting].
My [music] has gained me much [affluence] this week…. seize the … New York ladies who play as
well as I do. If my [evocational] power were only of equal brilliancy, of might perhaps have some
shame in the great market. I have half a mind to open a correspondance with Miss [Dani]. Sept 10
Farewell to thee, my Journal, I start tomorrow for Vassar, and today I bid thee an … …


(27)
Journal of 1860.

Th. Nov. 22. Went to school in morning. Very cold afternoon went to dentist's - looked at hats. In
evening studied and played dominoes until ten.

F. Nov. 23. Went to school as usual. Miss. J. was very pleasant - sprinkled a little when I came
home - stayed in the house in afternoon and learned my lessons - played dominoes in the evening
with Uncle Henry. Aunt [C's] foot continues quite bad.
Saturday. Nov. 24. Did not go to school on account of the rain - wrote composition in the morning
on … - in the afternoon wrote to H. and Auntie - went down town and looked at hats. Played
dominoes in the evening.

Sunday. Nov 25. Went to church all day and learned the 19th Psalm.

Monday. 26. Went to school in morning - as usual - afternoon studied and finished writing


to Auntie - went down town - bought a felt bonnet for $2 and half and ordered it trimmed in the
evening studied and played with Aunt [Y].

Tuesday. 27. Rained hard but I went to school - only six scholars there - enjoyed myself very
much - in the afternoon studied and played - evening read Harper and knit on my marapost - a
miniature procession has just passed.

28. Wednesday. Went to school in the morning and recited as usual - no school until Monday!
afternoon arranged Aunt Caroline's … and went down town and got the ribbon for my bonnet - no
lessons in the evening - read a little while and cracked walnuts for tomorrow is Thanksgiving received
a letter from [L].
Thanksgiving. Nov. 29. Got up late - went to church in the morning - had beautiful singing and
sermon - turkey for dinner - afternoon cut leather for making leather work - played with aunt F
and dominoes in the evening and ate nuts, raisins and apples.


(28)

Friday, Nov. 30. Went down town in the morning and bought a match safe for Aunt [C.] and a basket for leather work cut
leather until dinner time and after dinner made the flowers and acorns - read Dream Life and played dominoes in the
evening.

Dec. 1. Thirteen years old today - what better am I than a year ago? or what more do I know? Went down town in the
morning and bought some silk for 22 cents dyed my leaves, basket and Aunt Canno's easel - went down town,
purchased a straw bonnet for sixty-seven cents and took a walk - read Dream Life in the evening - it was very
interesting.

Sunday. Dec. 2 Learned twenty-third Psalm in the morning and went to church - afternoon went to Sunday-school with
Jessie Williams for the first time and to church read library book in the eveing - Dr. Folsom came in in the evening and
we had nuts and raisins.


Monday. Dec. 3. Went to school again today and was glad to get back in the afternoon after
studying a while went to Bailey's and bought a pair of skates $2.50, then went off with a party but
we could not find any ice to skate on. studied in the evening - I feel real homesick and as if I [hate]
every body and every thing.

Tuesday. Rose at seven, went to school early, recited perfectly, afternoon studied a while and then
went skating with [Satie] and others and had a delightful time. I think I shall learn to skate very
soon, studied and played on the piano in the evening. Uncle Henry went to hear Wendal [Phillips]
tonight.

Wednesday. Dec. 5. When I awoke the ground was covered with the beautiful soft snow and the
merry sleigh bells were ringing, went to school in the morning and played delightfully with the
snow and in consequence have now got a cold, studied in the afternoon and evening and made my
first attempt at …


(29)

Wednesday. December. 12. It is just a week since I last wrote in my journal. I have had a very bad cold, had slept in
Aunt [Y's] room until last night and then I was too cold to write. Went to school today for the first time since my cold it
was very pleasant to get back to school. Was dismissed a little while after recess because it snowed and came home with
[James] studied in afternoon and evening. read Shakespeare and played.

Thursday. Dec. 13. Went to school in morning, recited pretty well, going ahead of my French class fast. Sadie was not at
school today her Aunt is dead - met Mr [Parrotte], he asked me to go skating but I was not well enough - studied all the
afternoon and evening played backgammon with Aunt Frances who beat me - pulled a tooth today and one yesterday - it
snowed this afternoon - pleasant though cold in the morning - I don't think I shall ever learn to get up early.

Friday. Went to school as usual. dreadful cold studied in afternoon - too cold to write any more.


Sat. 15. Went to school in the morning - thermometer below zero - Sadie has not been to school yet and I miss her very
much - in the afternoon lined my basket with silk and played backgammon with Aunt Caroline - played dominoes with
Uncle Henry in the evening. We played so well that it took us an hour and a half to finish one game. I have just taken
some cod liver oil and feel disgustingly after it.

Monday 17 Went to school in the morning warmer today, recited Bible Lesson, Spelling, and Grammar, afternoon went
skating upon the pond, Alice Ball helped me along very kindly and other girls - came home early studied and played
dominoes in the evening.

Tuesday. 18 Went to school in the morning the reason that the skin of the elephant hangs loosely is to keep him from
sinking in the marshes of India. Studied a little in the afternoon and worked on my basket - studied and read Harper in
evening Miss Caroline Hill called this evening - Mrs. Fage has come.


(30)

Mercredi. Dec. 19 Went to school in morning two new scholars today - the Misses [Hayes] - in the afternoon studied
awhile and went skating on the South Pond with Sadie Jessie and others - Aunt Francis went down town and bought me
some cloth and tape for twenty cents - studied in the eveing and ate nuts and raisons - have not taken cod liver oil for the
last two nights.

Jeudi. Dec. 20 - Rained in the morning and so I did not go to school - wrote to Aunt Maria and studied until dinner time,
in the afternoon read Girlhood of Shakespeares Heroines - in evening Harper and played dominoes. I beat two games
out of three - I arose late as usual.

Vendredi, 21, Went to school in the morning. I was almost the only girl who recited French & the only one of my class
who recited [Arithm]. Studied in the afternoon. Miss Caroline Hill was here to dinnner and in the evening. I have got a
very bad pain in my bowels.


22. Went to school in morning, have begun to recite French with May Hayes - rained coming home but in the afternoon
changed to snow.
Sunday. Dec. 23. I think I never saw a more beautiful morning - the trees were covered with snow, beautifully soft and
white which also formed a carpet for the ground. but in the evening surely nothing could equal the sight - the bright
moon reflected on the abundant snow made it nearly as light as day - and the beauty of the morning was doubled - the
icicles shone in the soft moonlight like diamonds and the stillness of the scene added to the enjoyment of it. [Rev.] Mr.
[Lanphear] preached today - he was not nearly as interesting as Mr. Gage. I feel happy for I have tried to be good today.

Monday. Dec. 24. Went to school in morning, pleasant but cold. Sadie was at school today - it seemed quite homelike to
have her back again. I love her very much. Worked on basket in afternoon.


(31)

Tuesday Dec. 25. [A] merry Christmas to my journal. My dear father has come today - how glad I was to see him - went
to the Episcopal Church this morning with Aunt Frances and when we got home father was here. In the afternoon wrote
a composition on skating but it is so miserable that I don't believe it will answer though it took all the afternoon to write
it. Played dominoes with Father and Uncle Henry in evening. Father brought me a present from Auntie of a dollar and a
letter from her. [Jessie] sent me some cards and nuts and Harry some nuts.

Wednesday. 26. To school as usual in the morning I was late also as usual - very bad walking but pleasant otherwise.
Wrote composition and studied in the afternoon. Father has a very bad cold and Aunt Francis too. [Aunt] did not get up
until one - studied and read in evening - I feel lonely and I will go to my heavenly Father for comfort, shall I ever learn
to be good or to do good? I almost begin to despair.


Thursday. Dec. 27. Went to school in the morning received a scolding for being late - I am sure I
cannot help whispering. I tried hard today but did not succeed - brought home Arithmetic and
studied hard with but little recreation. Think I shall take music lessons.

Friday. Dec. 28. Went to school in the morning learned twice the lesson in French - whispered as
usual - afternoon studied until four and then went to walk with Aunt Frances and Sadie we went in
to Fosters and enjoyed ourselves looking at the pretty things while Aunt F. purchased - afterward
Sadie and self walked about town until after dark in evening studied French and played dominoes.

Monday. Dec. 31. Went to school in the morning recited Bible Lesson pretty well and others after
dinner studied an hour and a half then called Sadie to go to walk but she would not go - went
alone and took my ... to Bennets to be mended - read Tyll Owlglass until dark and Harper and
Shakespearein


the evening. Today is the last of the Old Year. How short a time it seems since last I welcomed the new year with my
mother - how many resolutions have not been carried out - how many plans for improvement broken! how many times
have I disobeyed my heavenly Father commands? O may I spend the coming year to better advantage! It is still without.
The moon looks down coldly and all nature seems sad at the death of the old year - I am not sorry that time flies so
swiftly. I am happy. But I must be up and doing for a better happiness in a world to come.

Wednesday, January 2nd, 1861. Went to school today as usual. Miss Tompson talked to us quite seriously about tattling
and dishonesty. I agree with her in thinking dishonesty is the worst temptation we schoolgirls have. Did'n't make but
few communications today. I felt some of Miss G's remarks very sharply. Went skating this afternoon with Jessie and
others but did not enjoy myself as well as yesterday. studied and played dominoes in evening.


Thursday. Jan 3. It snowed today and the folks are so careful of me they would not allow me to go
to school but I recited to Aunt Frances and sent James for my French books and so I shall not lose
much - Sewed today and studied - looked over the children's playthings - Pleasant are my days in
this place and I shall always remember them with gratitude to my kind friends - Studied and read
"Favorite Authors" in the evening.

Friday, 4. Today is the fast appointed by the President for all the United States and so there was no
school - In morning I sewed on [flannel] petticoat and wrote composition on [Dorcas] - after desk
romped with Aunt Francis and Father in the evening studied, read, and played dominoes - Not
having been to school for two days I shall be glad to get back - snowed again today but neither
today nor yesterday did the snow remain on the branches of the trees and though it looked pretty
on the ground the bare trees spoilt the effect


(33)

Jan 5. Saturday night has come again! I have tried to be good this week and have partly succeeded,
but there is still room for very much improvement. Went to school in morning. I whispered it is
true but only once or twice - afternoon called on Georgie Halliburton, the Emeries, and Fannie
Monroe with Sadie - then went to Shores' and I bought something for Jessie and Harry - went
about town until nearly six. studied French in the evening. I am going God willing to Portland with
Father next Monday to see Aunt [Riar] and the children. she is going to show us something. I
wonder what it will be. it was silver
Sunday Jan. 6. Went to church all day today and to sunday school - sat with Uncle Henry Aunt
[Canno] went in the morning - studied on the thirty-fourth Psalm. Attended lecture in evening on
the suffering condition of Kansas delivered by Judge Dow. it was very interesting though not
eloquent - saw dear Miss Sarah, like her better then ever - I hope it will not storm for I am to go to
Portland with Father.


Thursday, Jan. 10. Snowed on Monday but I went to Portland, reached there about two oclock - came home Wednesday

-went to school today Miss Tompson was very pleasant to me. Sadie was not at school I suppose she stayed at home
because it snowed - studied in the afternoon and took my first lesson on the sewing machine. In evening studied and
finished my maraposa. Mr. Parrotte called to see father. I ought to have written home today but I did not have time and
must do it tomorrow. Did not get up until half past eight and so of course was very late at school.
Wednesday. Jan. 30. It is nearly a month since my journal has been opened - I have delayed writing for so long that I
hardly know how to begin but I suppose I must say as usual went to school in the morning, studied and went down town
in the afternoon and studied and read in the evening - there is little variety in m life yet it is pleasant but I have one more
thing to add to the list - practiced an hour.


(34)

for I have begun to take music lessons. first lesson eighteenth [alt]. I have a headache and am
sleepy.

Thursday. Jan. 31. Same routine. Next Monday begins vacation for two weeks, I hardly know
whether to be glad or sorry but I suppose the glad predominates. Sadie came in in the afternoon
and had a call from [Ridy] Ladd and Fannie Monroe. The last day of the month - how quick time
flies! I must endeavor to improve my time for my winters schooling is nearly over. Miss Tompson
gave me my bill today of $9.75.
Monday. Feb. 4. Went to school Friday but Miss F. came and told us she would not keep as her
mother was very ill. I believe she is alive yet though not expected to live. Saturday it rained. Sunday
the pavements were covered with a solid glare of ice. Went to church all day and to Sunday school.
Lounged about all the morning today until about eleven - then went down town with Aunt F. Read
sewed and practised this afternoon. I was very much interested in Anna would my religious
experiences could be like hers.


Wednesday. Feb. 6. Went skating on the pavements this morning but did not have a very good time - practiced and went
down town with Jessie. Practiced another hour in the afternoon, had a call from Ella Preston and Jessie, read and sewed.
Aunt Caroline and I have got a great secret - we are going to have tea in her room tomorrow night and invite Aunt
Frances. Read Hills of the Shatemuc in the evening even refused a game of dominoes to do so what would not I give to
have the talent of that author but still the story was very unreal - a perfect paragon of a young man who makes his way
in the world though poor and then marries an heiress.

Wednesday, May. 23. Home again! truly there is no place like home. I have not enjoyed myself for alone time as well as
I have today and yesterday. There were eleven children here this evening to see Harry hoist his flag, had lemonade,
played and sang until nearly nine oclock and got pretty tired. Lucy has been with me nearly all the two past days. The
girls serenaded me the night I returned (21st) but I was alseep and did not hear them.


(35)

January 1, 1862. Happy New Year to thee my Journal. With the new year comes good resolutions and I have resolved to
resume sweet intercourse with my long neglected journal. In thee shall the flights of imagination remain unchecked and
the rivulets of fancy shall flow at pleasure unrestrained by the fear of criticism from the idle gaze of the curious, for no
mortal eye with my permission shall roam o'er thy sacred pages. In thee shall both the trivial and serious acts and
thoughts of my life be faithfully recorded. How short seems the time since last new years day I commenced with my
journal in my little room at Portsmouth, and how long it seems to look forward to the next year where I shall be, no one
can tell where - Shall I describe the weather? it is quite warm and the little snow there was on the ground has melted
quite fast. There was school today bit I did not attend on account of a severe cold, which has prevented my being in my
accustomed seat for a week. I made and presented to Lucy a little bead basket, in the evening read aloud in Scotts "Life
of Napoleon".

2nd A letter from Sadie: it is delightful to hear from her again - and how kind [in] her to


me, when I had not answered her last letter - She is making resolutions and meant to keep them. I too have resolved to
be a better girl with the help of my Heavenly Father. I will try to be kinder to my dear brother and sister and to everyone
I meet with - I will try to do good and to be good and to improve my time in all things.

Saturday - No school today and so I went skating with A - and [S.G.] on the river and had a very fine time.

Wednesday. Jan. 8. To school this morning - I tried a little to be good and partly succeeded - no school in the afternoon.
I spent the afternoon and evening here and we had a nice time - father has gone out this evening.

May 1, Thursday - A cold gloomy May-day! no may parties for me this year. Today I commenced my term at Miss G.'s
school again. I am to study French, Latin, Algebra, Arithmetic and Grammer. There were only eight scholars today, all
of whom I knew, Miss [T.] has but thirteen scholars in all, when at our time she had twenty-two. Dressmaker here today
Went out in the afternoon and studied [A.M.] ... evening


(36)

Friday. Cold and rainy. Went to school in the morning. Today Miss Sarah came and spoke very
kindly to me. What can be the reason that I love her so! She too seems to like me. Perhaps it is
some intuitive force that draws us to each other. She put me alone in the [Grammar] and with the
[Hennedies] in translation. We are reading Corinne, by Madame de Stael - What I have read of it I
like very much, but it is rather harder than what I have been accustomed to. Studied all the
afternoon and evening. Grandma is inexerable and sends me to bed the moment the clock strikes
nine, though I would much rather sit up longer.

Saturday. No sunshine today in the outer world but some in the inner - for me: I enjoyed myself at
school very much. A new scholar today - Katy Wood, whom I think I shall like very well. I have
expereienced the pleasure of having good lessons and I mean always to be as perfect as possible
in my recitation. This AM I went down town and this evening I have read twenty pages of Corinne.


Monday. May 5. I have at last got into the habit of early rising and I find it much pleasanter than sleeping late in the
morning. There was a hard thunder storm to-day and some of the girls at school were much frightened. I enjoyed myself
at school as usual and had good lessons. Grandma had a letter from father today - they are all well and send love. I went
out to the swing for the first time since my arrival and sewed and studied in the afternoon and studied until nine in the
evening - Good night I must get up early and write my composition in the morning.

Tuesday. I arose at five oclock and wrote on my composition until breakfast-time went to school I had a good time
wrote and studied all the afternoon and evening - my head aches badly.

Wednesday. Arose early. Did not go to school today as I was unwell. Wrote composition all the morning studied
afternoon and evening - read two chapters of Corinne - Real April weather - raining one minute and the sun shining the
next. Have not been able to go out today. Expected the dressmaker but she did not come. Essayons etre bon


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May 8, Thursday. Went to school again today and was glad to get into my place once more - it
seems so long to be [out] only one day! In the afternoon studied and went down town and bought
a French dictionary and Latin Grammer. Miss Sarah called on Aunt F. but did not ask for me, which
I think very unkind of her, though I suppose I have my reason to expect her to care for me though I
like her so much. Studied all the evening - Uncle H. has been to Boston and had the phtographs
taken. he has got the [cramp] or something in his limbs - Cassie Morrison called on me today.

May 9. Went to school as usual in the morning. Did not have any error in my exercise! had some
good lessons and some rather bad ones. Sadie does not go to school very regularly and M. L.
seems to be my best friend now - Took a long walk this afternoon with Aunt F. and felt quite tired
after it - studied the remainder of the afternoon and evening.

Saturday. Went to school in the morning - had rather poor lessons in the some things but I …
study all the time I have and I have no more studies than the other girls - In the afternoon called
on M.L., E.L, E.S., and S.W. and took a walk with Jessie. Studied in the evening but only wrote one
French exercise.


Sunday. May 11. Went to church all day and learned the eighty-fourth Psalm Mr G. preached a very
good sermon this morning but in the afternoon an uninteresting old missionary gave us a rather
[dull] discourse - I have been reading Notes from Beecher's Discourses and am almost persuaded
to become a Christian.

Monday. Went to school in the morning and had good lessons. In the afternoon went with Miss
Thompson and Miss Sarah and all the girls, out to [Batchelor's] Wood, and had a delightful time.
We carried a luncheon and got a great quantity of flowers and enjoyed ourselves finely. E.S. was
perfectly devoted to Miss S. and would hardly let any of the others get a glance of her. I see they all
like her as well as I do and she is kind to us all, seeming to avoid any partiality. How I wish she
would [love] me. I am quite tired and do not know what I shall do for lessons tomorrow - as I have
not looked at anything but Latin and have not learned that perfectly.

Tuesday. Went to school as usual - was excused from translation and was reciting Latin when my
turn came so Miss S. did not hear my grammer. rained at recess. receive Letters from [A & J.]
studied AM and evening.


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Wednesday, 14. Went to school as usual and had good lessons especially in Latin and enjoyed
myself very much - in the afternoon wrote to father, fixed my [veil], and received a call from Jessie

W. Studied in the evening and feel quite tired. Miss [Tetherly] has been here tonight and yesterday.
Saturday 17. Went to school this morning and had good lessons but Miss Sarah was out of town
and did not come. It has been excessively warm today, quite as warm as summer and this
afternoon I staid out in the garden several hours and then came up to my room and read Irving's ...
which I like very much. Studied in the evening.
Thursday, May [4], How time flies! it does not seem a week since I last opened my journal, but
though it has passed so swiftly I think it has been pretty well improved as far as learning goes for I
have certainly studied nearly all the time. I have pretty good lessons and I think Miss [T.] is pleased
with me. I do not know but I shall soon begin to like her better than Miss S. but the latter is so
fascinating I seem to love her even when she is not pleasant. Yesterday I went to [Sagamore] with
aunt F. and today I went out to the plains all alone. It is very warm - I have studied all the evening
and feel quite tired.


Monday, 25. Aunt Ellen, Ella and the baby came last Friday - I was very glad to see them! Aunt E. is so good almost as
good as aunt [F] and the baby is so cunning and so pretty! Ella I like pretty well but I do not think her as perfect as one
might expect. This morning at breakfast Aunt E happened to say she thought my eyes looked dull and as I had fallen
asleep on my chair the night before it was immediately decided that I have a cold so I have been kept in the house all
this beautiful day. I have studied some and wrote to Aunt [S.], in the afternoon Sadie called and staid some time. Ella
was in the room and I did not think she behaved very prettily.

Friday, 30. Arose at five o'clock as usual and studied until schooltime. Went to school and had some good lessons and
some not very good, no algebra. In the afternoon went to Effie's and had a very nice time. Maria was there also but she
did not arrive until about half past six o'clock, and Effie and I went out into the garden and played with the dogs then
went to her room and looked at her dolls In the evening Esther played beautifully for us. If I could play as well as she
can, I should be satisfied. We heard the band play some very pretty pieces. Effie is a real sweet girl and I love her very
much, or rather think I shall love her.


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Oh if Miss Sarah would only love me a little I should be so happy. Today she called me Kitty for the first time but I do
not think I like it as well as Christine coming from her, she says the letter so prettily - Miss Thompson too calls me Kitty
and and I dislike it very much, it sounds so flat - Effie says she almost loves Miss S. but [M] does not like her at all.
Effie and I seem to agree pretty well on most things but of course we did not touch on politics as she is a rash
secessionist. I think her father and mother are quite superior people and they are very kind to each other although
differing so much in political feelings. Willie goes with his father and Effie with her mothr but they seem to be a very
happy family and I think E. is certainly a very fine girl.
Saturday. May 31. Today the girls went to Sagamore for a kind of a picnic but I did not care about going so I remained
at home. This morning I read something about Beethoven that was so pretty it made me feel dreamy and poetical and
then when Ella [teezed] me so to play with her I was quite cross with her, I wrote a very commonplace letter to Lucy
and called on T.W. and E.P.. Aunt Ellen talked so sweetly to me this evening that I waited and tried to become a
Christian but it seems as if God would not take me, but no, I mean as if I could not go to [Heaven]


Friday. June 6. Ah! what a long time since I have opened my journal. but it does not seem very long

-time goes so swiftly now. Oh how I love Miss Sarah. She smiles at me so sweetly sometimes that I
feel happy but I think she is rather cool in [hearing] my lessons but that is of course. I have very
good French lessons almost always. Latin I like more and more every day, and my lessons are quite
as good as the other girls. I can hardly believe that my term is half out, only five more weeks I
must endeavor to improve my time as much as possible. Today Aunt... and cousin Frank came but
made a very short visit. I liked him very much. he seems to be very cultivated.
Sunday. 8. A cold, rainy day. No church today. I think it is very foolish to stay at home for a little
rain and I wish now I had gone to church. Have been reading Recreations of a Country Parson. It is
a very true book and one by which I may profit and I have enjoyed very much. He says
disappointments, rightly met and well used are our greatest blessings and I think it is very much
so. [Scylla] and [Charybadis] is a very interesting Essay. In avoiding one error we should be careful
not to fall into the opposite one but keep in the middle which is generally the right. This has been
somewhat a day of slumber for the family and I feel as if I had lost more than I had gained.


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June 11. Wednesday. Very cold weather for June I think. It seems to me to be much colder than in
Poquonnock at this season. To school as usual today only four scholars. pretty good lessons. Miss
Sarah is going to N.Y. to her brother's marriage, to be gone about a week. O! how I shall miss her.
then she is going to come every day until she makes up the lost time. Called on C.H., J.W. and C.M.
with Ella. and wrote to auntie in the evening. Tonight there is a total eclipse of the moon to
commence at twelve o'clock, & to last three hours, but I do not expect to see it. I have written to
father to ask his consent to take music lessons. I hope he will give me leave as I want to very
much.

19. Thursday. Alas how swiftly time passes! I have only three and a half weeks more to go to
school. Some of the girls long to have the vacation come but for me it will come much too soon.
Yesterday I wrote a composition on [Closing] Thoughts, and a letter to father, went to school as
usual played "by spy" with S. and E., read Lady of the Lake with S. and took my first music lesson of
Mr. [Meinherth]. My time seems to be fully occupied now though I do not have French, and I shall
have to study pretty hard when Miss Sarah returns. Il me tarde de le voir. Uncle Harry I think is very
cross to some of the family but not to me. He returned with aunt C. the [14] & brought the pictures
of my dear mother.

June 24. Tuesday. Today Miss Sarah returned but she was not pleased to see me nor I to see her,
indeed I do not think I like her as well as I did. I was the only scholar today and it was very dull to
be there all alone with Miss Thompson and she was not very pleasant. All the girls but four have
left now and she is going to let school out the Fourth of July. Mr. Smith arrived today and all were
very glad to see him. I do not expect to be able to enjoy his conversation much as I am studying
nearly all the time. I am rather sorry that I commenced to take music lessons. I wrote to father
nearly two weeks ago and have not recevied an answer yet so I feel quite anxious for I wish to
know whether I am going home at vacation. Aunt Frances has made my silk and linen socks and is
very kind to me. Ella sleeps with me tonight.

Wednesday. This morning I was all dressed and had been studying some time when the clock
struck four so I am so sleepy now I cannot study though it is not quite nine o'clock. As it rained
very hard and I was not very well I did not go to school today. In the morning I read Harper, sewed,
and studied and in the afternoon wrote to Harry, practiced and took my music lesson. I am glad
now that I have commenced to take lessons. I have a very pretty opera for my lesson, I like
[Meinerth] very well but he is so [fussy].


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Sunday, June 29. Today it is very cold. I went to church all day and in the morning listened to a
very good sermon from the Methodist minister on the text "more of us liveth for himself". Mr Gage
preached about Nathaniel whom Jesus said was without guile. He had a good deal to say about
Gossip and the sermon was not at all to the taste of the good people of the house. Est-ce que il les
[touchaient]? je pense que oui. Surtout ma tante F qui a beaucoup [cela]. He gave three rules for
becoming something more than nobodies and still gaining the goodwill of others, which I wish to
remember. [Vig.] Attend only to your own offenses, do not labor merely to gain the praise or
others, and have self respect and others will respect you. I saw Miss S. today but she did not see
me. il l'aime plus que jamais, hier. … j etait le seul ecolier, et elle fait tres bonne.

Thursday, July 19, I have now returned to my old room so I can resume my journal which has been
neglected for so long. Ella and I went to Guildford yesterday and I miss her childish prattle very
much mais peut-etre suis-je aussi heureux. School was out on the 3rd of July and I have now
plenty of time for recreation though I continue to study some. I am reading ... Vaugher and find it
only tolerable. I don't like novels and I do not think I shall read any more unless by particularly
good authors. I am getting very fond of music and generally have good lessons. I am beginning to
feel aspirations for a higher and purer life and I am beginning to see the [unity] of


of the world. Cousin Ralph has become a Christian and why may not I? I long to trust in my
heavenly Father and to have faith in the Saviour but my heart is so wretched and cold. I am so
proud that I suppose my pride must be humbled sometime or other… Last evening I went to a
party at Cassie Morrison's and enjoyed myself pretty well especially in seeing Effie and Nelly
[Halen]. I care more for the friendship of those girls and Sadie than that of any of my other
acquaintances. Effie called on me today, also Katy Larkin who is a very sweet girl, but I was out and
I am afraid they thought it intentional. I met them afterwards and j'aimes Effie a l'instant better
even than before. Sadie went to Rockport this morning I had the toothache last night and only
slept three hours.

18. Arose late and after breakfast practised about an hour, I like my piece, Dreams of Past, very
much. I took a walk today and called on Mrs. Robert Smith with Aunt F. I begin to appreciate better
the good qualities of my aunts. This afternoon I went to the dentist's and had a large, back tooth
extracted which has pained me a good deal. Next week I intend to commence more studies, sew
more and not be so idle. I now study nothing but fifteen pages of French but I have not missed
that once since I commenced. Today I have written to father. I think I am growing to be a woman
and do not feel quite so childish.

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Saturday, July 19. Washed the cups and saucers as usual, then practiced and after that helped
Grandma, sewed for aunt F, studied an hour, sewed until dinner time. In the afternoon practiced,
and commensed making lint for soldiers. This was the day for my music lesson but Mr Meinerth
sent a note begging to be excused until Monday. I have not been out today and do not feel as
bright in consequence. Aunt Mary and all the children are coming next week but I hardly feel glad

-I have such a dread of strangers.
Tuesday, July 22. Practiced and walked, sewed for the soldiers and studied in the morning. In the
afternoon made lint, read and took a walk and met very dear Miss Sarah with two other ladies, I
think her sisters, going to the cemetery. I thought she looked quite pale and I also thought that I
loved her! This was the first time I have seen her since school and it made me very glad and also
sad. I have at last received a letter from S. I think she expresses very much in her writing, and it
was a nice letter, although so long coming. O how I long to see the old folks at home and young,
too. But still I do not by any means wish to go back to Poquonock now, perhaps I shall not go until
next spring. It is really very cold weather indeed for July and one can hardly keep warm without
fire. J'aime la musique. I am reading another novel, in the evening "Hands not Hearts"


Wednesday, July 23. Practiced as usual and read in the morning. Walked two hours all alone, went
to the graveyard and rambled about thinking how soon I may be sleeping, not these lightly my
dear mother. C'est un tres bien sentiment que "That life is long which answers lifes great end,"
Fixed bottles etc. for the soldiers, Aunt F has sent eight bottles of wine vinegar, etc., quantities of
linen and such things, papers, magazines, beside money. Wrote a pretty ...letter to aunt [Maria].
Ralph came very unexpectedly about six o'clock. How good and noble he is! He plays very well on
the flute & I admire to hear him. But ah! he is a Christian and therefore far [removed] from me, but
O, I long to know the Lord and [trust] him for his grace.

Thursday. Ralph did not come down until after breakfast, then he went out and at eleven o'clock he
went down to [Rye] Beach, to stay until Friday, indeed he is not coming back here again. I think it is
rather funny that he does not want to see the folks more. Today I have cut out and nearly made
two inside handkerchiefs by myself. Had a call from M.L. in the afternoon and decided that I did
not like her at all. This was the day for my music lesson but Mr. Meinerth has again disappointed
me and he has not even sent a note this time. I have taken seven lessons of him. If it is pleasent
perhaps I can go to [Rye] with aunt ... tomorrow.


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Friday, July 25. Aunt C came down with what she considered a very bad misquito [mosquito] bite
on her [e'en] so we did not go to Rye. It grew worse and she sent for the doctor and now seems to
be quite sick. Went down town with aunt F, to the vestry and elsewhere, helped aunt F. make wine,
& studied my usual French lessons in the morning, and in the afternoon called on G.H., C.G., C.M.
Miss U. and Miss [Basher]. The folks have not come though we expected them fully. Practised
some today but cannot conceive why Mr. Meinerth does not come or else write a note. Read in the
evening. [Joanna Baillies'] Comedy the Country Inn. it was quite amusing.

Saturday. 26. J'ai fait mal au matin. At seven o'clock started for the Beach with Aunt Y. and Uncle H.
We went to N. [Hampton] in the cars, then in the stage to where the [Hurds] [are] staying, after
waiting there some time we walked down on the shore and saw Ralph. I like cousin Rebecca very
much. We did not go on any beach at all and could not get any shells. aunt is going to stay two or
more days longer but uncle and I came up in the cars. I did not have quite as good a time as I
expected though I enjoyed looking at the waves very much. Now I should admire to go in bathing,
aunt rec'd a letter from uncle Joseph and the folks are not coming until next week. I could have
remained at Rye but I thought it my duty to come home & I came partly for the pleasure of hearing
Mr. Page.


Sunday, July [27]. Went to church all day. I like Mr. Gage's sermons very much, this afternoon the
one on James engrossed my whole attention, but it was not what Grandma calls a Gospel sermon,
and neither she nor aunt C. liked it. Mr. G. announced in the pulpit that his health was much
improved and that he should be able to continue his labors, also that he should exchange but little
which Grandma does not like at all, and which she construes into a confession that other ministers
are better preachers than he. She is very bitter against him because he did not treat Mr. Smith with
sufficient respect, and I don't think that any of the ... of the family have exhibited a very Christian
Spirit in regard to it. I have not advanced much in Spiritual things today. I am so disgusted with
some of the religious books I read that I cannot make up my mind to be a Christian, although I
long to be one.

Monday, 28. I have had a nice time today. After my morning duties, took a very pleasant walk with
aunt C., came home quite tired. Then studied and read Harper until diner. Practised until three,
studied French and Latin until five, and walked until nearly half past six. Aunt F. did not come
home & we all say we are glad of it because it will do her good. My dear Miss. S. called on aunt F.
today with Miss [Nippen] but of course did not come in. I looked out of my window & did not know
her.


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Tuesday, July 29. Arose some time before five this morning and after dressing read [Cecelia] until
breakfast time. Rained so I did not go out. From ten to half past one studied, wrote in my
composition book, and commenced my list of Distinguished Characters. Georgie Halliburton and
Miss Upshaw called on me. Received a letter from father and a check for twenty-five dollars which I
have got to present to uncle Henry though I dread it. I think I really have my father. We had
another delightful shower after dinner and just after it aunt F. and cousin Ralph arrived. Je ne
pense pas que la visite de ma tante a improve sa [humeur], mais n'importe. R stayed but about an
hour and heardly spoke to me.

August 1. Friday. They have come and therefore I have had no opportunity of writing in my journal
but now Joseph is asleep and I may sit here and think as lazy as I please. O what a dreary thing it is
to have nobody to love one, to feel all alone in the great world. I have secured a kind letter from
aunt Riar inviting me to make her a visit. Of course I cannot go. Would that some one would
introduce me to a certain lady whom I have seen once or twice whose name is Miss Sarah. If I could
know her and be loved by her methinks I should be happy. I do not like [Joseph] any more than she
likes me and that is not a great deal. I feel that the little of good, of pure in me will soon become
... ... her influence. By my troth! Nerissa my little body is aweary of this great world.


Sunday. August 3. To church all day as usual but not to Sunday school because it is commission
sunday. In the morning Mr G. gave us a very good sermon and I heard no complaints but I could
not appreciate it entirely, I was so sleepy. Took a nap at noon and so was wide awake for the
afternoon but another old minister preached, and I was interested against my will. I am so
[wishers], I do nothing right or good. Grand Seignor, faites nous [miseriable] I have quite and cold,
headache, and sore throat but fortunately no one knows of it, so I have not had to take any
[medicine]. [Il] ne jiens, pas beaucoup des proffesions de jenne tente, et je se sois pes per elle est
meilleur que les outres de nous.

Thursday Aug 7. Ah the beautiful, the divine, Raffaello! Even the unavoidably imperfect
photographs of his Madonnas are so inexpressibly lovely and they create in my soul such a longing
to see the originals. I must sometime go to Italy the land of paintings, the glorious land of Dante. I
have been reading three different books about Italy and as soon as I become old enough and have
money enough I am determined to go there.
Aunt F. went Wednesday. May she have a good time. [J]. I do not like at all she can only think of her
beaux & plagues me a great deal. I enjoy my music lessons very much and am making some
progress. Would I lived in the city and could go to the opera every night. There's many advantages
the city has over the country & yet the country is very beautiful & the Father made it.


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Monday. August 11. O what a pity, I have lost my gold pencil and I am so sorry. Last Saturday we
had such a beautiful thunder storm. It was so dark I was obliged to defer my music lesson for we
could not see at all. The lightning was glorious & the thunder perfectly grand. I like [J.] rather
better than I did but am not yet in love with her. I have made six calls today and only got in twice,
at Marie's and at Effie's. How charming is E., I love her more than ever. I stayed there nearly an
hour & talked about Africa, Italy and dead horses and etc. many other things. O how I wish she was
my sister or that I could have her visit me or else visit her myself. I almost [envy] Katy S. the
pleasure of her society. We agree in our dislike of [J.]. and in our longing to travel especially in
Italy. How unhappy this family is. Poor dear Grandma works herself almost to death and uncle is so
cross to her even & she is jealous of aunt M. who with all the children seems quite homesick &
aunt C. is as usual. M. is so good & lovely that I do not understand why her children should be so
disagreeable. Father is going to be married the middle of next month when he is coming here with
the bride and perhaps I shall go home with him. I do long to see the dear folks at home particularly
darling J. and yet I want very much to stay here on account of my studies and would you believe it,
because I so love Miss S. and Effie. I am reading the great Paradise Lost and like it very much
indeed.


Tuesday, 12. Je suis heureux dire que j'ai trouve mon portecrayon. John found it in the garden and
was honest enough to return it to me. Went down town this morning with J., took my bracelet to be
mended and went for a girl but did not succeed, practiced, studied & sewed, yesterday I read 85
pages of Corinne, today only 5. Have commenced the Mother's Recompense by Grace [Aguiler] &
like it very much. I like aunt M very much. She is the only one who ever talks to me decently of my
dear mother, she told me lots of secrets about the family & I gave [her] photograph to her. It
seems Mr. S. was a charity scholar with whom aunt E fell desperately in love and so they were
married. This afternoon [J] and I took a walk nearly to little Harbor and had a pretty nice time but
coming home we saw two men by the cemetery who frightened us very much and they actually
began to run ... after we were out of sight. I have a sly coming and I can barely see to do any thing.

Wednesday. I am so afraid father will be drafted I don't know what to do. What would become of us
children if he should be I cannot tell. How weak and silly I am because Mr. Meinerth flatters me so
much I think there is no one like me in the world and J brings my conceit down a peg sometimes
but I do like Mr. M very much - his manners are so different from those of an American. Today I
have commenced a tidy of worsted and j'enai fait demi!


Thursday. Aug 14. Arose before five and took a walk with J. and C. went down to the water and had
a nice time. after breakfast practiced worked, read and studied. afternoon practised, and read. J.C.
and C. went to take a sail with Mr. Chase, but I did not like to go. G.H. and J.W. called on me today.
Played dominoes with uncle and aunt in the evening until we heard the fire bells ring and then
uncle went out and we went up on top of the house and could see it very plainly but I wish I could
have gone out to have seen it. It looked very terrible even from the house top bursting out in
uncontrollable fury and making even the [dark] somewhat light. It seems it was near Saly
[Akermans] house and is now subdued. It is the first fire I have ever seen and I think I shall never
forget it.

Tuesday, Aug 19. Read Paradise Lost in the morning and practiced, received a very nice letter from
father and am so glad they are not going to draft there. H. has gone to the war and I am glad he is
so patriotic but he is such a fine young man that it would be a pity if he should be killed but I
suppose there are but little hopes of his ever coming back and I feel somewhat sad about it. I went
to the cemetery tonight and listened to a stirring speech from Rev. Mr. Humphrey who is himself
going to the war. It was very eloquenct and I hope it will do much good in the cause here.


Have finished Corinne today and on the whole like it very much indeed especially the [part] descriptive of Italy. Would
I could go there to see the many objects of interest but it would not be very pleasant there now I suppose as they are
engaged in war as well as this country. Jessie was in here nearly all the morning and then made two "kiss mes" not very
pretty. Father says he wants me to become a good performer on the piano as he thinks that bad music is worse than none
and I am going to practice very much and try to fulfil his wishes it is so kind of him to take so much interest in me when
he is otherwise engaged to such an extent. The new home is all finished but the fences & grounds & how I long to see it.
Wednesday, 20. Practised and went out in the morning & wrote a long and pretty good letter to father. Afternoon,
practiced; went with Jessie and Josie to get icecreams and took my music lesson. I did not like Mr. M. as well as
sometimes and he still keeps me on the old piece, Lucia, which I am utterly tired of, and it seems as if I could not learn
it perfectly. Went to see the tableaux at the temple with Uncle, aunt [M], and Josie. There were some very pretty ones &
all were good. Mr. Meinerth played on the piano and played miserably.


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Saturday,23, Yesterday I went with Josie and uncle Henry to Wallace's Sands, a distance of three miles and a half, and
when we got there it commenced to rain and we went into the Sagamore House which was unoccupied and stayed until
the shower was over. Coming home we ran a good ways and did not feel very tired ... was very pleasant all the way &
we had a fine time. In the evening we went a short time to the war meeting but the speech of Mr Prescott was not very
interesting. Sadie got home last night and today I called on her and was delighted to see her again. Have not seen Jessie
today!!! Called on Bill Emery but did not see him. Commenced making my drawers today. In the afternoon took my
music lesson and have at last got a new piece, Minuet de Mozart, which I think will be very pretty. I have taken fifteen
lessons of Mr. M. but do not think I have made as much improvement as I might have done, I was too long on [Lucia]
but I am determined to learn this piece very quickly. Next week I am going to be very much [industrious], get up early
because I must be in the habit of doing so when I go back to school. How glad I shall be in two weeks to see Miss S. and
the others! Then, too, I can see Effie every day and that will be indeed a privilege. And in three weeks dear father will
be here, and I shall be delighted to see them though I shall be rather frightened at first. What shall I call her I [wonder]


Sunday, Aug. 24. Mr. Gage preached a splendid sermon this mroning from the text "Ye (Christians) are our epistle
known [and] read of all men", and since it is by their fruits we should know them I think this must by the true Church.
What fruits have I ever found in the _s? But it troubles me that their fruit is not as perfect as could be wished, however,
Thank God, I have nothing to do but to take care of my own fruit though as yet I don't see as I have any. In the afternoon
Mr. Gage preached about Simon the unknown Christian, and was very interesting. In the evening went to a prayer
meeting for the country. Mr. Gage spoke beautifully and I enjoyed it greatly. "Tis an age on ages telling, to be living is
sublime." These are such grand, such glorious times and every one can do some thing for our beloved country.
Monday, Practiced in the morning on my new piece which is very hard but I wish to have it perfect for Mr. M. said he
usually had to give ten pieces between my [last] and this and though I do not of course believe him yet I do not wish to
disappoint him. Sewed some in the morning and Jessie came in. In the afternoon they went to the beach and I practiced,
read and took a walk with grandma and had an ice cream. In the evening went with Josie into Jessie's and there saw
[Dana Whipple] & Alfred [Laarkin] whom we liked very much, played cards and had a nice time.


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Wednesday, May 29, Practiced and sewed in the morning, practiced an hour in the afternoon. This morning Sadie and
Susie called and were very agreeable and in the afternoon, Carrie M. Took my music lesson today I had a "good" lesson.
I made a mistake, today is the fifteenth lesson, Aunt M. came in and Mr. M. was very polite to her. He has written a
good deal for uncle [J]'s Journal & sent him some pictures. He praised me much before her but of course I did not
believe what he said, perhaps he does not think her as soft as me. He is going to Chicago and will not be back until the
fifteenth of September I think he said. This evening I went to Jessie's to tea & had a fine time. Saw the Emeries, [Jay] is
as [pert] as ever but I do not think Bell is as pretty as she was. Carrie Peabody was there and I think she is the most
awkward girl I ever saw but she told a very good story in the playing stagecoach. We danced a little and played some
games, Horned ..., Boston, etc. Neither Josie nor I like G. [Melli] ... as well as we did at first. The girls were all dressed
very prettily but Susie D. looked rather the most genteel. Had Effie been there I should have liked it better but I believe
Susie does not know her. Willie Jones Ladd is going to the war. Yesterday Josie was fifteen years old. (This is the third
time I have written 15) & yesterday the piano was tuned by [Cobb],


Thursday, 28. I feel very homesick tonight & long so to see Jenny, she is the only one that loves me but perhaps she has
forgotten me now. I want to stay here and study and I want to go home with father when he comes and I cannot decide
which I want most but grandma may go to B. to spend the winter so that I cannot stay here. I do not know exactly how I
have idled away the day but I have not accomplished any thing, not even in practising. Tonight there was a Cantata at
our Church and we were going but a thunderstorm [persisted]. I was disappointed for I might have seen E. or Miss S.
and I think I should have enjoyed Miss Bartletts playing, but I do not think the singing can have been any thing Extra.
Jessie has been here nearly all afternoon.
Friday, 29. Sewed & practised in morning. Afternoon went with M. C. C. J. J. down to see our part of the 10th N. H.
regiment go off. The poor fellows looked very sad indeed and I pitied them for there is of course little chance of any of
them returning. Heard part of a speech from Mr. Patterson, saw Mr. Humphry who is not going until the 13th goes.
Played dominoes in the evening with Josie. Have not seen Sadie for two days but see Jessie two or three times a day. I
ought to have written to Auntie today but will do so tomorrow.


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Saturday, 30th. Took a short walk with Josie this morning before breakfast in the cool delightfulness of the early day.
Wrote a letter of six pages to auntie, the longest and perhaps the best I ever wrote, and even in all that forgot to mention
Jessie's party. With that exception have done actually nothing worth speaking of, unless a little desultory practicing on
the [Fall of Paris] can be so called. About five went out with Cassie to the cemetery and had a delightful walk and talk
about mothers in general and ourselves in particular. We found a number of beautful wild flowers new to Carrie and I
placed a bouquet on the green of a certain neglected Christine and also on that of lone Josie Cutter. Crocheted some in
the evening. This is the last of the week & month & after today I must try to be more industrious but I write that every
night and each day finds me still the same [o'Life]. While writing my letter I felt so much better, happier for exerting
myself a little and I sometimes wonder that any one can ever relapse into idleness after once tasting the rewards of
labor. Christine, I charge thee fling away ambition. By that sin fell the angels & how can men then hope to gain by it? *

*Cromwell, I charge thee, fling away ambition: By that sin fell the angels; how can man, then, The image of his Maker,
hope to win by it?
William Shakespeare, King Henry the Eighth, Act III. Scene II.


Sunday, 31. To church all day as usual and listened to a rather "slow" sermon from the minister from Manchester Mr.
Gage having gone to some State meeting in Concord. All the others liked him very much except H. but after hearing and
appreciating Mr. G. we could not be expected to find anyone else equal to him. Had a nice time at S.S. and like Miss
Hazelton very much. Am not a C. yet mais je brule a le ..., perhaps I am 'indulging a hope],' how I hate that expression...
A Grecian philosopher dreamed one night and in his dream there appeared to him a beautiful bird which soared up to the
sky and disappeared. He thought much of this dream and in the morning when a little son was brought to him he thought
it was a prophecy of the future fame of his child and that child did indeed become distinguished and is now known all
over the civilized world. I should like to know the [names] and will try to find them out... Last night the glorious news
some of the success of ... army and the utter defeat and rout of the rebels. Thank God for it but there are such a number
of killed as fills one with horror. Tonight the telegrams say they are still fighting desperately.


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Retrospection of the Month. This has been a season of rest from study and has been principally devoted to pleasure but I
have not been very happy. In regard to practicing here no [fault] to [find], except with the last few days. I have not
otherwise worked enough or been half good enough. Have not set a good example to the other children, of long
suffering, gentleness, patience, when my advantages have perhaps been superior to theirs. Have not stood up for the
truth as I ought, have not even been sufficiently mindful of it myself though I have told no direct lie and above all have
not given enough Mention to religious subjects. When I went to school I thought this vacation would be a good time to
become a Christian but now it is nearly past and I have done nothing towards it. Oh I feel that I am very weak and
sinful, but it is said Jesus will forgive if I could only go to him and cast my [burden] on the Lord. But have I done
nothing well I and have I no fruits to show? Alas but very little.
[Prospection]. In a week more my school commences again and then at last I must be more industrious but I have a great
... to the coming week to mend all my clothes and get myself in perfect order for my school duties. I intend to get up at
five every morning and commence the day with prayer and reading, & to endeavor to improve every moment of my
time, to write home once a week & to submit to every thing as from the hand of the Lord.


Monday, Sept.1. I am almost satisfied with the results of my resolutions & I think that today I have done pretty well for
the first time though there is still room for very much improvement. But alas! my great expectations of study for the
coming winter are dashed to the ground. It is pretty much settled that Grandma will spend the winter in Boston so I, of
course, go home with father and I do not think it worth while to commence going to school here as I could only remain
two weeks at the most. I have felt a kind of subtle joy all day at the prospect of going home, of seeing the dear ones. I do
not think there is much [love lost] in this family. Not one member seems to care for another except that grandma is a
perfect slave for uncle H's every [caprice]. Certainly I do not [greatly] love any of them. I like Josie very much now that
I know her better & I think she likes me a little and Carrie is a sweet girl but [Charly] is very selfish. My first pair of
drawers were finished today, little thanks to [me] though, having been seven days in the works, & the other pair are well
under way. Took a walk in [morning] and have not been out since. There has been a dry storm today. [Having] ... &
lowering clouds but little rain. Ella and Jessie called.


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Tuesday.2. Arose quite late having overslept myself. practiced and sewed in the morning, and played jackstraws &
backgammon. This afternoon readied fifty pieces of linen about two inches square for lint for the soldiers & enjoyed
doing it very much. poor fellows there are so many wounded & I suppose they are sadly in want of many necessaries. I
think that when I go home I shall take my twelve dollars from the bank and give it to them. Made five calls this
afternoon & only got in at one place, Ella Preston's, where we had a very pleasant call. Finished my tidy this evening.
Have been very industrious this afternoon and evening and have not read a word. Indeed have read none of any
consequence today.
Thursday.3. My lamp went out last night so I could not work. Made lint nearly all day & began another tidy. Effie and
Maria called in the afternoon and I was delighted to see the first. She played splendidly the Mazourka and my Minuet de
Mozart and I only wish that I could see her oftener. Today the aunt and children went and I did not feel very sorry
though I have been rather lonesome today and homesick. Practiced some in the morning, crocheted & read Harper.
Jessie came for me directly after dinner & I have been with her all the afternoon, walking some of the time and making
lint. I wish some one from home would write to me. I suppose they have forgotten all about me. It is two weeks since I
wrote to father and [Harry] and one since to [Auntie].


Friday, Sept.5. Practiced until eleven and wrote until one. practised until three, read and sewed, read Shakespeare in the
evening. The old house is so still and deserted and lonesome. Aunt C. is sick and will not speak and I enjoy the solitude
very much. Have not been out today. I feel that I have grown today, I feel older, more womanly. I wish to become a true
woman, to accomplish something for the good of my fellow men. I must be well connected, refined, healthy, and, above
all, good, and a Christian. I must learn self denial. I know I'm weak and sinful but Jesus can forgive. I can do nothing
without help from above. I long to go home but I suppose the time will come soon enough and then I will long to be
back here again, to the quiet and easy life I now lead. I wish they would write to me, I will write to ... tomorrow
Sunday, 7. Went to church as usual but was not much edified. In the morning Mr. G. preached a funeral sermon for the
country and Mrs. Webster, and in the afternoon he was not very brilliant. Aunt F. retired home last night and I was glad
to see her but I fear I did not show it much. She brought me a beautiful Photographic Album and I am going to have my
carte-de-visite taken when Mr. Meinerth gets back. It is my great desire to travel to go to Niagara, Mt. Washington and
Italy and I must study now all in in my power.


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Tuesday, 9. Hurrah! Hurrah! I am going to school tomorrow and I am delighted. Father is not going to be married until
the 18th and he is then going to Niagara, Saratoga, and New York, so will not be here until the 28th of October,
therefore it was decided that I might go to school until then. Have not practiced much today. Took a short walk in the
morning, read and studied, afternoon sewed, and went in to see Sadie. Studied all the evening. Received letters from
[Jes]. and H. this morning. the first not very satisfying, considering my last. H. has improved much and was interesting.
[S.] is going to the Normal school and I should like to go with her; perhaps I may. Theodore Cook wants to teach the
school in ... and if if he does I should not like to go there. I perceive that I must cultivate my self resepct. I must have a
little pride and not submit to every insult.
Wednesday, 10, How glad I was to get back to school today. I study Natural Philosophy in addition to my previous
studies, read Racine in French and [Andrews] Latin Reader. At first I thought I did not like Miss Sarah's manner toward
me but at recess she came to me and spoke so pleasantly that I loved her better than ever but I, I behaved like a boor.
Effie nor Sadie were neither of them there but are coming soon, [Susie] ... was the only one new scholar and she


seems to be a gentle well liked girl whom I think I shall llike very much, Miss Tompson is very
pleasant and says she will continue so if we do not trouble her. I had a good lesson in Algebrea but
cannot for the life of me do any more of the examples. In the afternoon practiced, studied, and
walked with Jessie, studied all the evening. Received a letter from father today with his Photograph
which I think pretty good but he does not like it. I was not particularly delighted with the spirit of
the letter and indeed I had no reason to be as it brought the bad news that he may be drafted. I
hope he will get a substitute if should be, for I could not, could not bear to have him go. I do love
him so and I fear he would never return though I suppose it is only for nine months. There are only
twenty to be raised and I do hope he will escape. I shall try to write to him tomorrow if I have time.
He is to be married two weeks from today but will not be here until the middle of next month
provided he does not have to go to the wars. Mrs. Hill and Farrell have just returned from Europe
where they have had a fine time. I should think he might enlist as he a regular soldier. Saw
blackeyes today.


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{18

Thursday, 11. I have been happy today with but few exceptions. Went to school and had good
lessons but sometimes I feel very uncomfortable when I think the girls do not like me. Effie and
Maria came in a few minutes at recess and I was so pleased to see her pleasant face. She is not
coming to school until next week. Sadie I think is "real disagreeable" sometimes and we are not
particularly good friends. Miss [T.] is very pleasent though one could see that she was tired before
school was out.

Monday, 15. To school in the morning. I could not enjoy it much for I was thinking of my father, he
must not be drafted but he does not [love] one, what matters it? Had pretty good lessons today but
not hard ones. Have not practiced as much as I ought. In the afternoon Sadie came in to study and
I am a fool. I was as weak as to show her my composition which I wrote Saturday night, and I
brought down my journal to show her and I am afraid she saw the above but I hope she did not.
She was very pleasant and I liked her because she praised me, we took a walk together. I hate and
despise myself [and]


So does everybody else and if there were no future life I would wish to be in my [grave]. Why is it
that I am so ... that everyone dislikes me? [Of course] because I dislike everyone except those
precious few and those despise me, especially Effie. Oh I do hope that my father will not be drafted
but I suppose that I ought to be willing to give him life to the country, why should I be opposed
when so many give their loved ones to the destroyer. Would he was a Christian, it would then be
different. There is a ... tonight and I can hear them hurrahing and the band playing at intervals. I
should liked to have gone but I had to study. I wish my father were a hero in the strife, it is so
mean to be drafted, I feel ashamed to speak of it. Marie's brother has volunteered. My father is
selfish so are all men and women too, neerly [sic]. Uncle H. is disgusting, contemptible, man pere
meme est mieux que lui, et je suis bien aise qui il ne m'est plus que .... pour moi, je le hais, et
enfin je n'aime personne en ... [maison]. Would that I could see my dear sister


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Thursday, Sept. 18. Today father was probably married. Heaven have pity on mes [soufirs] et grant
mes priers qu'elle soit Christien, a la [Racine]. Je le [serrais], plutot, se marrin avec Mlle Sarah, mais
ce que on ne peut empecher, il faut qu'on should bear, et enfin je pense que je l'aimerai beaucoup,
cependant, jamais comme ma propre mere. Ils sont a Niagara etc., et ils serront ici le premier
Octobre, providence permitting. Mes priers sont [exancies] et mon pere n'est pas drafted, grace a
Dieu. I should have written in my journal every night for I have had much to say but I study until
about ten besides all day and by that time I am too sleepy. Tuesday night, wonderful indulgence, I
slept with Sadie and enjoyed mon [reprieve] beaucoup. Puis je apprendre de lui, la complaisance a
mon frere. J'aime her positively, Effie comparatively, et Mlle S. superlatively. The letter came to
school yesterday so pale, so deathlike, was it from mental or physical evil or [pain!] She could not
even hear the lessons. Mr. M has not yet returned and I am not practicing much. Que le bon Dieu
est tres bon, partout a moi. je dois l'aimer de tout mon coeur et de tout mon ame. May the time
soon come when I may sing his praises before his throne.


Friday, 19. Enjoyed my school duties very much today. Miss Sarah was remarkably pleasant et je l'aime beaucoup. Je
pense que j'apprends mes lecons francais aussi bien que les autres et je sais que j'aime mon [institution] plus que [pas]
un. I shall not write of E. because I am tired of thinking and speaking and writing of no one but those two! Had pretty
good lessons and recited a stupendous example in Algebra.
Have not studied much this afteroon, but sewed and read the Autocrat of the Breakfast Table which I have always liked
so much. Uncle Harry's copy of it is larger than ours but I find myself very familiar with parts of it. I should like to see

O.W.H. pour le remercier pour les [verities] qu'il y a ecrit et qui me ... en beaucoup, si bien. I hope that I shall learn to
read Latin as I drink water, without testing it, as the professor does. I am not certain that I have been wise to try three
books for only three weeks for perhaps I will never want them again. I decided that I do not care much about going to
school anywhere this winter as I could probably improve myself from reading at home but of course it will be just as
father says

Tues, Sept. 23. How little I have written in my journal of late; but I have a good excuse this time. I have had a sty on
my eye and have been kept at home from my dear school on that account des tantes qui je n'aime pas. Ses appellez-vous
Christians! Elles le s'appellent mais, je ne [puis] le vois, comme dit mon frere. J'ai recu aujourd hui les cartes de ... de
mon pere. Donc ils se sont [meries]. [Please] a Dieu de les faire heureux. Je pense que je l'aimerai, mais personne ne
sais ne rien dans ce monde. Je me [lesse] de ne pas aller a l'ecole, et j'ai peur que j'ai ete ce que vous disiez "cross",
mais n'importe. They are not going to N.Y. to spend the winter and probably I shall stay here s'il plait a mon pere et a
moi. Puis, je consente de rester ici quand j'auaris si herureuse chez nous! Cependant je suppose que je dois rester ici for
the superior school advantages which I enjoy, and perhaps I like it quite as well. Il ne me faudra pas de voir beaucoup
d'eux, j'irais a l'ecole tous les jour et dans l'apres-midi, j'etuderai, peut-etre je restirer ici si je le [pourrai]. Dressmaker
has been here today for me.


Thursday, Sept 25. Arose with the sun, a little before six and read until breakfast time. Went to school, taking a letter
to Aunt to the postoffice, had good lessons and studied pretty well. Miss G. praised my composition, which, by the by
aunt F. has never seen, before the whole school and I felt very much ashamed. She said it was the only one she had read
that kept to the subject, and I think myself that it was pretty good. I think writing in my journal is a great help in
learning to express one's self well and I find I write compositions more easily than I used. Studied steadily all the
afternoon and evening and with some success. I am particularly desirous of having good lessons in French, in order to
please my dear teacher. This is English day and I must not write in French although I feel inclined to do so. I feel well-
satisfied with myself tonight and I am too proud, too self-conceited, but I do not suppose that it will last long. I hope I
may stay here all winter for I love my school so much. As I have plenty of time I think I shall take up another study. I
have not yet decided between Zoology and Geometry. I think I should like the first best myself, but I should like to
study the same as Effie does.


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Friday, Sept. 26. Enjoyed myself very much at school. I have been late but once and absent twice. Met E. and walked
with her and talked with her, and we seem to like each other very well. She brings me a pear every day now. The other
one did not seem very well today, but she was pleasant to me. Had good lessons but really I do not study half enough. I
think I might take at least two more studies but perhaps I shall not until father comes and goes, he will be here next
week I suppose, cependant peut-etre il ne prendra aller chez lui et je preferais y rester beaucoup, beaucoup. Some of the
girls, E., take lessons in French of Dr. [Gre...] and they are reading Silvio Pelico [Pellico] or Mes Prisons, which when I
read it I felt ashamed of reading but liked it very much. Went over to Jessie's to study this afternoon so of course did
not study at all. Took a short work with E.P. whom I dislike. I shall try not to associate with her or with any of that set
any more. They ne sont nullement [...ssi] gentilles que desmoiselles de Mme Thomson. Studied in my own room as
well in the evening. I do not wish to form particular habits as they prevent one from acting according to circumstances,
but no, that is not expressed


correctly but I know what I mean. However I have them and like them. For instance, I learn my lessons in the same
order usually and learn my Philosophy walking and I do not know as there is any great honor in it. The last cannot last
long anyway for it will soon be too cold to study here. It was quite chilly today and we had fire in the morning. I am
certainly a perfect nonentity now if I never was before, and no one cared a straw about me except to dislike me, at least
in this house. I love my father and wish he loved me. Sadie was not at school until recess and then did not stay long.
She had a bad cold and [head ache] and did not look at all well, and I am afraid she will not be able to go tomorrow.
Miss G. was pleasant today at least in all the lessons that I recited to her and I like her assez bien. S.O. I like pretty
well. Est-ce parce que elle on'a dit qu j'etait le favorite de Miss [T]. Mais je pense que non. I have written so long that
the clock could wait no longer and has struck ten [ten].


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Monday, Sept 29. Only four girls at School today but E. was one so there were enough. Is it that I love her because she
hath first-loved me. No, I think it is vice versa. Studied well and had good lessons. Got a letter from father at recess.
They have had a very pleasant journey and are now in New York. Father is going to Washington but will perhaps be
here by the last of this week and how glad I shall be to see them. It seems [A.] would not attend his wedding. I think it
was rude, unkind of her, inexcusable indeed, she certainly will not make herself loved by me if she acts in this manner. I
am so afraid that she has predjudiced J. and H. against her but she shall never do so to me. Ruth and Alice are and we
are all delighted with them and it does indeed seem very different from the general appearance of the work before. I
like them both very much. After practising wrote my composition on Philanthropy and was all the afternoon just
writing the first-copy and that was not very good nor was it even finished. Studied at a too fast pace in the evening, and
though I did not look at my lessons before, have no fear but that I shall do well enough tomorrow. It is therefore
perfectly evident that I have time now for another study and I shall commence another as soon as Effie does. This
evening I received


a visit in my sanctum sanctorum, from F. who came to see what I was about. She came at a very good time for I had
just finished my chapter in the Bible and had still the book in my hand so she could not say any thing against my
occupation nor yet against my sitting up late, which was probably part of her errand, for it had but just struck nine. My
room does indeed look quite pretty now. It is astonishing how much difference the making a bed creates in the general
appearance of a room: Mine used to look so untidy and now it looks so nice! Father sent two photographs of her which
are very good but I do not like them as well as the one he had before. Saturday when I tried to write my composition I
could not think of any thing to say but today after some thought the ideas seemed to flow easily enough. How true it is
that the mind is an inexhaustible well from which, when one draws one thought, others follow rapidly. I think that
keeping a journal even this little time has been of great help in [collecting] facility of expression and I find it much
easier to write than I used. Sadie has a cold and was not at school, so also Susie [Dwight].


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Tuesday, 30
Monday, Oct. 6. Just a week since I have opened my journal. The fact is, I study until ten or after and then I am too
sleepy to write, sometimes even to read. I have had some photographs taken of myself by Mr. Meinerth. I think they
will be pretty good but have not seen them yet. I get more acquainted with Mr. M. and like him much, but it must be
confessed he was very cross at my last lesson but n'importe, I was I know very stupid. I commenced the first of October
but was excused Saturday. I have a new piece, [Quintette] from the great Beethoven. I feel proud of it but it is pretty
easy. Miss S. continues to go very well with me but perhaps the first romance of my attachment is wearing off. I have
read two books, the Journal of a Poor Young Lady, but one by ... was [her home]. it very interesting book indeed, good,
pretty, religious and I think it made me some better. The other I got at Shores' librarie unknown to any of the family.
Nathalie by Julia Kavanaugh, quite exciting and I rather like it. All about l'amour and the plot very similar to the first.
I'm I now [know] at a particularly susceptible age or period when all I read makes a deep impression. Perhaps so, I do
not think I shall read any more novels at present. At least I shall confine myself to one a week. Father and the bride
elect


will probably be here tomorrow. I shall be bashful at first but glad to see them. One moment I long for the time to
come and then the next I wish it were deferred for some days. What will she look like and how shall I like her? Of
course never is my own cher mere. If she had lived how happy I should be. Oh those who have mothers little know
how to appreciate them. Had I only known how soon she was to be taken then I should have loved her but I suppose it
was all for the best. But often has my heart utterly accused me for the many times I have grieved her who loved me so,
... even disobeyed my precious. O could I but see her one short time to ask her to forgive, to love her, love her. Who
loves as a mother loves.... Ah, no, impossible. Shall I ever be loved? There is time enough yet. I love every one now.
It is very wicked for me to indulge in those naughty tempers. I must never do so again. God help me to be good, to do
good, and to love--especially.

Sunday, Nov. 9. Ah yes! they have been and gone. Peut-etre je suis [word erased] Que elle est differente de ma propre
mere! Elle peut-etre bonne mais si [words erased], elle ne parle pas correctament meme. J'avais [hoste] de lui avant
mes tants si grandes. Mais je pense que je le trouverai assez bonne et il me faut ne pas plaindre. She is very pretty & I
think I shall like her well. Assez.


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A month I have wasted, as to writing atleast. A long long time it seems to me now yet how short in reality. Miss
Thompson does not improve on acquaintance but Miss S. I love with all the passionate devotion of any nature, as the
novels say. Every day I but love her more but she--she hates me. E. too increases daily in my esteem. But all this time
he's not made me a Christian. Alas that it should be so. How sorry I am that Mr. Gage is going. He really is & I have
no power to stay him. His health is so impaired that he cannot take the charge of so large a parish, & principally, there
is dissatisfaction in the church! Nasty, mean, fault-finding, old hypocrites! Christians indeed: Can't see it. It rained a
few drops today & it would keep me at home though I longed to go to church. I wonder if he preached. Read nearly all
day "Living Words from Plymouth Pulpit"* being indeed, so great, so true, why does not [C.] like Beecher? I think she
may be too conservative. I have so many things to say I know not how to begin & cannot say it all tonight, only the
outline. In the first place Aunt F & Grandma are in Brooklyn. They have been gone three short weeks & will perhaps
return the last of this week. I have occupied their room & I now write these words at half past ten in F's closet. How
splendid I ever thought it would be to have this nice room & especially the closet. So it is and my only trouble is the
fear that [C] many hear me.

*Henry Ward Beecher


Tuesday, Nov. 10. By my troth! Nerissa, my little body is aweary of this great world.* What makes me so weary
tonight? Alas! unpoetical answer! I have eaten too much I verily fear. I really must learn to restrain my enormous
appetite and I am afraid I shall surpass the [Fat] Women from my own State. Though it was a beautiful day I did not go
to school, partly because I had a cold & partly to spite Miss Tompson because she would not let me come home when C.
sent for me last Saturday, in the snow, but my own reason was that I did not know my lessons! Shame on you
Christine! I really fear your ambition has all gone. Your are such a great stupid ... dunce of a loggerhead, know literally
nothing & yet pretend to think you know so much. C. thinks you very vain. Can nothing arouse me from this dull
torpor? I must have more energy, more perseverence. "Cromwell, I charge thee, fling away contrition! by that sin fell
the angels, how can men then hope to win by it?" but I have no ambition. I used to have a little, now I am a fool. Shall
I be learned & famous or shall it be love in a cottage with him? Nous verrons. Wrote my composition on Alfred (dear
little fellow) today, not a word of it my own, but of course I know nothing about him of myself. I must

*Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice, (Portia,I.ii.1-2)


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read Modern Europe when I shall have the time. What nonsense I am writing, but when I shall be famous it will be
published as the greatest wonder of the age, you know. [Salon] Beecher. How fares my music you ask? but ill. Mr M.
is displeased that I take no more pains but do not say I am idle, profligate? Oui, pis. I suppose I could write all night
but that I feel cold.

Saturday, 15. "We're all poor critters" as widow B. strikingly observes & especially I. Granmda & F. arrived last night
& of course there has been a perfect stream of talk ever since. And now I am back in my old domicile once more, it
seemed so pleasant & homelike last night but it is most very cold. I have wasted the day in reading Miriam. I hate &
despise novels but still read & read till I am sick to death of the same illustrations of the old proverb, "The course of true
love never runs smooth." Actually I have not played a note today though it is Saturday and no school. I have begun to
fix my hat & perhaps C. will finish it. Went to walk in the afternoon with C. but did not [have] quite so pleasant a time
as usual. Farewell now to the good old 'quiet' times we had together, so pleasant to me at least. Met Mr. [G.] today &
had such a sweet bow & smile as I shall never forget, the first time he ever knew


me in the street. I do hope he will preach tomorrow & I shall go if it rains pitchforks. If I do not become a Christian
under his preaching, I shall never be one. The famous Gottschalk was really here last evening & I could not go to hear
him! It was really a shame. I wanted so much to go &, forsooth, I had no one to go with me. I never saw a place so
destitute of beaux as this old fogy town. Were it not for the "attractions" I should be awfully homesick. Yesterday I did
several examples in Algebra that E. could not do & I think she did not like it much, mais n'importe. Je l'aimais, je
l'adore. I hope it will rain Monday that Emma Stacy may not be there for she always sits next my love & the [impudent]
even takes madames hand in hers all the time we read! I never dared do such a thing before but if I get a chance I shall.
_______ is the greatest sham that ever was et je la hais un peu. She is so cross to C. who of course is as meek as a lamb.
A beautiful Christian family indeed, living together in such brotherly, or rather sisterly love & kindness: such a fine
example! I am surprised that I am not induced to follow it. Ella & Mr. [J] are the greatest prodigies there ever was.
Mr.[J.] is so spirituelle that even G. does not pretend to come up to him.


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Sunday, Nov. 16. "By my troth! Nerissa, my little body is a weary of this great-world!" and especially of the Sundays
of this great world. the most tedious day I have spent for a long time though I went to church all day. I think I never
saw so homely a man as our minister today. Spiritualle, F. says, much better sermon than Mr. G. preaches, forsooth, I
am 'a weary' of hypocrites. Je penserai que elles avaient-tombe short of the glory of God today, nothing but gossip from
morning to night, a perfect stream of petty events of the journey. I doubt if her tongue has erased an instant all the
evening. The Sunday School was not nice at all. Miss Hazelton is no favorite of mine, and I should think she would
begin to despair of 'converting' her scholars. What shall I do for lessons tomorrow! I shall catch it I suppose from the
ogre for she is always cross after the santifying influences of the Sabbath. It is very cold indeed today and I should
think we might even have skating for tomorrow. I wore all my new things, and they said I looked very elegant. I am
afraid I shall be too proud. I don't want to go to school tomorrow & I certainly don't want to stay at home. I wish, I
wish, I wish I were at home.


Monday, Nov. 17. I did not want to go to school today but after I got there I enjoyed myself pretty well and what
lessons I recited were perfect. It is a perfect shame that Miss Thompson does not hear half the lessons. The last hour is
always hurried, and she hardly ever hears us recite more than the review of our lessons, so we don't learn any more. I
was so ashamed of myself at recess, but I do not like to write the story, I shall remember it only too well without. Effie
is a sweet darling. E.[S.] says she is not going to study French any longer & I am glad on one account, for now I can sit
next Miss S. in reading. Perhaps Sadie will leave school because her health is not good. I suppose I am sorry but I do
not think my tears will overflow the ocean. Practised some this afternoon but I am afraid I shall not have a very good
lesson next Wednesday. O! I am so homesick! I only wish I could look into the 'new [house]' a few moments, see dear
little Jenny, even get into bed with her. Has she forgotten me! O! the agony of the thought. I pray God she has not. I
do love her so. They send me to bed before ten so of course I have to study up in the cold.


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Tuesday, 18. How strange that now, try as I may, I cannot wake up until so late, twenty-minutes after seven at the
earliest. Either my bed is too comfortable or I sit up too late. But I go to bed at eleven nearly always, and I think eight
hours of sleep enough for any body. At least I shall not allow myself more. My loves were both beautiful, as usual.
We had a new scholar today, one Miss Benham. We are all perfectly charmed with her. She has such elegant manners
and is so excruciatingly polite. She is a splendid French scholar, and I suppose, as good in every thing else except
perhaps arithmetic. She is only to come in to recite her lessons as she is said to be delicate. What will the ogre do now,
to get through at half past one? I never get home until two o'clock and am so well acquainted with cold dinner. Sadie
left today. She says she is going to study just the same at home but I reckon it won't last long. Practised and finished
my hat and then went to walk with Jessie & G.H. dressed up to the nines. Didn't I cut a ... though! none of the girls
knew me at first-sight. My outfit is so becoming.


Wednesday, Nov. 19. Today E.[S.] did not recite her translation so I sat next to Miss [S.]. I did not dare to take her
hand as E. does though I longed to do it, but on my book there there appeared these words: "[Neseri quod, certe est quod
me tibi temperet cestrum.]" She took no notice of them. I do not know that she read them. Miss Benham did not come
to recite French but I was in great dread every moment, of seeing her enter. She is such a superior French scholar that
the girls say she will be greatly shocked with Miss S.'s pronunciation. 'The ogre' would not let me recite my French
Grammar because she was hearing Algebra. She keeps the schoolroom so hot, it makes my head ache dreadfully. At
last a letter from dear father, and such a long one and nice one too. They are all settled in the new house and had a
serenade one night of all the Pequonoch folks. Buckshot among others. I always like that boy; why, I know not. took
my music lesson today got along pretty well. I have such a beautiful piece for my new lesson, 'Gondellied' by Theodor
Oesten.* When I can play that I shall consider myself almost made. I am the proudest, crossest, most disagreeable
creature that ever was, & that is the reason F. hates me so.

*A German composer, musician, and music teacher.


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Thursday, 20. It rained this morning so E.S. was not at school. I had the pleasure of sitting next to Miss S. but she is as
cold as the Ice [Ring]. I think she must be greatly displeased with me and no wonder, I am such a good for nothing old
sotte. How I wish I was more like E.L. in some things. My 'example' was a little darling today. She has a lovely
character and I must try to imitate her. She does not appear to hate me but still she does not feel for me the passionate
devotion that her superiority awakens in me. The ogre would have been very cross today if she had ... a chance but we
had such good lessons she could not find much to scold about. The ['bugbear'] is not going to study French and I am
delighted. She had but three scholars and five after recess and yet she did not get through until nearly two and then did
not hear more than half the lessons. It is a perfect shame for her to treat us so. Practised until half past three, then wrote
to father, a pretty decent letter. Studied hard all the evening. Today I did two examples that the example could not [do].


Saturday, 22. How I wish Miss G. would have school Saturday. I think & so do the others, that it is a barbarous
practice & ought to be Stopped. She only does it from her own selfishness. It rained steadily all day so I could not go
out & I felt somewhat like a fish out of water. Practised some time & nearly learned my new piece. Romped with [F] a
little & spent most of the evening in the kitchen with Beth. I did not like her much because she talked too much &
would not let me talk enough.

Tuesday, 25. It is so cold now that I write in my journal with reluctance. I scrabble into bed as fast as possible and
there read Barneby Rudge* until about eleven, but today my love was so sweet that I wish to record it. E.S. has left
school I am happy to say, so I now sit next my love every day. I wrote some amorous Latin sentences in my book
which she of course read. She had a terrible cough and it was distressing to hear her. No man can serve two masters.
My example was not cordial today. I cannot tell whether she was displeased with me or not, but she was, I have

*Barnaby Rudge: A Tale of the Riots of the Eighties by Charles Dickens


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not for what reason. H. arrived last night, direct from dear old Poquonock. They are all so happy there and moi, je suis
si miserable. Que je voudrais bien etre ... less. Oh! if I only had someone to love me love me as I could love. If my
dear ones at school would only like me a little, but I am so unpleasing, so disagreeable, no wonder I am despised. I
have flung away ambition and love is now my dream; or if that be denied me I wish to be tortured, to be killed with all
possible torments. How my heart thrills when I read of such things! When a Vestal broke her vow of chastity she was
dressed for burial as if dead, taken to a bier to a deep pit into which the common executioner conducted her and there
she was buried alive. Would such could be my fate but I suppose it is impossible.

Wednesday. 25. Rained here today & the ogre did not come until nearly nine, & then she brought such bad news! My
sweet love is very sick, had to have a doctor & of course was not able to come out. My example was not there so it was
not so pleasant but I got along pretty well. The ogre told us that she fell from the top to the bottom of


of our stairs and gave us a very interesting account of it. I believe I really like her better than I pretend. We are to have
no more school this week for which I am very sorry. I seem to have lived so very long since this morning that I can
hardly remember my feelings then. I suppose the reason is that I have been reading such a nice book this evening,
"Leisure Hours in Town" by the Country Parson.(1) What a [splendid] writer he is! No, that is bombast, I mean
truthful, earnest. I am now in a Vealy(2) state. Five years hence I shall look with perfect contempt at this journal, but
indeed I do that now. I must write a great deal to throw off the bombast, but I don't think I have a great [superfluity] of
that now, so I suppose I shall soon be dry & prosy. However it is of course very necessary for me to write much, and I
must not have any help in my compositions. I must be particular to write in as good taste as I can and to improve
continually. I must take great pains with my writings & make them as good as possible though they are so very crude
and immature. And I must not think so highly of

(1)Leisure Hours in Town, by author of The recreations of a Country Parson [i.e. A.K.H. Boyd]
(2)Vealy: not fully developed


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myself. I know I am very, very vain. I think myself superior to everyone around me and think others are always
looking at me and thinking of me. This is one of the things that he says are slowly learnt but I must persevere and when
once learnt, must not forget them. I must remember that I am not of the very slightest consequence in the world, beyond
my own narrow circle, and only of very little there. I am very immatue, I know nothing at all, I am the very meanest of
God's creatures and why am I so conceited? There are so many valuable things in that book, so much to remember. I
must read it very slowly and think as I read.

Thanksgiving-day. A clear beautiful day, warm and pleasant for winter, and the sky of such a superb blue. Went to
church in the morning. The music was splendid & Mr. Gage's sermon was unexceptionable. Even the good folks of the
house could not possibly find fault with it and it exceeded even my expectations. His subject was of course to discover
the numerous reasons we have for thankfulness, and he made the silver lining of our cloud of national troubles, clearly
to appear ...


sermon was [foreable] and earnest and the exercises all together very interesing. We have had a very fine dinner and
supper off the feet of the bird and I pray to be much thankful for all the tender mercies of the Father but more especially
for my educational privileges. Not all children have such good opportunities for improvement and I must endeavor to
improve them. I must have energy, industry, tact, decision, promptitude. I am very unhappy. I am so very very silly. I
never know what to say when H. addresses me and I make the most foolish replies and the worst of it is, I know it at the
time. Oh how I should strive to attain the knowledge of truth and reality. My time on earth is so short that I ought not
to waste a single moment but to try to reach the greatest possible perfection, but after that, what then? Alas I know not,
only would I loved the Father. It must be a very pleasant feeling to feel entirely satisfied with oneself, to have perfect
self respect and to feel that one can never do wrong. But yet I pray God I may never come to that state for it is at least
very unpleasant to others.


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Nov. 29. Hateful, despicable tyrants! At dinner time H. talked shockingly of dear Poquonock and the others joined in
making it out a perfect heathen land. And I, false-hearted creature, sat by and listened, never daring to say a word in
defense of my own, my native land. How my blood boiled to hear them speak such lying slanders about my sainted
mother's birthplace. Oh! why am I not at home! Half a year is as much as I can possibly stand among these saintly
hypocrites and I shall never come here again to be so insulted. Yes insulted every day of my life and I am such a
smooth tongued rascal that I lick the hand that lays me low. I was invited to a party at Alice Ball's but of course did not
go. At first H. was going and I was to go with him but at the last moment he said he would not go. I was not in the least
disappointed for I did not care at all about going but they pretended to think I was and goaded me to on to bitter tears
and made me make a fool of myself before H. Oh how very tedious it is not to go to school. I shall be so glad when
next Monday comes and I shall see my dear loves. Wrote a disgusting composition (while angry) about My Own
Church not indeed


theirs. Met Mr. G. this morning and he bowed so sweetly. Fate is always cruel to me or I should perhaps have had a
few words from him. Went into Sadie's this morning and really saw her at last and borrowed her Algebra. She is very
pale and thin and I am glad she is not a love of mine. Alas! why did God make me so very homely, ugly, and ___ so
very pretty? No one can ever love me. Oh mother come back from the echoless shore, Take me again to your heart as of
yore, Over my slumbers your loving watch keep, Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep.* Alas, my passionate
longing and tears all in vain cannot recall the dear one. Oh, does she know how I love her, I who was so naughty while
she stayed? Does she watch over me now

Sunday, Nov. 30. I cried so last night for my darling. Oh could I but have her again all would be well. I am utterly
depraved, is not my wickedness great and my iniquities infinite? Words cannot express my hatefell(sic), hating,
despising spirit and yet I will not come to the Comforter. A nasty old minister preached, so conceitedly. G. must favor
us next Sunday for it will be communion. I

*from the poem Rock Me to Sleep by Elizabeth Akers Allen (1832-1911)


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have had such a strange experience last Sunday and today. I do not like to write it even here and did I not know that no
one but myself will ever see these pages I would not think of doing it. Upon the whole I do not think I will yet for
indirect I do not know how to express it, but I may say that I have acquired a strange power of attracting the gaze of any
one at my pleasure, especially in church. Tomorrow is my birthday. I shall be fifteen, very aged indeed. How well I
remember Laura Manner's Birthday that Jenny used to recall so much. Darling Jenny, shall I ever see her? and if I do
will she still love me? Alas, if I am bereaved of my sister, then I am bereaved. I am so miserable, and I show it in my
countenance and so look more homely than ever if that were possible. And my nose is so tremendous and is still
increasing in size. If I act in this disagreable manner they will soon get tired of me and send me home and were it not
for the disgrace of it, that would be the best thing I could possibly have happen. F. began to take me to account in her
disagreeable way, that is to talk "good" to me & try to convert me but she soon tired of that.


Dec. 1. I did not come up tonight until after ten!!!! Really I have improved vastly for formerly I was out as soon as
ever the clock struck nine. It seems as if it never would stop raining. However I do not mind it for I think indeed I have
a better time at school when there are few there then when there are many. Maria is always there and Miss Benham
after recess, and today we had a new scholar, Josephine C a little motherless girl of fifteen. She was clad in deep
mouring and was ushered in by a great coarse old woman and I did pity her. I shall try to make friends with her if
possible. M. said we were to lose another of our old scholars but she would not say whom. I have a fear, a terrible fear
that it may be my darling example. My love was not well enough to come out today but she will probably be at school
tomorrow. Miss Becky Call is making my green merino dress and I have been to her closet a dozen times and it is not
finished yet. I have actually got forty-five cents in silver! I have not seen so much before for a long time. Did not
study at all in the afternoon but worked hard in the evening. I have often thought of "the eyes" today but have not seen


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them and Mary Kimbell are not at school. I have been very happy today, just because I went to school. My birthday
and not a person even kew it but myself. Now I am fifteen, as old in years as Effie, and how very, very little do I know
compared to her. I must study very hard this winter and not waste a single moment. And I must study to improve, not
merely to recite my lessons. How I wish I could recite my Section to my love. The ogre knows nothing at all about it
and yet she will persist in trying to hear us. I must work, work with all my might. I have perfect health, praise be to
God, and am as strong as a lion so the work cannot hurt me and now I need hard discipline. And I must not cultivate
one [faculty] to the exclusion of the others but try to become easily developed as far as possible. I am now nearly a
young lady and I must endeavor to improve manners for I am very deficient in that department. I wish especially to
learn to read well and I must practice untiringly by my self. I must also take particular pains with my music now that I
have such an excellent teacher.


Dec. 2. Alas! my worst fears are realized. My darling darling Effie is really going. And not only going from school but
even going from town, going to N.Y. to spend the winter! Ah! that I should be so afflicted, that my sweet should leave
me just when I love her so much. But in my heart of hearts I do not feel so very sorry as I ought. I thought I loved her
very much & I am sure I shall be very lonely without her for she is the only one of the girls that I care for. And yet I
seem to regard her departure very complacently, can it be that I think I shall now ... the very first in the school? No I
cannot accuse myself of so base a thought. May she be very happy. My first love was at school at last. She had a very
bad cough, but she smiled as sweetly & looked so pretty and I loved her so much. But I am never demonstrative and
she, why should she care for me!! I have written all this without saying anything and I am going to limit myself to one
page a night, for I get so very cold before I get to bed.


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Dec. 9, Wednesday There are many contradictory reports concerning Effie. Some say that she has gone to live and
others that she has only gone to make a visit. Yesterday I studied some in the afternoon, then from five to eleven except
while eating tea and this morning from six to seven in bed, making in all thirteen hours with this morning at school, and
yet I did not have very good lessons. I felt very happy this morning because I had worked so hard and I always enjoy
the school time so much but when I come home I am always so miserable. I wish Miss [F.] would have an afternoon
session. My love was very sweet, as usual, and I love her very much. Mr. Meinerth came this afternoon and I had a
remarkably good lesson for me and he was very agreeable and I not so foolish as usual. F. came in and spoilt all the
fun. Que je la meprise! que je la hais. I long for the Sunday for Mr. G. will preach and perhaps I shall see the eyes. I
have not yet had an opportunity to speak to Mary [K.] on the subject.


Thursday Dec. 4. Il a fait tres froid ce matin et quand j'etais venu a le'ecole, Madame, n'a pas fait le feu. J'... grand
besoin de donner a ma chere un bouqet des chrysanums mais je craignais d'en voler et je n'osais en demander a ma tante.
Had very good lessons and studied with a relish but the ogress was rather what you call cross. Emma T. goes to Mrs.
Medbury and were it not for Miss Sarah I should prefer going there also. I walked home with Mary [H.] and she said
the eyes belonged to a Mr. M. a classmate of her brothers. He has an office at the navy-yard and being a member of the
church, George asked him to sit in their pew, so he will probably be there again. Alice Brooks was at church last
Sunday and now she is dead. I knew her only by sight, bit I have always been deeply interested in her, she had such
splendid eyes and paid such earnest attention to Mr. G. How true it is that in the midst of life we are in death. I too


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may be taken at any moment, as suddenly as she and how unprepared should I be! Oh, why have I not given my
naughty heart to this good Sheperd who loveth us all. Sadie had a party this evening and not invited me nor Jessie, but
she has all the other girls.

Friday, 5th. Tonight I have been to the prayer-meeting with Ruth. Mr. G. was not there but some of the others were
very interesting. I was particularly pleased with Mr. Stephen, the Sunday School Superintendant, he appeared so
earnest. Alice Brooks had been indulging a hope two years ago but she had never had sufficient courage to come out.
The day before her death her father asked her if she loved the Savior and she said "yes" distinctly, "he was precious to
her." So they send her to heaven. Only one more day and the longed for Sunday will come and I shall see so many I
like. It is raining now but I am in hopes it will clear by tomorrow for I want to go and see Mary Kimball. I have a
double interest in wishing to know her. I heard her recite today and I think she will become one of my loves, but I shall
be able to patronize her.


Saturday, Dec. 6. The beautiful fleecy snow has come again. The rain of last evening changed to snow and in the
morning the trees and shrubs were all loaded with their sparkling winter robes. The deep red berries of the fire bush
peeping from beneath their dazzling caps were particularly beautiful. I went out in the afternoon and was very happy
with only looking at the snow and I longed to have a sled and someone to play with. I have practised bravely today but
that is all. I do not like nearly so much when I do not go to school and I hardly accomplish anything. I do not always
get down to prayers in the morning and that is a great crime in grandma's eyes. The fact is I get very sick of her reciting
the same prayers year after year and nearly the same every morning. So she is very much displeased with me though of
course she says nothing directly, but she cannot dislike me more than I do the whole of them. I have one comfort & that
is that I shall never come here again.


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Thursday, 11. It is so very cold that I cannot afford to write in my journal but get into bed as soon as possible and then
read or study. I have really worked very hard studying. Was the first at school but did not have particularly good
lessons. We recited To my love in Section and I was so glad I could hardly contain my joy. Immediately after dinner I
practised an hour and then went to work at my composition. We had to choose our own subject which I do not like at
all. Mine was Difficulty. I was three hours and a half writing it but it was not very good though I devoted to it much
pains but the worst is that I took some from a book. Have studied hard until ten and soon I must continue my lessons in
bed until eleven at least. Last Sunday that I had anticipated so eagerly passed a failure. Mr. Gage did not preach and
the eyes were not there. Mr. G. has received his appointment as paymaster in the navy, so I shall never hear him again.


Monday, Dec. 15. I do not seem to care much about writing in my journal now. I get so cold when I do. Thursday I
wrote a composition on Difficulty but I was not satisfied with it and so I wrote it over again on Saturday, but by some
mistake I did not carry it in so tonight I have written A Fairy Tale which I like pretty well. I have commenced to study
Greek but I don't suppose I shall make much progress in it. Geometry I commence tomorrow and I think I shall like it
very much. The eyes were at church yesterday in the afternoon but they are no longer my eyes, and I do not like them.

I cannot conceive why father does not write to me. It is full three weeks since I wrote last asking for money. I am now
in debt to [F.] upward of twenty dollars and if he doesn't send me some money soon I don't know what I shall do.
Practiced an hour and received a call from Sadie who was very pleasant.


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Wednesday, Dec. 31. The old year is going, going. In two short hours we shall be in the year of our Lord, 1863. How
little have I accomplished these twelve months to which I must now bid farewell forever! I verily believe I have grown
worse instead of better and I should hang my head in very shame at the little improvement I have made in worldly
matters even. I am now in my sixteenth year and my time for study is fast passing away. How can I so culpably neglect
all my duties. O! may the coming year see me trying with might and main to do the things I ought and especially may I
learn to do the will of the Father. It is not certain that I shall ever look upon the light of another year, then how should I
prize the swift moments as they fly. The wisest men have compared life to a breath, a vapor that appeareth for a little
time and then vanisheth away. Oh! let me not utterly waste this life so short but let me be up and doing that I may give
some


good account at last. We know not what a day may bring forth, but they whose ways are in the hands of the Lord have
nothing to fear.

January 1st 1863.
Thursday. The New Year came in bright and beautiful. The day could not have been more perfect, the thermometer
stood at fifty at noon, no snow on the ground and the sun shining brilliantly. For presents I received a ring, a thimble,
and a collar and cuffs, but I had much more pleasure in giving my mite than in receiving. I have read and thought much
of the great love of Jesus for poor sinful men. Like the rays of the sun, which fall with no less power on me because
they give light and heat to millions of others, so is the love of our Lord. And he has commanded us to love one another
if we would follow him. All this day I have tried to love all with whom I have


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come in contact, and I think I have succeeded somewhat better than usual. I have been much more respectful towards
my teacher and a little more complaisant to those at home and I have been very happy all the day. I may say with
Burns, "Wad that some power the gift wad give us, to see oursels as ithers see us."* I have studied faithfully today and
if this is the forerunner of the year, I think it will not be wholly void of improvement. This afternoon I went with F. to
visit a poor woman, Mrs. Cuntts. She is very funny specimen of humanity and should much like to go again. Miss
Rand, with whom she board[s] has a school of seventeen little children between the ages of four and twelve. She seems
to be a very nice girl and her scholars appear to love her very much. How I wish I could do some good in the world.
Sadie and I have talked of visiting the poor but I hardly imagine we shall ever do it.

*O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us / To see oursels as ithers see us! Robert Burns, poem "To a Louse", ver. 8.


Friday, Jan. 2. "Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher, all is vanity." I have been to a party at Sadie's. All the elite of the
city were there and I felt somewhat like a fish out of water. There have been four great parties now in direct succession-
to the others I have not been invited and I am very sorry I went to this. I was dressed richly to say the least, and before
I went I thought I looked well, but I was not introduced to a single gentleman, did not dance at all, and came away at
half past ten. Some of the girls looked very pretty and all seemed to be enjoying themselves, yet I would not care to
change places with them. Went skating for an hour this afternoon and who should I see but my own "love". she had the
grace to say a few words to me but E. Stacy was there and she of course completely [monopolized] her. The bells have
been ringing joyously for today the glorious emancipation proclamation goes into effect.


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Saturday, 3. I have a picture in my minds's eye of three young girls seated around a plain deal table on which are
Algebra, French and Latin textbooks which engage their complete attention. By the fire sits the mother and younger
children knitting. Presently there is a knock at the door and the minister and teacher enter. The party converse on
various subjects, especially books and literature and the students are helped over the hard places by the elders, and
encouraged to renewed labor by the recital of their early difficulties. Mutually benefitted, they separate at a late hour.
Tell me, ye vain seekers of pleasure, is there not more pure enjoyment in this honest toil than in all your boasted
happiness. Labor is heaven's choicest gift to man and the satisfaction that arises from a sense of "something
accomplished, something done" is the sweetest of rewards. Behold another picture: One of those girls, older now and
alone, is in a small room of a handsome house.


The pile of books at her side show that the "midnight oil" has not been wasted in vain. As the hands of the watch near
the hour of twelve, the last lesson is thrown aside, and ... a timeworn journal she hastily records a few of the experiences
& thoughts of the day and hour, and then that "sweet story of old" enchains her attention and fills her with new strength
and love. So She seeks her pillow, and do you not believe her dreams are sweet? Shall we go farther? Shall we follow
the celebrated authoress into the social circle where she is beloved and honored by the most gifted? Or is she one whom
"unmerciful disaster follows fast and follows faster" until one more unfortunate, weary of breath, rash importunate, goes
to her death? Be is as it may, these sweet days of youth and hope, when once they are gone, will return "nevermore".
[Let] us then be up and doing with a heart for any fate, still achieving still pursuing, learn to labor & to wait.*

*Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


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Sunday, Jan. 4. I have listened today to a distinguished Connecticutt divine, the Rev. Dr. Hooker. It takes the good old
state of the blue laws to produce fine preachers. To be sure he was horribly dull, but then it was sound doctrine. I
understand Mr. G. will preach again before he leaves and I shall be delighted to have him. I have been reading a very
nice book from the Club, "Spare Hours" by John Brown, M.D. The exquisite pathos of Rab and his Friends I have
seldom seen surpassed, "puis Aillie" goes to the heart and will retain her place with Mrs. Stowe's Eva* or any other
creature of fiction. How I love these bonnie, bold, warm-hearted Scotch writers, from Burns to Boyd and Brown. My
poor brother Harry has met with a sad accident. He was playing in a neighbor's barn and fell from a height of fifteen
feet and has broken his arm. It is a merciful providence that he was not killed, but as it is he will suffer great pain &
perhaps the arm will never be all right.

*Character in Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe


Monday, Jan. 5. I must learn to get up earlier. The hands of my watch pointed to seven before I commenced
operations, and I have so very much to do during the day that I cannot afford in future to waste so much time. I am
resolved that hereafter I shall arise at six o clock at least and as much earlier as circumstances will permit. Then half an
hour at least I must devote to religious exercises. I was late at school this morning but this must not continue and
neither must I ever be absent. I must give all my attention in school hours to the lessons and endeavor to improve my
time, and especially I must have perfect lessons. After dinner I must practise full an hour, then I may either go out or
spend some time in studying, sewing or writing but I must try to take a walk every day if possible. In the evening I must
study faithfully.

H. has gone to N.Y. so F. sends me to bed before ten, but I suppose I am at liberty to remain up as long as I please here
and I shall never close my eyes

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until eleven, except perhaps Saturday and Sunday nights. I must always read the Bible before going to sleep and also
write in my journal and record how I have kept these resolutions. Probably they will often be broken from unavoidable
circumstances but as far as I can I mean to abide by them. I am sensible that I can do nothing without the aid of the
Father and I pray he will help me to do the right and to overcome all difficulty-


We are having glorious weather. It seems almost as warm as summer and the roads are almost dusty. I have had very
good lessons today but there are so many things I ought to have done and did not do and so many more I did that I ought
not to have done. I must try to get up early enough in the morning to write to [poor] Harry. How he must suffer and
how irksome must the confinement be to him but he has probably good nursing and I am in hopes he will soon get over
it.


Tuesday, Jan. 6. Arose at quarter before six and wrote a letter to Harry before breakfast. I should have been late at
school but Miss Tompson was not able to come out on account of a very bad cold. My own love came at nine and heard
some of the lessons. How I wish she was my teacher all the time instead of the cross old ogre. My Latin was not very
perfect but the other lessons did very well. We sit so near each other in French that I could easily put my head on her
shoulder, but still I am so bashful. What shall I do when the time comes that we must part, I do love her so very much.
I think I shall write to her when I go home. I have kept my resolutions pretty well in most things but I still may
improve. I have written & copied a composition on Samuel, but I must get up in the morning & write another on The
Old Year. I find any eyes do not feel as strong as they used and I must be more careful of them. I have felt nearly
happy today, but I have not loved enough. I am afraid I am very selfish.


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Wednesday, 7. Last night I wrote my composition until half past eleven so did not wake up until half past six, then
copied part of it. When I wrote it I thought it was very fine but now I despise it. I was early at school and had
particularly good lessons. Miss T. came out though she had a very bad cold, for she never neglects her duty if she can
help it. My love was excessively loved and a little loving. I have been at the paino nearly all the afternoon but did not
have a very good lesson for Mr. M. and I was so very stupid in picking out the new, I don't wonder he gets discouraged.
My feelings are fluctuating, sometimes I find myself at the loftiest heights of courage and hope and the next moment I
am deep in the valley of humiliation. Ainsi va la monde. I sent in my orders to Jack Frost this morning, and tonight, on
entering my room, I find the window with the most magnificent curtains imaginable, of darling brightness and purest
brilliancy.


Thursday, Jan. 8. It is all very well to resolve to get up early at night or even warm mornings but when it is freezing
cold it is quite a different thing. I had nothing in particular to call me up so I enjoyed the nice warm bed. I do not know
when I have had worse lessons than today, although I studied very hard last night, I cannot comprehend it exactly, but
on some days I seem to be able to recite much better than on others. Probably it is owing to physical causes. Alice Ball
and Miss Britain called on me this afternoon. The former has improved wonderfully in manners since I last knew her,
now she is very genteel.
I felt rather boorish at first but behaved pretty well on the whole. I have been reading that splendid book, Spare Hours.
How I wish I lived among educated people, who appreciate the value of books and study. I find there is nothing like
intellectual labor to polish one, even Susie P. becomes agreeable when she has been studying hard and successfully.


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Friday, 9. Cold weather has now really come in earnest. These bright clear brilliant days are much preferable to the
murky warmness we have been having. Ogre was passably pleasant and my lovely love was never more lovingly loved
by love-lorn, loveless maid, but for her, she was rather sarcastic, we do not have lessons well enough to suit her.
Geometry is very interesting and I am getting on very well in it. The ogre's knowledge of the Latin language is
inconceivably minute and we become more and more sensible of it every day. If she only would have us recite to Miss
Sarah (how strange it seems to write that name) I should be content. I practised about two hours, mostly on old pieces.
The piano was tuned yesterday and it is quite a pleasure to play on it now. Immediately when I had finished practising I
went out and staid until nearly six. Went with F. to see a poor woman, Mrs. Hagen, who has a little girl with the reddest
hair imaginable. This evening I have been reading "Rab and his Friends" to F. I must confess I am a very bad reader &
she did not seem much interested.


Saturday, Jan. 10. Alas for the pride of the human heart. The more one searches down into that deep, the better does
pride conceal itself, and is even proud of that vast capacity and its own wisdom in exploring it. Each thinketh himself
entirely different from his neighbor and loveth to take to himself praises for all his weakness. Truly the heart of man is
desperately wicked, and who can number all his iniquities? The angels look down on the weak and the mighty, and pity
the perpetual striving of earth. The rain beateth bitterly against the window, and never seemeth to grow weary of
complaining, while in the distance the wind moaneth without ceasing, caring nothing for pain it [hapely] bringeth. God
be with our dear soldiers in the battle thinking now perhaps of the loved ones they leave at home, loved ones many ne'er
shall see again. O comfort [Thou] their hearts; be their kind Shepherd, lead them into Thee from all their pain. Tis
better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.


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Monday, 12. Last night was the first time this year I have failed to write a few words at least, but never mind the
excuses; rest assured they were all sufficient. I had a great inclination this morning not to go to school but I conquered
the idle thought and trudged off; and I was well paid for the exertion in feeling that I had done my duty. Miss G. was
particularly trying but we managed to survive her cruelty, though we made all manner of fun of her. The room she
keeps very cold, the greater part part of the time we are obliged to keep our cloaks on and then it is so cold we cannot
write. I have been studying Greek somewhat and I am determined to persevere in it, why cannot I be my own teacher at
least in the beginning? "What man has done man may do" and certainly many young ladies have made themselves
mistresses of Greek at a much earlier age than mine, so why with patience may not I? I have practised & studied
faithfully and feel rather tired for I have had no walk. I have no idea of sitting up until eleven, but only of getting to bed
as soon as possible after ten.


Tuesday, Jan. 13. My sweetest love was very gracious today, she gave me a smile I think I shall never forget; but the
poor child is not well at all. She looks miserably, and I am so sorry for her. Elle m'est tres chere, mais elle ne m'aime
point. Il y a deux jours qu'il a fait tres beau en veritie. Il me semble que nous n'allons pas avoir d'hiver cette annee.
Tant mieux. There is splendid skating now but I have not been able to improve it yet and tomorrow I must take my
music lesson. Alas for the blunders I shall make! This afternoon I called on Sadie & made a perfect fool of myself, also
on Maria Ladd and with the same result. S. has not treated me very well lately and I am not particularly anxious to be
intimate with her, and I dare say she reciprocates the disposition. It seems to me I would give any thing for permission
to sleep for once as long as I please, but it is impossible. Tomorrow I must get up and practise, or Mr. M. will bid
farewell to all patience.


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Wednesday, 14. I was surprised to find the ground covered with snow this morning for last night there was no
appearance of a storm. I was early at school and though we had but few scholars I enjoyed the exercises greatly and
recited bravely. My love said she was very glad to see the snow and so of course I was very glad too. "O I'm wat, wat,
O I'm wat and weary. Sleep I can get none, thinkin' o' my dearie."* I recited The Cumberland, I think it very beautiful
and I believe I love poetry very much, especially this that I associate with my dear mother. O, if I could but be a true
poet, could but make the world somewhat better by my writings, and could but have some fame awarded me! [Susie]
Penhallow is a cousin to James Russell Lowell, the first poet of America and I almost envy her the acquaintance she
may have. O the pain, the bliss of longing! Let my life be spent in searching for the truth, let me learn to appreciate the
good, the true, the beautiful in art and in nature.

*An essay by John Brown


Thursday Jan 15. L'amour n'a-t-il qu'un langage? Elle et moi nous nous somme parlees des yeux, et elle m'a fait
l'aimer. I think Miss Benham will soon be on the list of tres aimee. Maintenant que ma chere exemple est partie, je ne
parle plus de lui, est-ce que je l'ai oublie? Esperons que non avec beaucoup d'empressement, car ce serait trop
detestable (applied only to moral wrong, Etc....) d'en penser. Aujourd'hui [Martha] Salter a apporte un Atlantic Monthly
a l'ecole et j'ai ete le bonheur d'en lire quelque chose, au neglect de mes autres etudes. Une historie ... pour titre "One of
my ..." m'a interesse beaucoup, l'etait concernant un homme qui pourrait lire les characteres par l'ecrivant, et aussi par le
physiognomy, qui pourrait donner toute leur ... seulement par regardant un mot qu'ils [auraient] ecrit. Mirabili dictu!*
Tous les jour j'apercous plus mon insignificance, comment ai-je ose penser que j'avait de genius, que j'etait au dessous
de la mediocrite? Ah! mon orgueil est inepuisable.

*Latin: wonderful to tell


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Friday, Jan 16. Je m'a leve a sept heures, assez de bonne heure pour moi, maintenant. But how culpable it is for me to
waste so much precious time in idle sleep, henceforth I really must get up at six, bongre, malgre. J'aime presque ma
tante F, elle m'a dit qu'elle ecrivait dans un journal autrefois, (elle ne sait pas ce que je fait) et elle pense que c'est tres
bonne habitude pour s'improvir. "Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man who judged another" says the Good Book, then
how very wicked have I been! I must try to overcome my [indomitable] pride but I can do nothing of myself I know,
only the Father can subdue my wicked heart. O would I were a Christian! I have recited very good lessons and
immediately after dinner I commenced to practise and continued an hour and a half, then read "Spare Hours" as long as I
could see and also in the evening. About dusk I dressed myself, opened my window and enjoyed the gentle, refreshing
breeze for nearly an hour. It had been raining and the wind drove the fitful, sullen clouds with great rapidity along the
sky.


Sunday, Jan. 18. Today Mr. Gage preached, at least in the afternoon, but it seems like all day, he was so interesting.
The text was "Jesus wept," the shortest & yet the longest verse in the Bible. He showed that that one act has forever
redeemed tears from the contempt we might attach to them, calling them weak and womanish and pusillanimous; now
that our Lord has wept they have an eternal dignity. It is a most solemn sight to see a strong man weep, but Jesus was
the strength of the strong. Also, it is not wrong to open the floodgates of the soul and let the gushing tears relieve our
agony, but much better than to chrush our sorrow down and never give it vent. Sorrow is common property in this sad
vale of tears and if one does not weep today he will tomorrow. Then, the tears of Christ reveal the character of the
Father, show that he is not the emotionless, impassable God of the heathens, but a living loving, sympathizing being
who feels for the sorrow of men. If Jesus had not wept we might have looked upon him as perfect and righteous but we
could not have loved him so much as we do now that he has shared


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the tears of men. It has been said that the life alone of the Christ, the Lord of heaven and earth submitting to such
humiliation and indignity, was sufficient to compensate for all the sins of mortals but God also gave his death to
convince our [child] understanding of his incomprehensible love. Jesus also was made perfect through suffering, even
he had to learn sorrow by experience in order to teach men the all-healing power of the atonement. But oh, I cannot say
any thing as he said it, he was so earnest so impassioned and yet so calm & composed. I never listened so attentively to
sermon before and I think I never heard so fine a one, every sentence so perfectly expressed and betraying everywhere
such deep knowledge of the philosophers off antiquity, as well as of all the needs of the human heart. The "eyes" were
at church and many other interesting "subjects" but I hardly looked at them. The next Sunday will be the last of our
beloved pastor's ministrations, among this people, he is then going to Newmarket I think it is and perhaps into the
service of his country. I think his prayers are peculiarly beautiful, so earnest, so


"prayerfull" as if he really wanted what he asked and [withal] so trustfull of the goodness & justice of the good God and
of His ability and will to bring all the troubles of our country out right in the end. The singing was very fine and I
enjoyed all the services exceedingly. This evening the old Dr. Folsom called to the great disturbance of the [usual] quiet
contest. I like him pretty well on most subjects, especially did he discourse very learnedly of the human eye, but the
way they used up poor Mr.Gage was really shocking to such a firm advocate of him as myself. The subjects of
complaint are not at all interesting to me so I shall not enumerate them, but the most serious seems to be that he did not
resign when he first came back last May, or rather when he was taken sick about a year previous. How very thankfull I
am that he did not!!! There is to be a convention this week, part of the business of which will be to consider his
resignation, and undoubtedly it will be [exception]. We are to have two of the ministers here [bid] luck to them.


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Alas for the sacrifices made to our country! My friend Henry P. is dead, dead. What else could I have expected, when
so few return? but somehow I never seemed to think but that he would come back again; how glad I am I have his
photograph even though not given by himself. His poor mother must feel his loss sadly indeed for he was chief support,
and how many mothers throughout the length and breadth of our land who are mourning for the lost ones! O it is very
hard to think that this cruel war is for the best and that a merciful Father appoints all these present trials in mercy and for
the ultimate good of the nation, but it is our duty to believe he does it all in love, chastening his people for their
manifold transgressions, but not in hopeless anger. Oh may he protect us and bring us safely through this great trouble
and pour his balm of Gilead into all mourning hearts! Now indeed may we say "Breathes there a man with soul so dead,
who never to himself hath said, 'This is my own, my native land,* and who has not heartily given his all to that beloved
land.'"

*Sir Walter Scott, from "The Lay of the Last Minstrel"


Monday, Jan 19. Today Mr. Gage called! By good fortune I happened to go to the door, and I wonder if my
countenance betrayed my joy at seeing him. I rather think not for of course I acted like a fool. I did not go into see him
but staid in the the next room and heard most of the conversation. F. invited him to dine tomorrow but naughty man, he
was "previously engaged," as I might have expected. His voice sounded so sweet but naturally the converse was not
very edifying as no one saw him but F! It is Newburyport that he going to, only to stay a short time. He is now engaged
in writing a book, I did not exactly understand the title but it is based upon some of his favorite German authors. How I
should like to read it! His voice reminds me of "linked sweetness long drawn out,"* I declare I almost envy his wife and
and he speaks so lovingly of her. I fear I have never appreciated him thoroughly before, they say we never know our
treasures until about to lose them.

*John Milton, "L'Allegro"


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I have received a letter from Juliet who with Grandma is now in Cambridgeport. She says Jenny is very pretty both in
looks and in manners for which I am unequivocably and exceedingly glad. Would that my mother might see her! The
new mamma is very good and kind, could not be better, as they say, and I am very glad that my father was so wise.
Aunt gave me some additional particulars of the death of my soldier. Not in the brave battle did he lose his life but from
the worse enemy, sickness, a severe cold I think. [Sophie] writes that he was greatly beloved by all his regiment and no
one will be regretted more in our own village where he was always a shining light. Father wrote me last Saturday, he is
now in W. to be gone about a week. H. has nearly recovered the use of his arm and the others are well. The ancients
used never to let soft slumber steal away their senses before thrice reviewing the events of the day, what that hath
learned that was worth knowing, what good they had done and how far they had progressed in the path of culture. Go
thou and do likewise Christine----



Tuesday, Jan. 20. I do not think mon amour was particularly interesting today, but the kindness of the ogre made up for
all deficiency in her. Miss G. gave us a very fine lecture (with some compliments for me) on the sinful frittering away
of time so prevalent in our school. At dinner we had the ministers, Mr. Miles & Mr. Sawyer. I like both very well, both
have fine eyes, especially the latter. In the evening I went with F. to hear the serman by Mr. Miles, totally disregarding
all claims of lessons. He was rather interesting, on the whole I felt paid for going out. I had the felicity to hand a hymn
book to Mr. Gage and receive it again. He did not speak but it was a pleasure even to look at his countenance. It is
eleven o'clock now and in the morning I must get up very early and finish my composition on Hospitality besides
looking over the lessons a little so I must write quickly and get to bed as soon as possible. Ella Kennedy came back to
school today. She is quite pretty but rather silly & nothing of a scholar. Alas for the insufferable pride & conceit of my
wicked heart!


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Wednesday, 21. I have been studying Greek for the last half hour and am really beginning to see into it a little. O if I
could only know every thing! but I know indeed nothing yet, let me not waste any more of this precious time but try my
best to be a little more than an ignoramus or a nonentity. Took my music lesson and Mr. M. was very pleased. I do not
see how the girls can call him quick & irritable for I find him wonderfully patient with my stupidity. He had just come
from Miss Benham and did not seem to think very highly of her proficiency in music. I am still harping or perhaps I
should say pianoing on La Fille du Regiment* but I expect to finish it by the next lesson. I really ought to have written
home before this but I will try to make up for all neglect on that score tomorrow. Alas for my resolutions of early
rising! My eyes did not think fit to open before half past seven but the composition did not suffer as I had time enough
in school. Miss S. does not affect to understand the regulating of her stove very well for sometimes the temperature is at
freezing point & sometimes at nearly boiling or roasting--


*Opera by Donizetti


Thursday, Jan. 22. It is inconceivable to me why mon amour should hate me as she does. We recited Latin to her today
and but for one last effort of mine which met with partial success, I should be in perfect despair. It is not possible is it
that I should ever forget her! Miss G. has really given us up for good now, she has found that our young heads went
ahead faster than she could keep up, so she had to resign us to the care of her amiable sister. We will have to study
much harder now for she does not accept lessons half prepared. Some one is so very "capax, sagax et perspieux" that I
love her with all my heart.

Today I procured an Atlantic Monthly but have not yet had time to read much of it on account of the old lessons. Mrs.
Stowe's Reply to the address of the women of England entreating their sisters in America to do all in their power to
exterminate Slavery, first attracted my attention. Like all the writings emanating from her graceful pen, it was replete
with genius & esprit, and must do much to correct the sentiments of the English toward our much-abused country.


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Friday, Jan. 23. Love--what is it? How very strange is it. Shall I ever know it, learn it? Does every one at sometime
know the meaning of the [cabalistic] word, or is the bliss, the pain of loving known only to the favored few? I am a
woman or will be one, ergo I must love, but when, where, how? I almost wish I were old and all of life were nearly
gone. I feel I shall be weak in the great struggle. What is the World, and where? Will no one satisfy my longing? Ah!
experience alone can teach me the things of life & the things of eternity. Would this hateful childhood were past and I
might enter on the great work. But everything in the Lord's good time. He knoweth best and doubtless I shall sometime
reach womanhood if the breath of life is continued to me. O may I be pure, gentle, loving, accustomed to looking into
the eternities, and able to train some soul to heaven. If only I knew the truth as it is in Jesus, if only I had the living
Christ in my heart and knew and loved Him really. O why, why did my mother leave me all alone. If she had but staied
to lead me over the rough places, to love me. The tears come & blind my eyes.


Saturday, Jan. 24. This morning I wrote a letter to Harry, perhaps the best I have ever written both in penmanship and
composition. How vain and silly for me to record the trifling events of every day, just as though I should ever care
whether I studied, read or practised first on such a day if [in] such a year. Only if I try to make it an improving exercise
(in the path of virtue I mean) can it be beneficial. Only by making the memory of each day better than the preceeding
can it be excusable. But alas! I have not yet taken the first step toward the perfect end, the giving of myself wholly to
the Christ. Just as I am - without one plea, ... that my Savior died for me. Dear Lord to Thee I come. Is it not
astonishing that I have not looked to Jesus, the author & finisher of our faith; that my cold wayward wicked heart is still
struggling with the darkness all the night instead of running into the light & safety of His Countenance. O the helpless
hopeless pride of woman's heart. But no not helpless for there is always help in the Comforter if he is sought.
Tomorrow Mr. Gage preaches his farewell sermon. What would induce me to stay at home?


Sunday, 25. I am now delightfully ensconced in my easy chair in my closet at eight o'clock with the prospect of a
charming evening if my eyes do not fail me. I have plenty of books of all kinds, writing materials & everything to make
the time pass agreeably. For once I have plenty of time for indulging in my favorite Journal. The subject of my
discourse is of course the farewell address of our pastor. It is very probably that I shall never look upon his coutenance
again, (though he may sometime exchange). This thought impressed me deeply and made me more attentive than usual
if that were possible. I shall write his text entire--Acts XX,18-21. "And when they were come to him, he said unto
them, Ye know, from the first day that I came into Asia, after what manner I have been with you at all seasons, Serving
the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations, which befell me by the lying in wait of the
Jews. And how I kept back nothing that was profitable unto you, but have showed you, and have taught you publicly,
and from house to house, Testifying both to the Jews & also to the Greeks, repentance toward God, and faith toward our
Lord Jesus Christ."---I have stopped awhile to read over old


letters--a very entertaining exercise. I now resume. Mr. Gage commenced by saying that it would be folly for any
minister of our days to pretend to take to himself the words of the apostle, especially for one so consciously unworthy as
he was. In Paul there was nothing of arrogance but on the contrary the deepest humility in appropriating to himself the
praise so justly his due. He said he should not attempt to be personal but only endeavor to set before the people his own
ideal of the Christian minister. First his heart must [be] wholly santified. Without that, all charm of manner or voice or
any thing else were as nothing, he must bring a heart wholly subdued to the will of God & the Spirit. Certainly Mr.
Gage cannot be found at fault in this respect for if anyone has been in earnest it is he. Next, this model preacher must be
of wide and liberal culture. It is not enough for him to be thoroughly conversant with the technicalities of his own faith,
but he must also have general knowledge and be able to reach the philosopher as well as the fisherman, the scholar as
well as the farmer or the tractorman. Next in order, and in direct continuity of thought comes the sermon writing.
However much he may here to attest to other things, his study, his reciting & in fact all his


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work, must tend directly to the sermons. These should always be most carefully written, put as much care & time
bestowed upon them as if they were for the press, and never extemporaneous. In writing letters as newspaper articles he
may wield the running pen but in his sermons [way] they must be studied & finished, even at the risk of appearing stiff
& labored. For if once he begins to slacken, his course will ever be backward. They must be [forcible], concise, clear,
distinct, but above all, intensely simple. So simple that anyone can understand & yet containing so much that all may be
interested. ..., sharp, critical, each sentence a telling sentence & condensing two or three in one. Then he must have a
constitutional disinclination to extremes. Sound without being bigoted, liberal without being too fast, able to keep an
even course between the conservative and the radical. The man who has this faculty has a great deal to be thankful for,
& he himself possessed it in a high degree. Therefore he had hoped to be able to suit the many tasks of this North
[Parish] but he had been disappointed. A preacher must not be continually preaching of the


country, however patriotic he may be, but neither is it right never to speak of our beloved and stricken land in prayer or
sermon. But when the hearts of the people are sad & despairing it is his duty to go before them & show them the silver
linings of the dark cloud.---Another important thing, the minister must be a perfect gentleman. This does not consist
merely or chiefly in being able to bow well or wear kid gloves well, or walk well, or appear well at the [hospital] able
...,--manner is not the essence but only the flowering. He must be truly courteous, gentle, kind, sympathizing, as ready
to visit the hovel of the poor as the mansion of the rich and not easy to take offence. His language to his heart is, I care
not for the insults of those whot are not gentlemen, and no true gentleman will insult me. The highest praise that can be
awarded a man is the name of a [christian] gentleman, and in all truth & sincerity & justice can that name be given to
him in my humble opinion. But after all, the chief duty of the minister is to teach repentance toward God & faith in the
Lord Jesus, to make every thing else converge to that one point, to know nothing ... [without] Jesus Christ & him
crucified. This


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is the ideal he has ever had before his eyes but he is thoroughly conscious that he has fallen far below his standard. He
came to this parish something more than two years ago in all the freshness of youth, ful [of] vigor & earnest purpose.
His whole strength has been spent in the service of the Lord & now he departs a sadder but perhaps a wiser man. Those
who came there today expecting to hear him hurl denunciations against those in the church who might be [inimical] to
him would be disappointed. At parting he had nothing but kind [ideas] to offer. To that pulpit [so] long his peculiar
Love he bid a sad farewell; to that beautiful church, the scene of his current endeavors to lead the people aright, he bid a
sad farewell; to the church & the congregation he bid a sorrowful farewell and should ever remember with deep
[gratitude] the many kindnesses he had received, especially during his sickness. He had reason to believe that he had
many friends there. And for the wellfare [sic] & prosperity of the church he offered his sincere prayers. So I have
attempted to give the [heart] of his discourse, to aid my future memory. Here is nothing of the living words, the sweet
[imagery],


the apt illustration, and particularly the earnestness as well as the grace of manner & charm of voice for which he is
celebrated; but I could not refuse this slight testimonial of my deep regard to one whom I shall ever remember with
heartfelt gratitude for his blessed ministrations, and with sweet recollections of his evident friendhship during the last
few weeks (at least if eyes have language). I noticed no one moved to tears for that was not his purpose, only my own
eyes became suffused once or twice though I tried hard to control myself. The house was more crowded than I have
ever seen it before--it was a long time before we, being near the pulpit, could get out. His discourse seems to have
produced something of an effect upon this family, at least they are not quite so bitter as they have been though much of
it did not exactly suit. There is one thing I forgot to mention, he said there was a strange fascination about the
mininsterial office, when one had once engaged in it, it was hard to give it up & take some other employment; it must
be indeed a strange fascination if it can overcome the hatred he might naturally feel at [leaving] a place where he has
been [extracted] so spitefully.


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Tuesday, Jan 27. After writing all that unpardonable nonsense I may well be excused for neglecting one day. I did not
retire until half past one that night but that is not the ultimatum of my ambitious designs for some future time. Nous
verrons. The day commenced with snow, shortly turning into rain and making very bad walking but of course I could
not stay from school especially as it was French day. I have not yet been absent this year & do not intend to be if I can
help it. Mon amour was somewhat agreeable but appeared rather preoccupied. It is so pleasant to recite the Latin to one
who knows something about it--she is so interesting & infallible, even sarcastic to those who know not their lessons, and
sometimes I am of that class, but she is a little partial to me I think. I have been reading Childe Harold(1) and find it
very fascinating but I cannot get much time to enjoy it. This evening The Autocrat(2) was on the table and I could not
resist the temptation to look into it, and could hardly lay it down at ten, though it is so familiar to me that I think I could
repeat much even of the prose. Tomorrow I recite The One Hoss Shay(3). How many sweet memories does it recall of
the dear ones.

(1)Childe Harold's Pilgrimage by Lord Byron

(2)The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table by Oliver Wendall Holmes
(3)The Deacon's Masterpiece; or The Wonderful "One-Hoss Shay" by Oliver Wendall Holmes

Wednesday, Jan 28. Oh! ever loving, lovely and beloved, how dear thou art to me! Thou art the most beautiful of
mortals, and the foolish worshippers of Venus of the olden time should look upon thee to learn true beauty. The deeps
of thy soul lie fathoms below the bright surface that sparkles in thy brilliant eye, but one may get some intimation of thy
sweet thought by those dazzling orbs. Thy teeth of purly [sic] whiteness peeping from their ruby covering, shame by
their lustre the most precious of diamonds. Thy coal black, wavy locks, unwillingly obedient to the stern severity of thy
modesty, seem ever ready to break their ungrateful restraint and fall in luxuriant loveliness over thy snow white neck;
but understanding that they would thus excite thy displeasure, they rest in graceful folds on thy fair brow. Thy attire
modest but so neat and becoming, seems made by fairy fingers on purpose to deck thy sweet beauty. Thy dainty foot &
ankle have never been surpassed in symetry [sic] by [dame] of China or belle of Broadway. But O! the magic charm of
thy voice! Every thing else is forgotten when once thy lips open and emit sound like the tinkling of silver bells and the
sweet-sounding lyre.


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Thursday, 29. Heaven help me! The temptation to hate is strong within & will come out on every occasion. I struggle
to subdue it but cannot always succeed. This morning the beautiful snow lay soft and thick and deep on every spot of
surface exposed to it, and the stores of the clouds were not yet exhausted. I of course had no idea of not going to school
and was astonished as well as dismayed when the cruel mandate came that I must stay at home. I tried to be patient but
it was very hard and I fear I looked rather "sour" et importe. How true is it that life is made up of trifles! Great events
happen seldom in a lifetime and to some people perhaps never, but the wear and tear of petty trials is often as hard to
bear as deeper sorrows. But no! I must not say so. These little things must not have any great effect on true souls. You
must conquer circumstances or circumstances will conquer you, as Napoleon, I think, said. Today I received the long-
promised letter from Mary. Je ne m'etonne plus qu'elle a neglige de m'ecrire. Mais c'est ce que j'aurais du attendre, et
tout dit, c'est mieux que je ne l'ai crue pouvoir faire. Ce me semble qu'elle ne me hait tout a fait, et peut-etre nous nous
aimerons un peu, si elle aime mon [enfant]. The


sent me a copy of the verses written by my cousin Theodore book on the death of my soldier, styled .... They reflect
credit on the boy - ah! [what] is that I should say man, who wrote them, perhaps he will one day be a great poet. Only I
hope he will not resemble his father in many things. O.W.H., mon beau ideal, a dit, que tous les hommes et toutes less
femmes ... s'aiment sans cesse, et pour mois, je lui obeis tres bien. Voyons, combien d'amours eu-je ete? Oh! je n'en
puis rendre compte. The monotony of the day was somewhat enlivened by my music lesson. I conducted myself with
propriety and though my lesson was not quite perfect I have reason to hope that I have risen slightly in my master's
esteem. I think I was not quite as bashfull and stupid as on some occasions, I even managed to get off several sentences
all by myself and without assistance. How stupid he must find me after coming from "the elegant Miss Bonhem," in
manners I mean, selon dit. I shall make a good performance if I practise faithfully enough, he has discovered that
mathematics is my forte but he is such a [flatterer]. How prettily Holmes says: Nullum tui negotii.


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Saturday, 31. Again we have arrived in safety at the end of the month, thanks be to God. This year has but eleven
twelths of its length remaining, a very short time if only eleven times that which is past. It seems but a few weeks at
most since the beginning of the month, but I think I have improved it pretty well as to study. Slow but sure seems to be
my maxim, certainly the first if not the second. I have written fifty five pages in my journal, much more than on any
preceding month but I cannot say that I think I have made much improvement in compressing my thoughts. And I am
still more deficient in conversation, if I should ever make an observation at the festive [board] I have no doubt the
family would be thunderstruck, but there is little danger from that source. When I am with my schoolmates it is not
quite so bad and I think there has been some improvement the past year, but still I am not wholly at my ease. There is
nothing I wish more than to be a fluent talker, but no I do not mean such a talker as F., but a real good conversationalist,
the style of Margaret Fuller would not be amiss, but I can only acquire it by


great effort and that effort I fear I shall never learn to make. We are to have no school the next two weeks, it being the
annual winter vacation. Probably before the close of another term I shall be at the dear home. I have been reading
aloud in "Compte on the Constitution of Men,"(1) doubtless it will be a very beneficial exercise as well as imparting to
me great and important knowledge. This evening I have read "The Army of the Potomac" from the French of the Prince
de Joinville. I have been very negligent not to make myself better acquainted with the affairs of my country which I
profess to love so much. This is a very usefull book, gives much knowledge of the unfortunate campaign of the
Peninsula so bravely conducted by McClellan. My former prejudices against that general are completely renounced. I
see how he was hampered and harrassed by the Government, all his plans knocked in the head and himself subjected to
such evil accusations. Perhaps the President will find himself mistaken in thinking it best to dismiss him, but time will
show. God only knows, let us trust to him.

(1)Auguste Comte, French philosopher and mathematician (1798-1857)
(2)The Army of the Potomac: its organization, its commander, and its campaign. By the prince de Joinville. Tr. from the
French, with notes, by William Henry Hurlbert.
Joinville, François-Ferdinand-Philippe-Louis-Marie d'Orléans, prince de, 1818-1900., Hurlbert, William Henry, tr.
1827-1895.
New York: A. D. F. Randolph, 1862.

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Sunday Feb. 15. I have taken vacation in my writing as well as in my school and now the two weeks are gone I resume
both. The first question is, How have these weeks of recreaton been improved? Conscience answers, Miserably,
miserably indeed. Can I never learn to be industrious, learn to conquer this indolent spirit? I had intended to pursue
steadily both Latin & Greek but I have hardly looked at either! Other lesson have been entirely banished of course. I
have practised some but not as much as I might for I fear both spirit & flesh were weak. I have made some use of my
needle and that is my only consolation. As I look back it seems but a day or two since I left my dear school and now I
am to return, gladly indeed, but without the consciousness of hours wholly improved, either morally or intellectually.
But now let me take new strength from the Father of Light and go on my way rejoicing. I am going to try to follow
Jesus, and to do his sweet will as much as I can. I am not yet at rest but if I seek him perhaps he may be found. Mr.
Southgate preached today and every one was delighted with him. He seems to be endowed with the right spirit and
almost he persuaded me to be a Christian. But it is so dark, I would I had a counsellor to lighten my doubts. If I am not
of the


elect, the predestinated, how can I be saved? I do want to love the Savior but I do not know how.

I have been reading a very pretty book from the library, and I feel encouraged to go on with my Greek even without a
tutor. Perhaps I can make some little progress in it, get over the first hard places all by myself; and they say self-made
men (& women) are more independent. I greatly fear that when I get home I shall not be able to presevere in my
studies, there will doubtless be so much to interrupt me, but still I shall try. And while I stay here I must not be slothful
in business but fervent in spirit, serving the Lord. And one day may I take my [stand] with the noble Christian women
of my country to fight for the truth. I have been thinking lately of the choice of a vocation in life & I have almost
decided on that of teacher. My dear mother thought I would not be strong enough for the confinement consequent on
that but now I am perfectly well and I feel able and willing to take the work. If I have not the talent for writing I may at
least teach to others what I myself may learn and do some good in my humble sphere.


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Tuesday, Feb. 24. I have somewhere read that a journal loses all interest unless carefully continued every day, but ah
me! every night I am so sleepy & cold that I think I will put it off once more. In future I really will try to be more
regular. The Greek progresses finely. I read a chapter in the Testament nearly every day but once in a while
circumstances prevent. I am studying diligently the school lessons but my progress seems so very slow. I have lately
taken up Rhetoric. It was Miss ... desire but I should much prefer Algebra. However I like this well enough &
doubtless it is useful. I have today received letters from aunt [R]. & [L]. I love [R]. very much and she has always
been kind to me, besides I think she was my darling mother's favorite sister. She certainly writes a very fine letter, she
goes to ever so many lectures and has all the advantages of the cultivated society of Cambridge & Boston, so different is
it there from this old fogy place. My glorious Wendel [Wendell] Phillips* lectures here tonight & it is the greatest
shame that ever was that I cannot go to hear him. I tried my best to do so but could not succeed. Grandma po-

*Wendell Phillips (29 November 1811–2 February 1884) was an American abolitionist, advocate for Native Americans,
orator and lawyer


-litely expressed her wonder that having been here so long I did not want to go home, calling me a good little girly for
being so patient, and gave me some other pretty plain hints. Thank Heaven I shall not be here much longer. Perhaps
sometime I can go to school in Cambridge, that is at present the ultimatum of my wishes & desires but I fear they will
never be realized. [R]. lives in an atmosphere of books, they always have all the new works of the the best authors and
read & appreciate them, whereas I can hardly remember the time when a new book has come into this house, and they
do not even take a single periodical. But how goes the affaire du coeur? There is certainly not much progress but it is
all owing to my excessive stupidity & awkwardness. If I were in the least lovable how could she help loving me a little
when I am so devoted to her. But Alas! it is my nature. I shall never be any thing but despised and hated by mortal
man, and my belief in a future existence is at present veiled in a dim & melancholy twilight.


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Wednesday, Feb. 25. My music teacher has again disappointed me. Last Wednesday he put me into perfect extasies
[ecstasies] by promising to give me the photograph of my beloved pastor as well as of himself, so it is natural
consequence that he should not come today. Miss Benham and all his pupils complain of him greatly for the same
offence. By the way I think that young lady very charming. She studies Mental Philosophy now with Miss Wood &
their recitations are so very interesting that I can never attend to my own lessons during their continuance. I must be
always and everywhere a learner. So much does not depend on the number of books read as the manner of reading
them---or the number of facts gained as on the mirror of reflecting them. I feel that I am growing older every day but I
greatly fear that many precious hours of youth are wasted. If I could get a habit of always improving every moment, it
would doubtless be of great advantage to me & now I will endeavor to employ every hour to some good purpose, but
somehow when I make such resolutions I always seem to sink deeper & deeper in sloth and idleness therefore. If
tomorrow I make no progress in [industry], I shall begin to despair.


Thursday, Feb 26. I think I am nearly perfect in making good resolutions but the keeping of them is quite a different
affair. How little do I appreciate the shortness of life! I deeply regret now the many hours, months, years of my time in
unavailing regrets. Let me be up & doing, doing with my might what my hands find to do. The past is past and never
can return but perhaps it may be in part redeemed by excessive industry in the future. If I could through the day feel as
bold and energetic and determined as I always feel at night, perhaps I might do better--I
am afraid I waste more time in school even than at home, there I never seem to care a sous for study on its own
account, but the evenings are the happiest times. Then I have no excuse for laziness. As soon as the clock strikes the
hour of ten I retire to the sacred precincts of my own little chamber, there to write or study until eleven. By that time I
feel tired enough to allow soft slumber to steal away my senses without resistance. My hour for rising is usually a
quarter before seven but sometimes [I] oversleep myself.


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Monday, March 2. I have neglected my journal for some days for I have had a novel, Dr. Thorne, to read after
retirement but tonight I must record my emotions & thoughts. I have even been to hear Anna [E.] Dickinson(1) lecture
& of course I was delighted. I went fully prepared to find fault and to criticise but now my faith in woman's ability is
restored. So long have I been under the government of these antiquarians that I had surely become like unto them but of
now I shake off the shackles and am once more my own master. But the lecture. It was very eloquent and will
doubltless do much good among the Copperheads(2) of this mean old [State]. Much was severe on McClellan & other
traitors of our beloved land and the whole was interspersed with anecdote and illustration. On the whole I was very
much pleased and so was my party, the B's, of whom however I have not a very high opinion. We went into Mrs.
Oliver's rooms afterwards and very pretty rooms they are, very elegant & refined. Many of my favorite books I
recognised & she spoke finely of Gail Hamilton. General ... is in town today & there are great celebrations. One night
this week [Leo] Miller is the lecturer & I hope to hear him.

(1)Anna Elizabeth Dickinson (October 28, 1842 – October 22, 1932) was an American orator and lecturer, an advocate
for the abolition of slavery and for women's suffrage.
(2)The Copperheads were a vocal group of Democrats located in the Northern United States of the Union who opposed
the American Civil War.
(1)Anna Elizabeth Dickinson (October 28, 1842 – October 22, 1932) was an American orator and lecturer, an advocate
for the abolition of slavery and for women's suffrage.

Tuesday March 3. Did I follow my inclination tonight I should quickly seek my pillow without writing a word but duty
ever comes before pleasure. In consequence of my great dissipation of last night I had rather a poor lesson in Latin &
mon amour was extremely sarcastic--but how ugly of me to say that when she was very much more complaisant to me
than mine iniquities did deserve. Mr. Meinerth came to me this afternoon and I think he must have been in a very
pleasant [mood] not to be more impatient than he was with me for my innumerable imperfections. My hour is now
changed to Tuesday at five o'clock. Last week instead of coming himself he sent the promised photographs and they
certainly were very acceptable. Mr. G. looked as natural as life, he had that peculiarly happy expression of his that he
always wears when about to say something pleasant. How many happy hours does his countenance recall to me & with
what pleasure do I gaze upon those noble features. Greatly to my surprise it was reported today that aunt Ellen &
family are to be here next Thursday, Providence permitting. I shall be very glad to see my cousin but I fear she will not
help my studying.


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Wednesday March 4. The evening is lovely. The [bold] and brilliant moon traverses hill and dale with her piercing
rays, lighting up the secrets of [sable] night. The spotless snow sparkles brightly in the effulgent light & perfect quiet
reigns. My front curtains are closely drawn to keep out the unwanted cold & the curtains of my eyes remind me that it
is time they also should be closed. Shall I not follow the example of the brave Hercules & [chose] the guidance &
protection of fair Virtue, thereby bringing to myself perhaps misfortunes and troubles here, but hereafter glory and
immortality? Shall I not be ready to suffer all things, to hope all things, to believe all things, to do all things? Shall I
not perform my allotted labor faithfully & heartily as unto the Lord? I think the old Adam is very strong in me, the
strongest argument to my mind of total depravity is what I find in the recesses of my own heart, but I do not say that I
am yet a believer. I have grown weary of dust and decay, weary of flinging my soul-wealth away, weary of sowing for
others to reap, rock me to sleep mother! rock me to sleep. Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue, mother oh mother
my heart calls for you.*

*Rock Me to Sleep, Elizabeth (Akers) Allen. 1832–1911


Thursday, March 5. The whole family has arrived and has been most graciously welcomed. I delighted to see Ellen
myself & she seemed equally happy to see her obedient servant. I don't exactly know how I am to prepare even the
modicum of lessons, to say nothing of the Greek &c. for she is the wildest thing imaginable. I find also that I cannot
study in the drawingroom any longer in the evenings, so I shall probably be obliged to remove headquarters to my own
little room. Tres volentiers. Ella is a perfect prodigy in learning, & geography is her especial forte. I never had much
taste for that study and I find that she is at present much ahead of me. I shall be obliged to resort to some expedient to
conceal my ignorance. She says very demurely that she does not like to play but she does love to study. How I wish
that my early advantages had been like hers! [That] my father...[hush].sh sh I have no right to complain but indeed I
almost wish I had my youth to live over again, perhaps I could improve it a little better. But the use of experience is
certainly to make us do better in the future, & I must profit by mine though it be not altogether pleasant. Ella


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is also a great Bible reader & as I have never read the whole of the sacred Book I am now doing it by rapid [steps],
about eighteen chapters a day. perhaps she will not introduce the subject before next Sunday (I cannot hope for a longer
reprise) and by that time I think I shall have nearly finished. The child has already signified her intention of going to
Sabbath school with me & in all probability she will be in my class for she doubtless knows more of holy things than do

I. But why do I lower myself so before this mere infant? I have certainly the experience of riper years than she has yet
attained, and that should give me some advantage. Besides I am not her inferior in quite everything yet a while, but this
boast I imagine will not be long mine. Can I not use her some way for my own benefit, make her be of some help to me
in ascending the ladder of knowledge? But perhaps her honored father understands Greek & will give me some
assistance. However I cannot summon courage to ask him & of course he will not volunteer his useful aid. Ellen will
perhaps inspire me with some ambition to excell her youthful powers, & this be of advantage to me.

Friday, March 6. At the end of the school week I really feel somewhat tired, & not indisposed to accept Saturday as a
day of recreation. However I do not of course, mean that I give up all studying, that is the time for Greek & Arithmatic
to flourish & the other lessons that do not come in the school list. I find after all that I am about as proficient in
Geography as Miss Ella herself & I have quite regained my self-respect. She [teases] me considerably & likes
especially to have her way as I do too, but as yet we have got along very well together. Tonight the long wished for
"Graver Thoughts" by the Country Parson have arrived, and I expect a great deal of pleasure from the perusal of them.
Alas! how aimless & useless is this idle life I lead. If I had more energy & perseverence I might hope with some
prospect of realization, but woe is me; I seem to grow worse & worse daily. How fruitless are all my efforts for
improvement. Why not abandon them all & live only for pleasant pleasure & selfish gratification? What big difference
can it make whether I am good or bad, learned or ignornant?


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Saturday, March 7. I am not at all pleased with the manner in which this day has been spent. The glorious old Second
Regiment went by in the moring, and preparing for that & looking at it, broke up the morning so that I hardly
accomplished anything. Then the afternoons are always very short and Ella & I studied Geography until nearly dark.
Of course, the piano has not been neglected so thus the day has passed. But the evening remains to be accounted for.
Shortly after seven I took my ... & retired to my own room with the full intention of writing my composition, but I also
took up Ella's Geography to while away the time, & beginning on that I could not possibly leave it until ten. At least I
should be able to keep up with my little cousin & perhaps I shall soon be as expert as herself. I now feel myself pretty
safe on mountains. A terrific snowstorm is now raging which commenced early in the morning & has continued all day.
Rather severe for March but we have had such a mild winter that I suppose we deserve it. I have half a mind to
discontinue this foolish writing altogether, it is so silly to waste so much time over such nonsense.


Thursday, March 10. If this exercise is to be continued, I must endeavor to analize [analyze] my feelings & sensations
rather than simply to recall events; for now I am just in the transistion state between childhood & womanhood, and
when I am old perhaps I shall look back with some interest upon this period of my life. I will tonight give a synopsis of
my usual occupations with some remarks on my method of spending the time, in order that in future, [trivial]
circumstances may be denied admittance to my book of remembrance. I now rise almost invariably at six (as the days
lengthen my hour will probably be earlier) & at about seven am ready for study. To this rule there will doubtless be
numerous exceptions. After breakfast I usually have a few moments for study before trudging off to school at half past
eight. I am not very often late & absent I have been but two days this year. The perfection of my recitations is of
course a matter of very great importance & in this respect I am happy to say I have usually reason to be satisfied with
myself, especially in the departments belonging to mon amour. My deportment during school hours is generally correct
& always I am supremely happy in our sweet palace of learning. Even the [sharp]


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speeches of the ogre do not have much effect if I am not conscious of desiring them. By the way I think I am rather a
favorite with her, though I can hardly say that is my ambition. I greatly desire to cultivate an intimate acquaintance with
Mary [H]., for although orthodox, she is quite comme it faut. I frequently hear some of her lessons when the ogre is in a
great hurry. After dinner is my hour for practicing & here especially do I need great improvement upon my ordinary
mode. I really think I waste more time here than at any other part of the day. I must remember that I cannot much
longer have the advantage of such an excellent teacher & that thought should spur me on to super... activity. Mr. M.
came today & was very kind & I also was rather more gracious than usual. He kindly left a book of photographs for
inspection & he's promised me the sweet Mocking Bird for next time. Sometimes I study & nearly always walk from
this time until six. Now I shall be particularly devoted to Geography. But the evening is perhaps the time most enjoyed
& to that enjoyment my book of dates contributes much. I study with some gusto & relish & perhaps success at this
time but here I might save many precious grains of gold. Eleven o'clock usually finds me on the point of retiring.


Wednesday March 11. Now I suppose I am liberty to analize [sic] my feelings but I do not feel so much like doing it as
I did last night. However, I'm in for it & I may as well go the whole hog. I wish I studied Phrenology so that I could
know where to begin & where to leave off. I do not know whether hatred & disgust come under the Animal, Moral or
Intellectual Faculties but certain I am that they enter largely into the composition of my mind. Seeing as I do the daily
bickerings & backbitings & sharp words & bitter retorts that continually pass between the members of this sweet family,
I can not but be assured that I shall never become a convert to their religion, since Jesus himself says By their fruits ye
shall know them. I have even had occasion to doubt their strict veracity at times. Still, it cannot be denied that this
propensity to hate so easily is in itself totally wrong & that I should use every endeavor to eradicate it. But I fear it
grows upon me in spite of my efforts. Surely I who am so totally, totally depraved should not be so fault-finding with
them so much better than myself. I must earnestly strive to overcome this wicked thought.


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Thursday, 12. Tonight I may speak of love. I think that amativeness must be largely developed in me, & I must
endeavor to restrain it somewhat by the exercise of reason. My love appears to be selfish rather than self-sacrificing. I
suppose I love because I cannot help it but I cannot be happy without some return. She whom I call "mon amour" does
not in the least reciprocate my extreme affection for her & I often resolve that I will put away such foolishness but as
well might I resolve to fly. She is fascinating, but withal so tantalizing. I have an idea (foolish perhaps but true) that
she is not entirely displeased with my proficiency under her sweet tutelage, for I cannot help perceiving that I am
somewhat less stupid than the others. But why should I mention this love before my own relatives! Can it be that it is
greater? With a few obvious exceptions, I can answer in the affirmative. My darling sister, the legacy of my sainted
mother, occupies of course the first place in my heart. Ah how seldom I speak of her in these pages, but is not that I do
not think of her. When I go home I have a great work to perform in training her, moulding her first thoughts, instructing
her & watching the unfolding of her young innocent mind. I fear


alas, that I have so far been unfaithful to this my first great duty in life. It is true I have been with her but little, but
conscience whispers that that little has not been improved. But oh! if I only had my own dear mother to love once more.
She who loved me so tenderly, who shared by every trouble & who watched over me with none but a mother's care, how
sweetly would she comfort me now. How can I ever become a true, noble woman without a mother's sweet care to
guide & instruct me? She would so encourage & strengthen me for my many difficult duties & sympathize in all of my
trials.

March 13. Last night I was about to speak of my love for my father in high terms, but emotion overcame me & I
deferred it until tonight, little thinking that one day would make any change. But one can count upon nothing in this
fleeting world. Aujourd'hui j'ai recu une lettre de mon pere, avec trenti cinq piastres; mais en langage si froid so
businesslike il ecrit, pas le moins du monde comme le pere que j'amais autrefois. I believe that I have been deceiving
myself with the idea that I am rich--or at least able to obtain an education. Now all such ideas are rudely dashed to the
ground. I imagine my father does not intend that my


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instruction shall extend beyond Madame Thompson's jurisdiction of course he has no idea of sending me to college,
upon which sweet hope I have been building Chateaux en Espagnes. But I must be firm, perhaps I have some money in
my own which will take me to that consumation [sic] devoutly to be wished. I will give up any & every thing for
knowledge. What am I, that I should deem myself capable of such superior advantages; or my father's house that I hope
to receive them! Only from my mother have I received any genius or talent or love of books. Certes, mon pere est loin
d'etre literaire, je presque envie ce ma cousine son pere, pas pour son bontes enfin, but for his appreciation of literary
things & people. I feel that I am born for something higher & nobler than to be married off [to] the highest bidder in the
market of husbands. Je ne peut pas ecrire ce soir que j'aime mon pere, mais je suis fache contre lui et je ne peux juger
avec raison. I imagine that I love books & study and am capable of some achievements in the [arena] of literature. Last
night I studied until after twelve & arose at six this morning nor do I feel any the worse for my indulgence. My
resolution of studying all night has not yet been fulfilled but perhaps the coming week will afford me some chance.


March 23. How different is the life I write from my real life! Inward life I mean, here at least I am truthful in the
outward & perhaps as far as I know how in the inward also; but when I read over what I have written a day before, it
seems like the thought of long years past. And even while I write I feel that I do not say what I mean to say. However
this probably arises from my want of skill in Language. Oh, I am very unhappy, I mourn all the time for the presence of
my angel mother & I will not be comforted because I see her not. It should be my chief desire to follow her counsels &
to do always what she would wish me to do in any case. I am still young & I suppose my character is not yet formed. O
I do want to be like Jesus, but I cannot love his Christians as I have seen them. Even now I have lived long enough to
find that this world is a ... house of corruption & woe which goes swinging through the ages to one unceasing anthem of
pain, that there is nothing here but impending sorrow eternal grief. What then remains to one with no hope & without
God in the world! O God, if there is a God, save my soul if I have a soul.


March 27. I am crying for very joy. I have been reading an account of the Vassar Female College that is to be. The
glorious emancipation proclamation for woman has gone forth & no power can put her back in her former state. She
has tasted the sweets of Liberty & now nothing can hinder her progress in literary achievements. I must give an outline
of what I have read. The College is founded by Mathew Vassar, a venerable citizen of Poughkeepsie, with Miles P.
Jewett, L.S.D., as president. The writer says: "Whatever may be the issue of this effort to found a large & amply
endowed college for women, the effort alone is laudable; it arrests wide & instant attention; it commands the
benedictions & prayers of all who have learned to wish well to noble purposes & pray for their achievement. It is
possible that Vassar College may fail to meet the hopes of its founder & the high expectations of the public; but at such
a cost to have attempted the establishment of a women's college, is a grand and an auspicious act, and demands
commemoration among the foremost beneficiaries of these times... On the 20th of June, 1861, ground was broken for
the foundation of the college edifice, & by the middle of November of the present year (186[3]) all will be under cover.
The building is to be in the Norman style; the material is brick, with stone trimmings, three stories high with a mansard
roof. Under one roof


will be contained a chapel, a library, an art gallery, lecture & recitation rooms, the president's house, apartments for lady
teachers &e, & finally, accomodations [sic] for three hundred ladies, each one of whom is to have a separate sleeping
room. The edifice will be nearly fire proof, will be heated by steam, lighted with gas ventilated in the most perfect
manner & supplied throughout with an abundance of pure soft-water. The grounds will be everything that can be
desired & the whole will conssume [sic] somewhat more than two hundred thousand dollars. [Here] then is the best that
money can buy, but out of which, after all, money alone cannot make a college. Here is the cold man of clay,
beautifully wrought of finest texture; ere long we must be looking for the all defying genius of a Prometheus, whose
thrilling [reed] shall conduct into this image the spark of heavenly fire. The idea at the bottom of Vassar College is a
very distinct one and easily put. Its founder desires to establish "an institution that shall accomplish for young women
what our colleges are accomplishing for young men." Shall not woman, too, have the privilege of a university education
is the question that millions are asking. Matthew Vassar, with his abundant dollars, with his practiced wisdom, & his
trained executive power, replies SHE SHALL! The great capitalist of Pough



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keepsie offers to reduce to reality the long and passionate [year]-dreams of Mary Lyon & Catherine Bucher." ----The
writer discusses the predictibility of making the college a home, and arrives at the conclusion that it is much the better
plan, in which I fully agree with him. For what parents would trust their innocent daughters unprotected in the midst of
that large city? "If any man will faithfully search the condition of woman in all lands and times,--the tyranny of law &
custom & maxim, under which she has been oppressed, her deprivation of the means of general experience and special
culture, by the selfishness of her stouter male, degraded beneath him, & then tainted and cursed for that degradation,
[deep] of injustice & suffering evermore underlying ...,--he will be tempted to define woman as that being who was
created for the express purpose of showing how mean man could be without particularly trying. It may be questioned
whether civilization has, thus far, essentially meliorated her case. In such ages, she has been the victim of rude
meanness, & in refined ages, of refined meanness..... "She who knoweth how to compound a pudding is more desirable
than she who skillfully compoundeth a poem. That is the grim verdict of the seventeeth century." Chemistry enough to
keep the pot boiling, & geography enough to know the location of the different rooms in her house, are learning enough


for a woman." That is the sardonic verdict of the eighteenth century. "A female astronomer has no other notice for
looking at he moon than to see whether there be a man in it." That is the libertine verdict of the first half of the
nineteenth century. But we shall hear no more of such despicable [flings]! From every living authority, in original
thought & crticism, come words of cordial salutation to women, gladly recognizing her capacity for knowledge & her
contributions to the world's store of ttuth & right feeling. The meanness of masculine jealousy is being shamed out of
the world. The day is breaking for women. The chivalry of the soul is to commence its golden era, never to close. And
of this the rearing of these massive [vaults] is one gladdenly taken. They will not, they cannot, be reared in vain. And
this magnificent example will be contagious;---for

"Hither, as to their fountain, other stars

Repair, & in their urns draw gold light."*

Glorious! Glorious! never have I passed two happier hours. Oh, I must go, I must prevail upon my father to send me.
It is to be opened in the spring of '64, & then I shall be just the age. Let me study diligently now, as preparation.

*John Milton (1608–1674), Paradise Lost, vii, 364


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March 28. Last night I was about to discourse eloquently on the charms of returning spring, & the vernal joys of
Persephone's sweet arrival. but tonight my proper theme should be the glories of winter, the lofty sublimity of the raging
elements & the splendor of nature's spotless mantle of snow. This morning, with [les "soi-dirents] perfections" I went to
Fort Constitution. The mud was ankle deep, and with less delightful company ma tante would never have proceeded
such a distance, le predicateur however was irresistable. I enjoyed the walk much, & especially was it a great pleasure
to see "my own blue sea" once more. The soldiers of the glorious Second Regiment were also interesting. I do not feel
nearly as tired as I think I might, after a walk of six miles but I have some indications of disagreeable pain in my limbs...
I was in a perfectly ecstatic state of enjoyment last night. I felt completely elevated above petty cares & troubles, &
almost insupportably happy. But I must not cherish too great hopes, for they are probably destined to be frustrated as is
everything I undertake. Nothing of course could afford me more pleasure than the accomplishment of that scheme, but
at present I cannot exactly see the means.


March 29. I believe we are now regularly supplied with a minister, a stupid old fogy, but n'importe. I shall soon be
home & then I shall not be here. Isn't that good logic? I'm excess of company now present grandma's having prayers
but when regularity is again restored I intend to read in Greek the morning chapter. Doubtless I shall meet with many
disappointments but I can only persevere. I form delightful pictures of that college to which I hope to go--but how
funny it sounds to say it, boarding school should be much more proper for poor degraded woman. How can I deceive
myself with such "great expectations" which I know can never be realized. I suppose I ought to be happy now but I
hardly think I am. Perhaps I feel a certain fearful looking for [of] judgement & fiery indignation. But no! that is not the
reason of my wish for I never can fully apprehend that doctrine. I almost think I repudiate it altogether--it is only
present comfort that I care for.


March 31. Every object wears its winter's vestment of fairy like loveliness & the brilliant orb of night produces
diamonds in abundance on every branch & twig, making a scene of irresistable beauty. All perfection departed this
morning, leaving poor sinful human nature to repose [&] happiness once more. I believe I am rather sorry to lose the
company of Mademoiselle, but there is not much doubt of my surviving even such intense unhappiness. Can it be that
from eleven to six does not allow sufficient time for sleep? In no other way can I account for my frequent drowsiness in
the evening, but I cannot now afford more for wanton indulgence. The ogre informed me today that my lessons in
Geometry were not satisfactory lately, at first they were remarkably perfect, but I have greatly deteriorated & kind
madame cannot account for it. Nor can I any more, though I fully appreciate the justice of her remarks. Either I do not
study enough or my mind has become incapable of apprehending such stupendous truths. Neither are my other lessons
as perfect as I could wish. I have no longer un amour to please but whatever she is she requires good lessons, & it is no
easy thing to please her.


April 11. I feel very guilty for having neglected my duty so long. I study unremittingly until eleven and then have not
much to write about, so have not been as persevering as usual. Today however an event of unusual importance
occurred. As I returned from my morning walk (being Saturday) I found my aunt Riar in the parlor. I think nothing
could have surprised me more, but I was delighted to see her, and it was very kind of her to come to me in my
loneliness. I really think she loves me a little, if so she is the only one in the world, and from childhood I have always
had a great affection for her; she reminds me so much of my darling mother and she played Kinlock of Kinlock(1) that
she used so often to play. And she reminds me of old times, when I was young; and walked in maiden meditation fancy
free.(2) Perhaps I was not sufficiently cordial but I certainly love her as much as my cold nature will permit. She was
welcomed very kindly by the family and entertained hospitably; she was pleased to praise my musical performances
somewhat. We took a walk together, & went into the Universalist Church, where I have never before been & was
surprised to see it

(1)Kinloch of Kinloch - A Scotch air
(2)In maiden meditation fancy free — Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream, Act II., Sc. i.


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so beautiful. I do not know what my faith is at present. Sometimes I am on one side & again on the other. If it is true
that "by their fruits ye shall know them" I could have no more doubt, from my experience, at least. But Bible evidence I
rather think is on the other side. N'import. Effie has been here the past week & I have not seen her!!! My own darling
one! I called & she was out, she called & I was engaged, that means aunt [C.] was expecting the doctor & forbade her
being admitted. I was so angry I cried from vexation, but that could not help the matter. A few moments afterwards I
saw her repass the house & look up at the windows with seeming interest. I just caught a sight of her face, but it was
only tantalizing to see such beauty & animation without being able to approach & pay the worship due to such
surprising intellect & talent & everything good & noble & beautiful & true. By the by, aunt R. thinks I am no beauty,
nor &c &c. I have seen the eyes for several days past, but I cannot say they took much notice of me. Miss Benham is
acquainted and think the [possessor] handsome, she showed my ... photograph but I could not agree with her. By the
way, that interesting young lady is short to leave, not however, from her own desire.


Sunday, April 12. The month commenced with rain & snow, but this a perfectly lovely day, as warm as mid-summer,
and winter clothes are quite uncomfortable. I sleep now with my window open & even then it is almost too warm. I
have been to church with Grandma alone & listened to a sufficiently prosy discourse from Mr. Eddy. I would give
anything to have Mr. Gage back again. I wonder if I shall ever see him any more. I have no books that I care for here
today. I have read hardly any thing but Greek, in that I am making some progress, & with the aid of the English
testament, do not find much difficulty. All my wishes are still centered upon the one object of going to Vassar Female
College. I have many misgivings as to my ability, for I am everywhere acknowledged to be a stupid dunce, but perhaps
for that reason I ought to have good advantages. At any rate, I shall do my best to succeed in a consummation devoutly
to be wished.* I have communicated my hopes on this subject to no one as yet, not even aunt Riar, & I do not think she
would approve. But what matter? I know it would be the desire of my only mother, & that is suf


*'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished--Shakespeare, Hamlet


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ficient. R. described to me my room in the new house, said it was the very pleasantest, looking upon the river & with a
delightful view. I almost long to go home, I think I shall be so happy. She said also that papa appeared much pleased
with my proficiency in music and probably he will get me a nice piano. Now I have a new incentive to unwearied
practise. Miss Tompson grows much more pleasant under the influence of this genial spring weather, & I am studying
bravely. She can now find no fault with my recitations in Geometry, or indeed, any thing else. And with mon amour I
am much the best scholar, but that does not soften her rigidity; however I suppose it is more my fault, for I am
particularly constrained and uninteresting with her. I have finished Mythology & taken Rhetoric in its stead, also I am
reviewing Natural Philosophy & I hope to commence a second Algebra soon if Madame is not unwilling. Mr. Meinerth
has not given me a lesson for two weeks & naturally I have not practised as well as I should if he had been more
faithful, however it is not his fault, poor man, he has been quite sick with a cold. I realize myself that I have made some
improvement here.


Tuesday, 14. I arise shortly after five now, and the mornings are perfectly beautiful, the birds are all singing to welcome
the light & every thing looks so fresh and pure. Rejoice, rejoice, the summer months are coming, in very deed.
Yesterday I was detained from school by the illness of aunt F., only the third time I have been absent this year. I
submitted with very good grace, but did not particularly enjoy the vacation. Today my lessons were as nearly perfect as
possible, especially the French & Latin but my dear iceberg was impregnable, although I was her only pupil for the
nonce. I have enjoyed the rare pleasure of Mr. Meinerth's attentions. He was kind, as usual, & expressed himself highly
pleased with my progress during his long neglect. I was somewhat astonished to learn that even he had not had the good
fortune to see Effie, indeed did not know that she had been in town. So my great grief was partly alleviated by his
sympathy. I think I shall not try to write every night--it is so silly to keep repeating the same foolish trash--in future it
shall only be once in a while, when I feel particularly happy or sad.


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Wednesday, 15 What shall I do when I have no longer this pleasant school to attend? For the present, I do not think
my lot could possible be more to my taste, and I must try not to be over anxious for the future but to be happy while I
may. The trials & sorrows of womanhood will soon come upon me; of course I shall endeavor to do my part in life as
faithfully as may be, & that I may so do, I should now be preparing my armour & any weapons. Now seems to be a
transition state in my life. I have put away the frivolities of childhood but have not yet reached the strength and wisdom
of mature age. Grandma talks much about laying a good foundation, & I hope I appreciate the justness of her remarks.
Miss Tompson certainly does her best toward the work, but after all, it will depend on myself more than any one else. If
I had a better sense of the importance of these years of my life I should probably improve them better. As it is, I feel
daily more & more how far behind my [beau] ideal of perfection I fall. If I could deeply impress my mind of the value
of time perhaps I should not waste it so prodigiously.


Saturday, April 18. My closet is a very agreeable place of an evening. I am obliged to retire hither when I intend to
exceed the proscribed limit of study or when the weather is too cold. And tomorrow I care not if I am sleepy in church
for we are to have a very uninteresting minister. Mr. Gage is really going to preach in Greenland tomorrow. I would
give worlds to hear him once more, if I could only go there by some means or other. There is considerable bad feeling
about him here and it is not probable he will ever come to preach. Uncle Henry (who has arrived this evening) had the
exquisite pleasure of riding from Boston with him & his wife. H. saw father in N.Y. several times & says the family are
in good health, Harry's arm as well as ever. He informs me that they have been in the habit of breakfasting by
candlelight, quite an innovation that, and of which I highly approve. Probably one can sit up as late as he pleases & it is
very nice to save so much time in the morning. I wonder if I am ever going home again. Father does not write very
often, so I have no other correspondent of any description from home. I shall commence another quarter next


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May, if I do not receive orders to the contrary before that time. I can hardly tell whether I desire to go home or not;
doubtless it will very pleasant to see my darling sister & brother, & Mary I am certain I shall like very much, quoiqu'elle
ne soit pas [literaire], and the new house is a great inducement; but here I have a very quiet & perhaps happy life &
especially I have the great advantage of a good school and I do not know that I should better myself by a change. But
how fooliish for me to think & write this, when I well know that my preference will have nothing to do with it. One
important question is: will M. oppose my cherished scheme? If I coud gain her influence perhaps she would persuade
my father to consent. But sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.* I have enough to do for the present in studying
what I can. My advantages here are full great enough for my present benefit... I have been mending today, a task I
detest but have to perform. Now I intend to enjy myself for some hours with my Greek Testament & a life of Franklin
that I have accidentally found.

*King James Bible, Matthew 6:34


Sunday, 19. Last night I went to bed at one, & this morning arose at six & finished the Life of Franklin. This evening I
have also been studying Geometry so it appears that I am not quite as perfect in obedience as I ought to be. The only
thing I have for Sunday reading is a Review from the Book club, in which I generally find something entertaining; but
this only comes once three weeks. I have been much interested in some articles on English Orthography, and an essay
on Athens & Aesthetic Culture I consider very fine. In this country there is hardly any attention paid to the beautiful in
literature or art, all is so practical & every body is in such a tremendous hurry. This war however has done much to
produce a more manly, serious style of thought among the people. I have fine form at church with human magnetism.
Every one of any sense, I perceive, believes in it, nor am I the only one who thus desecrates the sanctuary. Mr. N. in
particular seems to get rather [wruthy] sometimes. As yet I can only make their eyes meet mine, but I practise every
chance I have & am making some experiments. Mrs. Gage was at church looking sweetly but of course I could not
speak to her.


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Monday, 20. I have seen Mr. Gage. He looked exceedingly handsome and well and happy, and he gave me a very
sweet bow and smile. Why should he remember me? Is it because I paid such attention to his preaching? Perhaps. He
was riding and so of course could not speak, which I imagine he would otherwise have done. I was kept out from four
till after six, doing errands for the good folks, but I was fully recompensed by the sight of many friends. The "eyes" I
frequently see in town, but they have not been to church lately. Can they have fallen into bad habits? I also caught
sight of another interesting subject whom I have not found under my jurisdiction for some time. All the girls of my age
have plenty of beaux and I have hardly a gentleman acquaintance in town, except perhaps a butcher or so with whom I
may have traded. For this I am very thankful and I have thus much more time for attending to my studies. From all that
is said, I find that my favorite scheme can meet with no approbation here. But is not from them that I have ever
expected cooperation. Where there is a will there is a way & perhaps I may yet succeed.


Tuesday, 21. Actually going home, at last. I have only a week more to go to school & after that I start when it shall
please my father. "This is the way I long have sought and mourned because I found it not,"* but now I have found it, I
am not quite sure that I am glad. I believe I am constitutionally averse to change, and now I have really [get] domiciled
in this house, I am loth [loathe] to leave it for the tumult & disturbance of my little world. Here I have been accustomed
only to please myself, there I must obey, & probably take my share of the household duties. I am about to see & know
my father's wife, she with whom I am to be happy or miserable, & I tremble for the event. I am the eldest child and
perhaps of some little importance in the family, and I feel rather cowardly at resuming my long-neglected post. I am
about to take a great responsibility in leading & training & instructing my younger brother & sister, and I tremble for
my resolutions to be of some use to them. I have it in my power to bring peace or contention into the household & I
must be very careful of my conduct. But my greatest fear is that I may not be loved. I know I am very [unlovely], but
perhaps that will reform me.

*line from the hymn "Jesus My All, to Heaven is Gone"


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Wednesday, April 22. I have considered the negative side of my happiness; there is also a positive. I am to leave this
mansion where I have had so many trials, where I have not the least sympathy, where there is not one to care for me or
to know whether I am happy & miserable. I am to leave the school where I have but one true love, where I am at once
envied and despised, where my teacher is a saintly hypocrite, continually finding fault. And where am I going? Into the
bosom of an expectant family, where I shall not be snubbed every moment & made to feel my perfect nonentity, where a
darling sister & brother await my care and friendship, where I can study when & how I please & shall have plenty of
books, and above all, where I shall be loved. [Jenny] loves all, why shall not I! Peut s'on faudra qui je l'aime a present,
et quoique je ne pourrai [les] respecter en literature, cela ne sera rien. Perhaps my greatest sorrow at departing will be
the loss of ma chere amour. If I only durst ask her to write to me I should be happy. But how excessively conceited in
me to allow the thought of it? I have no course to hope that she cares a straw for me although I adore her.


April 23. I have been to hear Madame Bishop(1) sing and have been highly pleased. From all accounts she must be
about fifty years of age, but she still looks quite young. Her voice is finely cultivated and under perfect controll {sic],
and her manner was unexceptionable. She was assisted by several instruments, the piano especially was very beautiful
and also the violin. Uncle H. was my escort, & "a very good one too he made." He made himself very agreeable and I
was perfectly at my ease, and we conversed fluently on music, celebrated performers & singers, especially Jenny Lind.

(2) I have not passed a pleasanter evening for a long time. I have found that I can talk as well as any body when I
please, & I think H. is pleased with me. The temple is a fine place for experiments in magnetism & I did not neglect
such an opportunity for collecting proofs. I think there is no doubt that there is something in it but how to account for it,
I cannot tell. I saw, lately, a book advertised on the subject & if I had the money, I would not be long without without
it.
(1)Madame Anna Bishop, English soprano singer
(2)Johanna Maria Lind (6 October 1820 – 2 November 1887), better known as Jenny Lind, was a Swedish opera singer,
often known as the "Swedish Nightingale". One of the most highly regarded singers of the 19th century.

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Monday 27. Last night I heard a Mr. Dudley speak on the contrabands, or freedmen of the South. Part of the discourse
was interesting & he gave many facts & incidents. I think I should like very much to teach them if circumstances did
but permit, & if I were old enough. The last is certainly an insuperable objection for the present. I am begging some
money for the great cause. Susy [P.] has left school & today she came to see me. She staid an interminable time & was
not especially agreeable. She is excessively awkward & countryfied & large & homely. Is it owing to birth or
education? Probably to both. It is my pet theory that a child born of common or vulgar parents can hardly rise above
their level, even with many advantages for refinement & culture, neither of which however Susie has had. I imagine I
appear very much like this girl when I am in company, & that my mind is hardly above hers. My disposition is
grovelling, I have no tendency or inclination to rise in the scale of mankind & I shall never be more than a drudge.


April 28. Naturally, I desire to record Mr. Meinerth's adieux. We had a particularly pleasant lesson, during which he
was very kind & agreeable & gave me many parting injunctions about my playing. Then he had the grace to say some
very pretty things to me, of which If I could believe one half, I should feel highly flattered. He said he should be
pleased to receive me under his care at a future period, even though he should have no other pupils. He seems to have a
very bad opinion of Portsmouth, both as to climate & society. The greater part of his pupils he appears to have found
rather mediocre. But he spoke charmingly of Effie,--he considers her a being of superior order & almost too pure to live
with common mortals. She, he says, has some mind. He has awakened again my strong desire to see my darling & I
idolize her with renewed devotion. Well may I call her my example, & I should have that bright example continually
before me. Comme dit Rousseau*: Proposons nous a nous-memes de grands exemples a imiter plutot que de vain
systemes a suive. E moi, je dit, de tout mon coeur.

*Jean-Jacques Rousseau, French philospher


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April 29. I am highly indignant. It was incidentally mentioned to mon amour that this was my last day at school, and
she took not the slightest notice of me. This is all that my long & unremitted devotion has accomplished--even now her
heart feels not a single sensation of regard for one who has been a good scholar with her at least. I perceive from this
total failure of me greatest endeavors how very unlovely I am, how utterly devoid of the power of pleasing. If she,
whose love, I have tried my best to gain, finds my affection so odious, what a melancholy picture I may draw of the
esteem in which I am held by those whom I have not cared to please. I shall probably see mon amour again, but not
alone, no sweet converse---but whither do I wander? I cannot seem to comprehend how vile & contemptable [sic] I am
in her sight. I have lavished my affection upon so worthless an object, & wholly neglected the homelier virtues of
Madame. She seemed quite affected by my departure, & indeed could hardly restrain her emotion. True, that is her
custom with all her pupils, so I need not feel particularly flattered. She was kind enough to say that she was well
pleased with the proficiency I had made under her tuition. O my heart is breaking. One kind word or smile from my
mistress would have made me so happy, but I have nothing but the remembrance of her beauty.


May 1. This is really May-day, so full of sweet memories of the past & of one dearer than life, whom I cannot see, but
is not the distant, the dead, while I love it & long for it & mourn for it, here, in the genuine sense as truly as the floor I
stand on? I have had a ride with C. & a walk with F., have had plenty of time for reading, especially Greek, & have
rather enjoyed this part of my vacation. It seems so strange not to be going to school that I imagine I have just come
here & am just domiciled for the first time, instead of being on the point of departing. I have not yet heard from my
father so I cannot tell when the important event is to come. H. has kindly given me permission to take what books I
please from the Atheneum & I have actually in possession the long-wished for Sartor Resartus.* I was much frightened
when I went into the large building, but H. had given me a written order & I had but a word to say. The librarian is a
German, Pfeifer, & very interesting, & fabled to understand uncounted languages. I had some fears that the book might
be beyond my comprehension

*Sartor Resartus is an 1836 novel by Thomas Carlyle


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but I have as yet met with no difficulty. it is very interesting & I am highly pleased with it. I shall desire to read it
several times before parting with it, & tonight I intend to have a great feast of reason. Whom shall I invite to partake?
Of all I know in the world now, there is but one whom I love in my heart of hearts, one whom I truly respect & whose
esteem I desire. True, that one is entirely out of my sphere. She is known to me, for a cat may look at a king, but to her
I am but one of the vast unthinking multitude that she scorns. Shall it not be my aim in life to make myself worthy of
that only one? Ah! when life is short, why cannot we sweeten it with some little love? Why must people be changed
into icicles? I have been reading Mrs. Adams' Letters & have been pleased & instructed. How true it is that we imagine
a writer so much superior to his works. I concede this lady to be sensible & educated, but to be sure, rather behind the
times now. She says that as Eve first trusted the tree of knowledge & smarted so for her curiosity,


woman has ever since been afraid to touch, taste or handle any thing of the kind. But surely if woman was the first to
try the delicious fruit, by what law of justice or humanity can she now be excluded so rigorously from that intoxicating
world of wisdom? Thank Heaven! a brighter day is dawning for poor benighted woman. May I do a little to aid the
great reformation, a widow's mite,--if I enter the cause with some remnant of my angel's zeal, I may hope for some
success.

Sunday, May 3. I have finished the renowned Sartor Resartus, & now for my opinions of it. First, the value of the
reasoning; and what does it prove? It pretends to be a Philosophy of Clothes, or rather, properly, the life and opinions of
Herr Teufelsdröckh, the author of a Philosophy of Clothes. The first part treats of this novel volume, gives extracts
from it, & discusses its merits. The origin & influence of Clothes. They were first worn from vanity & not for the
warmth they afford. Part second is the life of this singular German, & is the finest portion of the work. After bringing
him safely through childhood, puking & muling in the nurses' arms, the


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editor introduces him into the mazes of love, & here are many beautiful ideas & thoughts. But his beautiful Blumine
proves false & then he is in despair. Here he neither dies, nor goes mad, but the light is extinguished from his soul and
even the existence of a God is doubted. He wanders over the whole earth without object or hope, a prey to melancholy,
but at last the truth breaks in upon his soul & he finds himself in the bosom of his Father. Here all is holy and sweet and
beautiful. Man, he says, weighs his pretended merits and then expects a certain amount of happiness for reward & thus
is disappointed & thinks himself miserable. Whereas, if he did but confess that he deserves to be hanged, as
undoubtedly he does, he would think it a mercy to be shot. In book third the original work is again referred to, &
especial notice is taken of the influence of clothes. By clothes, of course, mere cloth is not meant, but all that renders
the invisible visible. The Earth-Spirits speak in Faust: "T'is thus at the roaring loom I fly, and we are for God the
garment thou see'st Him by;" begins to have some meaning. On the whole, I have been greatly pleased & instructed. It
will instantly appear


that I have no experience in reviewing, but now I am going to practice analysis & synthesis, & not for yet my little
rhetoric entirely. From a second reading the book will doubtless become clearer to me, & I can keep it as long as I
please. Today I have been reading over & making copious extracts. What would the good folks say, did they know one
half my wickedness?.. Emma Stacey is the most intelligent young lady of my acquaintance at present, & I desire to
cultivate her friendship. She is reading the works of Hugh Miller* & I mean to read them also. She is very ambitious.
Beecher says the time to be ambitious, if ever, is when all is dark & we cannot see our way clearly, not when everything
is favorable for ambition. According to this, I need not be ashamed of that most inspiriting motive for exertion now at
least, for I cannot see how I am to get an education. It is mere foolishness to indulge in dreams of Vassar Female
College. My heart however is strong, & I will do with my might what my hands find to do, in order to accomplish this
great & most desirable object.

*Hugh Miller (1802-1856),a 19th-century Scottish geologist


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Wednesday, May 6. My father has come, quite suddenly at last for he had not written, and tomorrow I start for home. I
think, indeed I know, that I am very glad to depart. My father is very delightful and very kind and appears perhaps to
love me a little. But I am so exceedingly mauvaise & froid & every way disagreeable, not, however, quite so bashful as
usual. It may be that at home I shall learn to converse with ease and propriety, and I imagine that I shall be sufficiently
happy this summer. harry is going to be away to school but I shall have Jenny left to me, & Mary I am prepared to love.
Of course, I do not intend to broach the subject nearest my heart yet a while, but from something my father said
incidentally, I conceive that he does not consider my education by any means completed.---What with packing &
farewell calls, it has been a busy day & I must retire by eleven at least, in order to be fresh for my journey tomorrow.
So I can say but a few words of my most affectionate partings. I went to Miss Tompson's & had the cruel misfortune of
finding mon amour out. Is it really probable that I shall never see her again? So it seems now, for Grandma intends to
sell the house, so


I may never even be in Portsmouth again. It is very sad to leave our loved ones forever, and without a last kind word &
smile even. I shall ever remember the precious moments that have given evidence of the slightest regard from her,
though I have no hope that her most devoted but humble admirer will ever more awaken a passing thought in her
celestial mind. I have seen her lately looking so sad that my heart ached for her & I would willingly bear her trials if I
might thereby mitigate her sufferings. The ogre was most formidable, but I managed to survive the encounter, & came
off the field with flying colors. I am not sorry to leave her, though I suppose I ought to have some compunctions in
expressing so boldy my sentiments, for she thinks she has done her duty by me, & perhaps she has, but not very
agreeably... I also saw [Saber], & had a most affectionate parting. We are to keep a running fire of letters, & I have
also promised to correspond with Miss Emma Stacey (care of W.M. Shackford), but this I don't exactly relish, she is so
superfine.


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Saturday, May 9. Je crois qu'il faudra cacheter mes pensees dans la langue francaise puisque mon livre est tout a fait
expose. Au mois il vaudra mieux se servir d'un mot ci et la pour tromper quelqu'une. First then, for my impressions of
my novel situation. Nous sommes arrives a onze heure, Jeudi. Ma novelle mere a ete tres bonne pour moi & I love her
vastly. She is so pretty et moi si mauvaise! La maison ess tres jolie, quoique'il me semble assez petite, apres celle de
ma grand'mere. Mais bientot, je m'y ferai grand plaisir. Mon pere me tient pour sa propre fille et je suis tres heureuse
en son amour. Ce que me semble bien change, c'est que je parle beaucoup, san que je sis debarasseee le moins du
monde. Ma chambre est assez jolie et je parfaitement contente. I shall be so very happy this summer. Jenny is a sweet
darling, & Lucy is my firm friend. Greek has not yet begun to propser but I shall not delay much longer. My chief
difficulty now is comment je trouverai ma tante et ma grand'mere. Je les ai vues un fois et je crains que I shall have
some trouble in avoiding both Scylla and Charybdis. le sais que je dois les aimer, mais elles ne sont pas tres lovable.
God help me to do my duty; [but] qu'est-ce que


lui? Je ne le sais pas, personne ne le sait ici. La Samedi est seulement to go courting. Father has been so kind as to
promise me a piano, & I am even going to take lessons in Hartford! Glorious indeed. From his great liberality I am led
to take some hope for my cherished project. Harry is going away immediately & I cannot but hope it will be greatly to
his advantage to be from home a time. I am sorry to confess that he is rather awkward & so very shy, afraid of mon
pere especially. But he is very lovable & interesting. He reads much, but principally novels. I cannot seem to collect
my thoughts this evening. I go from one thing to another without order or precedence. I must, however, speak of
Lucy's call. I was somewhat afraid to meet her at first. She has been in H. so I did not have the pleasure of seing her
until tonight; but we had a nice confidential talk & will soon be as thick as two peas. It is wonderful how she is
improved. She is very ladylike & intelligent & speaks so correctly, all provincialism polished off. She thinks of
reciting to Mr. Bissell this summer & I hope to persuade


father to let me accompany her. Mon pere is so nice & agreeable, & it is so very nice not to be afraid of him, & I am so
very glad to be at home once more. But I have so much to say, that I do not know when to leave off. We retire early
however & I dare not stay any longer.

Sunday May 10. Elle est charmante! Et si jolie! Et elle aime mon pere, mon frere, ma soeur et moimeme. J'ai ete a
l'eglise et j'ai entendre parler le grand predicateur, M. Bissel, mais je ne l'ai pas trouve tres interesant, too plain spoken
perhaps, et il dit trop de l'enfers. M. n'y est pas aller, parcequ'elle n'a point en une bonnet a la mode. I went to Sunday
School & fancy I shall like very much. They think so much here of "beaus". Is it, then, all that a woman lives for, to be
married? Has she no higher sphere than merely to entertain the other sex? I know not. Mon pere says I am to go to
school at Wilbraham next winter. That will suit very well. I do not care to go to a particular place until a year hence at
least, & this little


time I must do my best. But I greatly fear it is all a myth upon which I am feeding my imagination. I have never heard
of it but once, & then in an old review, & probably it is quite exploded now.

This evening we all went out in the fields & made wreaths of the beautiful violets, then sat on the piazza, & enjoyed the
delicious fragrance of the cherry blossoms & the sweet mildness of the air. Then callers came, & I could not but notice
how superior was M. to the country [gawkys] about here. I have not yet had any time for reading or study, but after
Harry is gone I shall endeavor to be very regular. I have not seen Lucy today, but I have been building air castles about
the excessive studiousness we are to have.... We have a chapter in the Bible to prepare for Sunday School, & I feel
quite proud to think that I shall be able to read it in the original though of course it is only by myself.


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May 11. It is so intensely hot that I can not keep my light burning long enough to write much. The change from the last
few days is very sudden. This morning I wrote to F. & a long letter to Sadie, and this afternoon went over to grandma's
& staid to tea. The piano is shockingly out of tune and I could hardly play any thing on it. Lucy & [Susan] were there
& I enjoyed it somewhat. S. is very pretty and graceful, indeed I have always thought her superior to her sister.

12. Lucy has been making me her confidant and such queer secrets as I have been intrusted [sic] with. I did not know
that she was so old & expert in the ways of the world--and yet so simple. I am inclined to think that she has fallen some
degrees in my estimation since the first evening. She is ambitious, but somehow I am afraid we shall not get along very
well this summer. [Theodore] book is said to be coming here soon, I am only sorry

Thursday, May 15. I have been reading a charming book, Bertha and Lily*. Surely woman has in her something noble,
something higher than bread and butter. If ambition is right in man, is it not also right in woman? Shall she not seek
with all her strength to elevate her sex above its present degraded position, seek to attain her proper sphere in the world?
Great changes, it is true, have been wrought within the last few years. Woman is now deemed worthy to practice the
divine art of healing, & the great success of Miss Anna Dickinson is a proof of her capability for public speaking. The
true sphere for every one is that for which his capacity fits him, and to no other ought he to aspire. But the ages onward
roll & still the world progresses. Nothing can be stagnant, we must grow better or worse, and God cannot let this people
continue forever in ignorance and blindness. If men would only learn to let the dead past bury its dead, and to live & act
only in the glorious present.

*Bertha and Lily; or The Parsonage of Beech Glen, A Romance, by Elizabeth Oakes Smith, 1854


The past is as indefinable, as uncertain as the future, & why do we continually revert to it for instruction & precedence?
This very present is all I can call my own, what is gone is only the bridge by which I have reached the living now. How
glorious is eternity where all is the ever-present Now, the visible Here. We live only in the present. No other time has
any semblance of reality but is a vague dream. The past moment is gone for ever & never can it be distinctly recalled.
[Morals]---Improve the present moment. Let not a second pass onward to eternity without bearing the record of
something accomplished, something done, if nothing but a determination, a purpose, but much better the act or true
thought. More veneration would make the world happier. Did we but respect entirely our fellow men, we should love
them more purely, serve them more willingly. It may be doubtful whether there is a person so utterly degraded that
there remains not one speck of good in him, not one quality that can be respected.


God help me to become a true woman, true to myself, my inner nature. Let there be no hypocrisy in my soul, no deceit.
Truth is beautiful & brave, strong to love and strong to ..., follow the truth. I feel within myself the promptings to a
better, a holier life. I know that I am not always to be a mean, cringeing [sic] felon, but that I am to do something, no
matter how humble, for the benefit of my race. No one can live without doing either good or harm to those in daily
contact with him, & O! let me strive to do & to be something befitting to my womanhood. And now it is my duty to
love and to study. I have books & I have something of a "foundation" as Grandma says, & there is no excuse for not
improving this summer. Mr. B. finds it impossible to attend to Lucy at present, so we shall probably study together. I
am somewhat in advance of her in most things & I presume I shall occupy rather the position of teacher.


Friday, 16. It is very easy to be good on paper but practice is entirely different. I always resolve to rise early, and now I
have no excuse for not doing so, for I retire so early that I have plenty of time for sleep. the only time I can get for my
Greek lesson is before breakfast, and since I have returned i actually have not read a chapter. I have been to a little party
at Alice G's. I find the girls of this village are for the most part very inferior. One would not imagine they had every
studied Grammar, their language is so excessively incorrect. In justice, I must say that Lucy and Susan present
remarkable exceptions to the general rule. But they evidently feel their superiority, and are very proud. True, they have
a right to be proud for they are doing their best to improve themselves; & so far, they have succeeded well. They are
ambitious. They need to go into society to polish off a few rough corners, & then they would do very well. Susan is a
strong Copperhead & really makes herself rather [dis..picable]. They both seem slightly to look up to me, I hope it is
not ... to say so.


Saturday, May 17. I am retrograding instead of advancing. I know that I am excessively commonplace. My sphere in
life is very humble. What dreams have I been indulging? Do I imagine that a poor country-girl, a simple farmer's
daughter can ever make a mark in the world? That she has a right to ascend into the higher regions of refinement and
culture? My aspirations are growing weaker and feebler day by day, and I am losing every vestige of self-respect. I
even begin to feel inferior to my friend Lucy. I have been reading some of her productions and really begin to entertain
some respect for her ability. Ah me! how conceited is the heart of the fool! I can no longer deny that she writes much
better than my humble self. She is fluent, and careful in the selection of her words, & I believe manifests some talent,
but several mistakes in Grammar have been apparent to me. Auntie gave me to understand that she


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had published some articles, but our private confidences have not yet progressed so far. We are going to recite to each
other daily, after school, in French, Botany, & Geometry, and I am inclined to think we shall make some little
improvement. I intend to be very industrious and really study to accomplish something, and if I cannot yet write, I can
be cultivated. O how limited is woman's sphere of action! My words are weak and pusillanimous & my phraseology
very defective. I ought really to undertake some method of improving my diction. I must practise analisys [analysis]
and synthesis.

Sunday, May 18. It seems strange to be in this heathen land after my Pharisaic grandma's house, where no regard is
paid to the Sabbath. I do not say that I dislike the fashion, indeed I curry it to the utmost degree. And for me it is the
greater sin, for I have light. I cannot help thinking of the parable in which the last state becomes worse than the first, for
at one time I thought myself a Christian. Now I almost hate the


name, and wholly despise most of the hypocritical professors. If I apply the rule of love, how far short do they fall. F. I
am certain has not a spark of love for any neighbor, hardly for her own family, while M. who is not a church member, is
very lovely and loving. I rather like going to church, but thing vexes me. There is but one pew occupied in front of
ours so I do not have a good opportunity for indulging in my favorite science. I attend Sabbath School and have quite
an interesting young gentleman for teacher. He may inspire me with some respect for his religion for he seems a brave
soldier of Christ. This evening we have been down in the meadow and gathered a number of bouquets of the beautiful
wild-flowers of all varieties. Then M. sang, so sweetly. She has a fine voice and a powerful, and sings very prettily.
Harry is going tomorrow and I shall miss him vastly.


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May 21. I have been an hour trying to teach Jenny her spelling lesson and now she cannot spell the first word! Where
lies the fault? I am sure I have been patient, going over and over the lesson, quite as disagreeable to me as to her. At
last I threw down the book and rushed away in tears of sorrow, not anger. Perhaps if she loved me she would try to
please me, but she shows a deep aversion for me while she overwhelms M. with her love.

May 30. Somehow I never seem to feel much interest in my journal when at home, though I certainly ought to find
enough to write about. My life is not particularly monotonous, at least not as much so as when at Portsmouth. I am
now quite domesticated in my home and I suppose I have found my proper place therein. In the presence of my father I
am not yet altogether free from embarrassment, and I fear I do not improve in this respect. And in company I am at
times exceedingly awkward. As for my relations with M., je suis staisfait, c'est a dire, je ne suis pas


disappointe. J'ai su qu'elle n'etait que de l'ordinarie en esprit, mais elle est tres bonne pour moi, tres sensible, et pas le
moins du monde desagreable. Je crois, enfin, que je l'aime. Je suis forcee de racommoder mon garde-robe mais I have
not revolted for I know it is for the best. Harry is now at school, likes very well, and writes me nice letters except in the
spelling. And now for Jennie. A marked change has come over her. I almost think that she loves me. Tonight she
chose to have me put her to bed in preference to M. herself who was intending to go. She understands that I read better
than M. and that I tell acceptable stories, and this perhaps is the secret of her good will. I have been reading to her
Longfellow's Golden Legend and she seems to have quite a penchant for poetry.


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Tuesday June 2. I have today recited to Mr. Bissell in Latin, in company with Lucy. He is very pleasant and kind but
particular and perhaps he will in time take the place of Mr. G. in the catalog of my friends. Of course, at such times he
cannot speak of the truth as it is in Jesus and that is all the more agreeable to me. We both had good lessons and are
going along very fast. He showed us his Hebrew and Greek books, pointed out the differences of the two languages and
the particular difficulties of each. Greek he pronounces comparatively easy. My researches in this department have not
amounted to much since my return, but perhaps, if circumstances are favorable, I shall prevail on him to be my teacher
here also. --- I am now commencing another month. Already one third of the year is gone to return no more, and during
this last month at least I have made but little improvement, morally, intellectually or physically. Only perhaps under
M's example I have


grown more gentle and forebearing [sic] to those with whom I associate. She has wrought a good work in this family,
Jenny is a much better girl than formerly and I think that mon pere is somewhat improved under her gentle
ministrations. This summer is not to be waste time with me. My opportunities for studying are to better than I had
imagined and if I am diligent I may make some progress. Vassar Female College is still a favorite idea with me, it is
never long absent from my mind and I have formed in imagination a perfect picture of the whole even to trifling
minutiae. My roommate seems as real to me as many a person I have known. Shall I not believe in the old adage,
"Where there is a will there is a way"? I have written in a composition that faith and energy can gain all things that it is
possible to gain and is it not true? But perhaps this impossible. Pshaw! Napoleon had no such word in his vocabulary,
why should I?


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Friday June 11. Lizzie has come. I need not say how glad I am to see her once more, and what bright anticipations I
have of happiness this summer. I have been to the Society of my aunt's and there I met my friend, among scenes and
faces that vividly recalled the memories of the past. She is as merry and joyous as ever, full of fun, yet perfectly self-
possessed and graceful. She plays splendidly and with wonderful ease, and I could only regret my own inability. She
and Lucy do not harmonize at all. I do not yet understand which of the two makes the discord. Lucy is the one who
suffers by it. In the presence of both I am always attracted to Lizzie, and I imagine that Lucy feels some resentment.
Certain it is that the former comes much nearer my ideal than the latter. Lucy has not a good disposition, perhaps she
would say I'd better look to home. Doubtless I am very much pleased with Susan the more I see of her. She is trying
hard to rectify all accustomed inaccuracies in grammar and pronunciation, and she grows more polite daily. Probably
the secret of my dislike is that they are strong ... at heart.


July 17. One month of the year I write fifty pages, another, not one. So it ever is with me. The phrenologists say I am
very defective in continuity & I daily experience the truth of it. However I do not write now to invent excuses but to
record an event relating to Portsmouth life. In a late letter from aunt F., I received from Mr. Meinerth a stereoscope of
the residence of C.H. Ladd Esq. Do you not think I prize it--fraught with such sweet associations of his person who
materially relieved the dreary monotony of that year and whom I shall ever remember with affection? I do indeed. It
may be the height of foolishness for me to aspire to friendship with Effie--no, that is of course impossible, I should say
for me to worship her with such idolatry. Probably she has passed from my sphere entirely & I shall never have aught
to do with


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her again. I have had the audacity to write to Mr. M. expressing my thanks, a real schoolgirls letter--so very immature.
Nevertheless it goes tomorrow and I shall expect and answer with eagerness, but probably without success.

Aug. 3. Time passes quickly now. Josie has been here the past week & has effectually prevented journal writing; even
had I the desire. She will stay until after my departure for Wilbraham.* I cannot say that her influence over me is one
of the best (I know that each one of us must exert some influence over all those with whom we are associated) nor is she
a girl with whom I should choose to have intimate connection. I am nearly certain that she has never read any thing but
novels and love stories and she is in her element only when [flirting]. I think she is naturally good hearted but her
character has deteriorated by indulgence and flattery. I do not mean that she affects me much--still as my guest I am
obliged to entertain her and give up much of my time to her. In regard to M. my feelings fluctuate daily, even hourly.
Her language is at

*Wilbraham & Monson Academy is a prep school located in Wilbraham, Massachusetts. Founded in 1804, it is one of
the fifteen oldest schools on the eastern coast of the United States


times so very ungrammatical that it makes my ears ache to hear her, and again she is really cross and disagreeable. Our
triffling [sic] disturbances are thought and acted and shown in the tone of voice or slight expression, never thouroughly
[sic] open. And even then the fault is chiefly my own. From my own experience I could never doubt the truth of the
doctrine of total depravity, harsh as it seems, and when I look at others I am disgusted to perceive an entire absence of
piety. I should like to be a disciple of Christ but---Alas I can give not reason for not being one now.

Mr. Bissell had the grace to tell me one evening that I was getting along "bravely with my Latin and from him such an
expression of satisfaction is worth something. At one time I was strongly tempted to give it up but I gained the victory
over my lazy propensities and persevered. I am now reading Virgil and it is sometimes rather hard to pick out the
heterogenous stuff this hot weather. The words are so mixed up I should


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think they had been thrown together like Hussy's Jeu de Mots. I am learning to scan now and the lessons in the
grammar are tedious but nothing can be gained without labor.

Aug.4. Josie writes a journal and I have again commenced to be regular. In two weeks I am to go to Wilbraham. I am
glad to go. I do not really suppose that is a very superior school but experience is the best test and I shall not have long
to wait to form an opinion. It may be very fine and I may learn something, at any rate it will be better than my life here
for I can get no chance to study more than Latin lessons. It is an open question whether my education is to be finished
there or not. I know nothing of the plans of my father, nothing of the state of his finances except that he has lost heavily
in stocks this summer and that he has not gotten me a piano although he gave me the promise of one. It is my great
desire to have a college education & I shall use every means to bring my plans to a consummation. As I grow older I
realize more vividly the rapid flight of time. This summer


has seemed very short to me when I look at the very little that I have accomplished. Two weeks will soon pass and then
for labor once more. I intend to work very hard for if I would succeed it is very necessary to form habits of unremitting
industry early in life and another incentive is that my youth is fast passing away. Josie already considers herself a
young lady and seems to think I should envy her gay city life, but in my calmer moments I certainly do not, though I am
sometimes fascinated by her spirited accounts. I wish I had a habit of application of mind. Last night I made a series of
good resolutions but they afforded me but little aid today. (I wish I could write as fast as I can think but I cannot do
both at the same time and when I would write what I have thought is gone from my memory and I write only the most
trivial things.)

I have decided in my own mind what I shall study the first term: Greek, Latin, French, (German at some future time)
Algebra, Geometry & Bookkeeping. I shall also take music lessons.


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Aug. 5. Ann awoke Josie & myself this morning at half past five, as usual, and after hesitating a few minutes we arose
and dressed and went down to breakfast after the others were seated. Father had returned from N.Y. the night before at
twelve and we had not yet seen him. A simple "How do you do" passed between us and we took our seats. I presume
his business was not successful for he was morose and taciturn. To the best of my memory he spoke only once, and to
ask how high the thermometer had been. After waiting a moment to give M. a chance, I answered Ninety-Eight in the
piazza but it is very warm there. That was the extent of conversation. M. did not speak at all except once or twice in
some civility of the table. Josie had just read a letter from her mother and gave some triffling [sic] messages that
elicited no remark, then asked father if he had delivered a letter intrusted [sic] to his care. He replied that he had not
seen her pa but had left it at his office. All then relapsed into perfect silence which remained unbroken during the entire
meal. I was sufficiently uncomfortable, for I saw Josie was wondering but she has said nothing. After breakfast I
tended to the bird and as there was not milk to skim nor butter to churn my


my regular labors for the day were ended. At seven Josie and I went down to the road to give a letter to the stage. Then
I had my room to put in order while Josie read which occupied until eight. From hence to dinnertime I mended
stockings and did other sewing, interrupted by eating a luncheon and shelling the beans and husking the corn for dinner,
enlivened by a short reading aloud from Josie. M. was cross all the morning but through the day the changes were
sudden and entirely independent of any agency of mine. The dinner was not quite as taciturn as the breakfast for there
some questions to ask about Jenny's school. Shortly afterwards Josie & I withdrew to our own apartment, where I
studied Latin some time and then wrote a letter to Harry. It was after four when we came down, and I had intended to
take my sewing. But Josie's solicitations induced me to take a walk in the meadow. We waded in the brook a while and
then read -- she the Woman in White,* I, Racine. That book is redolent with sweet memories of little sayings & doings
of my beloved teacher. Many of my tender sentences remained on the pages, & when I consider that she must have read
them

*The Woman in White is an epistolary novel written by Wilkie Collins in 1859, serialized in 1859–1860, and first
published in book form in 1860.


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I can no longer doubt that she knew of my love, and now the remembrance, softened and strengthened by time, of many
moments when she regarded me kindly, lead me to believe that she was not altogether adverse to my affection.___ In
the evening my cousin and myself went "over there". She said she thought my grandma & aunt very pleasant indeed,
and we have arranged to go over to practise very often. It is now after eleven. Josie has been asleep some time and
when I have reviewed my Latin lesson I too shall seek a short oblivion from the cares of the world.

Aug. 6. I read the papers regularly and thoroughly. At first I undertook it for the purpose of letting nothing relative to

V.F.C. miss my eye and I am also much interested in the war news now. I have never received the least light on the
object of my search but I do not yet despair. If my memory serves me it opens next spring. Even if I am never
connected with it, it will always be an object of intense interest to me. Today I saw two young ladies from Wilbraham.
If they are a specimen of

the students there I shall despair of any decent society, for they are of the lowest class. They are visiting Amelia and
some weeks ago two others were there. None of them however are going back, so they will not affect me. I am certain
I shall never have any of them come to see me if this is the prevading style. Amelia is not going back at present and she
thinks I am sorry but she is very far from the truth. Today Josie and I were talking about the society here, calling some
of the girls real countryfied when a remark from her induced me to say that I too was a country girl. "Are you?" said
she, "I was born, bred and brought up in the city" in a tone of immeasurable superiority. Is it then such an inestimable
advantage to have lived in the city? Are all country girls in so very inferior to their city cousins? We shall see. Alas! I
am utterly disgusted with myself and every one around me. Is woman really incapable of rising above the emptiness &
vanity of every day life?


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Aug 15. Josie and I have given a party. It was really quite a grand affair for the place and every thing passed off
comme il faut. Thirty-six were invited, twenty-four present. the same old kissing games that have descended from so
many generations are all the vogue and any thing else is barely tolerated, but I think I am getting more reconciled to
them and do not feel so much disgusted. I imagine it would be very pleasant to go into society, flirt and receive
attentions from the gentlemen, and that in time one could hardly live without; but still I am not dissatisfied with my
destiny, I am glad my lot is cast in a different sphere, but it is not in the heart of man to see others enjoying great
happiness without wishing to partake of it. Josie gave me much pleasure the other day. She said suddenly, Oh! I have a
compliment for you. Your father said at the breakfast table that in another year you would be prepared to enter college!
It is not for the compliment that I record it, but that it indicates that he has thought of my going at all. Oh, if it could be
true, if I could really go!


Aug. 17. Sunday evening an event happened that to say the least was entirely novel to me. The lights were lit and I had
just settle myself to my Latin (for I am even so wicked) when there was a knock at the door and in came two young
gentlemen, Mr. Warner and Mr. Griswold or Frank & Charley, and they actually staid until after twelve o'clock!
Principally on Josie's account I submitted but I perceive that M. thinks I am always going to do so. In this she will find
herself mistaken.... MY conscience reproaches me for not having been more neighborly with my aunt and grandmother,
for they have indeed good reason to complain of my neglect. There is but very little sympathy between M & myself and
now I begin to fall back upon my aunt. I do indeed love her very much. Tomorrow we have all got to go down to Mrs.
Barnes' to spend the afternoon. For myself I would much rather be excused but I suppose I shall be obliged to go. Then
in the evening we are invited to take a ride with the above mentioned gentlemen. I should like to write much more but
my eyes trouble me.


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Aug 20 At last I am Wilbraham. Father & myself left Windsor at nine and after a pleasant ride arrived at the depot at

W. From hence we rode in a stagecoach two miles through an agreeable country with a line of steep hills on one side.
At last we reached the school. It is a very handsome building, beautifully located & entirely surrounded by trees. The
boarding house is spacious and magnificent from the exterior and rooms inside are as good as can be expected in such a
large family. I have the misfortune to occupy a back room on the fourth floor, but it has the advantage of facing the
west, and I shall enjoy the setting of the sun and the watching for "my star". The prospect is also pretty if the eye does
not happen to rest on the yards & barns of the building. In short I think I shall like it very well in time. But its worst
feature is its occupant. I must confess I am disappointed in my roommate. She is nineteen, very tall and proportionately
awkward and though professing to understand

English Grammar perfectly, yet mangling it shockingly in conversation. Father tried to get me a room by myself but
found it impossible. If I can manage it I shall endeavor to change my chum however. I am very tired and though I
intended writing more must defer it until tomorrow.

Aug. 27. I have been so negligent in writing during the whole of this summer that now I actually forget it when I have
an opportunity of indulging myself, and usually I am so tired and sleepy by the time my lessons are learned that I do not
feel much like attending to this duty. I will now however give a short account of the regular manner in which the days
pass.

In the morning I am generally dressed about half an hour before breakfast which is in the vicinity of seven o'clock. This
time I spend at my physiology after having made the bed and put the room in order. At table the gentlemen sit on one
side and the ladies on the other. The students number about three hundred and fit


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three long tables. My opposite appears to be a foreigner, and though he is very attentive to all my wants, yet we never
speak. He seems so solitary that I really pity him and I would talk with him if I could but the beginning is almost
impossible as I have not been introduced. I have found out in a roundabout way, that his name is [...ltz] Next to him is
a gentleman with whom I frequently converse though I do not even know his name. He is in my class in Geometry &
not a particularly fine scholar though rather intelligent than otherwise. On one side of me is a Miss Brown and
sometimes Miss Bella Morgan, both of the first standing in school society. The other side is indefinte and indistinctly
marked. On the whole I am pretty well satisfied with my seat and usually enjoy the hour very well although the fare is
not of the best. About five minutes after breakfast the bell of the Academy rings and I go to my class in Physiology.
This recitation is not particularly interesting, the effect rather of the stupidity of the pupils than of any fault of the


teacher. To say the truth the lessons are usually very well prepared by the class. At nine the bell rings for prayers when
all the students assemble in the chapel, and besides the proper exercises, generally listen to some remarks from the
Doctor. After this I write for an hour and then my lessons for the morning are over and I repair to my room to devote
the next two hours to French translation and Geometry. The dinner hour is a little after twelve but my duties sometimes
oblige me to lose this meal. At one o'clock I go to French. I am the second scholar in the class and I do not expect to
gain much benefit from this study as I require rather to be drilled in composition. We are reading a very useful and
entertaining book however, Madame de Stael's L'Allemagne*. The class is animated and of average standing. Next
comes Geometry. This has always been my favorite study & I take great pleasure in comprehending

*Anne Louise Germaine de Staël-Holstein (22 April 1766 – 14 July 1817), commonly known as Madame de Staël, was
a French-speaking Swiss author living in Paris and abroad.


the propositions. The teacher, Mr. Chester, is very kind and loveable and one feels perfect confidence in his ability
which is more than can be said of Miss Tompson. The class is composed of a superior order of students and I enjoy it
exceedingly. From three until a quarter past four I prepare my Latin lesson, and at the expiration of that time, go to
recite. What shall I say of this lesson? I do not think I can properly define its attractions but I feel that I would rather
give up any other study than this. The principal points of interest center in the teacher and one of the pupils, the first
especially. His hair and eyes are of a jet black and the lower part of his face is covered with whiskers of the same dark
color. [Thus] his power of magnetizing is very great.


Oct. 9. 1863. Auntie writes that I ought to keep a Journal, it is such a pleasure to refer to past scenes and emotions. My
last letter to Emma Stacey was a dissertation on the advantages of Journal writing, (be it understood that our
correspondence is not the frivolous and aimless letter writing of boarding school masses, but has for its object our
mutual improvement in reflection and expression). I frequently read over the pages of this book with unfeigned
pleasure and perhaps advantage, and I would I had been as faithful the past month as in days gone by. With these
multitudinous incentives to action, I do hereby solemnly and firmly resolve that I will henceforth and forever recall and
record the important incidents of each day in order, or at least write a few words indicative of my success or my failure
in performing the duties incumbent upon me, when I do not feel otherwise disposed. That is a fair proposition and I
confess myself willing to adhere to it; therefore I commence tonight.

If I were to give an account of the time that


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has passed unrecorded, and there were leisure to write the annuls of my labors, before my task were done, the evening
star would shut up the day, the heavens being closed. The day is occupied in the same manner essentially as I have
already described, with the exception that at nine and quater [sic] of three I practise an hour and twice a week write at
eleven. This leaves me two or three hours of the day for study beside the two evening study hours. I find this time fully
sufficient for committing my four lessons. I mean to have my recitations all perfect and in reality I have not exactly
failed while I have been here, though sometimes I hesitate a little. I cannot reproach myself with having wasted my
time so far. Hardly a moment of the whole day passes unemployed, and when I study I study heartily and zealously. I
feel well satisfied with my progress in intellectual things this term, and I think I can say that seven weeks never passed
more advantageously to me. In fact, I am working hard. My health continues unimpaired and for this great blessing I
feel deeply grateful. I will not speak of my chum to night for I am displeased with her and perhaps should not do her
justice.


Saturday, Oct. 10. This is always a busy day with the students. In the first place the room has to undergo a general
cleaning and putting to rights and when that is done there is a formidable array of mending from last weeks wash, to
nothing of the countless gloves and triffling [sic] holes that wait to take their turn today. Then I have to practise and
that breaks up the day in a wonderful manner. This afternoon I went with some of the girls to the summit of the
mountains. The view was truly magnificent. I am too tired to describe it now and in fact it is almost indescribable. I
have enjoyed myself exceedingly.

Sunday, Oct. 11. This day we poor sinners are all forced to go to church like a flock of sheep, but it is fortunate for me
that we are not obliged to keep awake for I should find it hard to obey such a command. This evening I have written
four long letters. It is nearly eleven & my chum is waiting but I must do my duty however.


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Monday, Oct. 12. Today we have had the long promised chestnut walk. At prayers, after a long rambling discourse on
other subjects, the Dr. put the question to vote, and it was immediately decided in the affirmative with great
acclamation. At first I had not the slightest intention of going but I thought better of my resolution and decided to try it.
We met at the chapel and after some delay, at ten we got started. Each of the gentlemen took a lady and we proceeded
in the most approved style. My escort was a Mr. Avon. I had not previously been very much prepossessed in his favor
from what I had seen of him, but today he made himself very agreeable. Soon the whole school were dispersed over the
mountains, a merry company indeed. The chestnuts were abundant and the day perfect. I and my companion climbed
to the highest point in sight and the view was exceedingly beautiful. I have never seen any thing equal to it. On the east
was the fertile valley of the Connecticut, blooming as a highly cultivated garden and radiant with the golden colors of
autumn. We grew very poetical under the genial influences & I could not have enjoyed myself more.


Tuesday, Oct. 13. Miss Evans, my dearest friend here, is very sick and will go home tomorrow if well enough. She has
studied so hard as to seriously endanger her health. She is a splendid scholar and a very fine girl, perfectly refined and
cultivated and as good as she is wise, but I think she has done wrong to sacrifice her life to little book knowledge more
or less. She was to graduate in the spring and it will probably be a sever disappointment to her to be obliged to give it
up thus. She is from Evanston, Ill. and cannot come back such a distance very readily.

Wednesday, 14. I wish I felt more like writing. When the time comes to lay aside my physiology I feel nearly
exhausted and very little like putting my thought on paper, but perhaps it will come easier to me when I get in the habit
of it once more.

I have lately received a letter from Sadie. Among other things she says that at the White Mountains where she has been
staying some months she has been intimately associated with Miss Sarah T. my old love, and that she now thinks her the


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most fascinating person imaginable! Now Sadie used to be one of "mon amour's" most bitter enemies, and I consider it
quite a triumph for my dear love to say nothing of my wonderful powers of penetration in discovering her superior
qualities even under the iron mask of daily school duties. If under such unfavorable circumstances she has appeared so
surpassingly lovely to me, what would I not give for a better acquaintance with her, to gaze deep in to the unfathomable
orbs of her hazel eyes, to press lovingly her gentle hand within my own, to view with her the fairy like loveliness of that
beauteous land and to catch from her the lofty enthusiasm that such scenes would inspire in her noble breast. I find that
in my inmost heart I have lost nothing of the passionate idolatry I have always entertained towards her. If she were only
here now I should be perfectly happy. But as it is, her place is not entirely destitute. Mr. [Shumway] is now my beau
ideal of manly beauty. He is my Latin teacher & he looks as if he might be a perfect Machiavelli if he were not a good
Christian. His prayer are very beautiful as it is.


Saturday, Nov. 21. The close of the term approaches. The school is regularly dismissed next Tuesday, but a great
proportion of the students have left today, and among them my chum, so I am now left alone in my room. Every thing
is in perfect order tonight and looks so cozy & comfortable; but just as I was congratulating myself on the prospect of
passing a very pleasant evening, Alice Regina, a little girl from the south, came and entreated me to sleep with her as
she also was left alone. i was obliged to consent, though with bad grace. I have half an hour longer to myself however
and I will endeavor to improve it in estimating what I have done this term.

It is miserable thing to be motherless! I have no one on earth in whom I may confide with perfect love & confidence, no
one that I feel cares for my well-being & rejoices in my happiness. It is especially bitter to be left alone after having
experienced the love of a mother like mine and it grows more & more bitter as I grow


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older and feel daily more nearly the need of her sweet guidance and counsel. I have no one to whom I can speak of my
plans for the future, & no one to encourage me in present labor. My father is very good and I love him dearly, but is
impossible for him to take the place of a mother.

Consequently I have not taken as great interest in success as if I had someone to please especially. Yet I have not much
cause for dissatisfaction in point of study. I have gained the reputation of being a good scholar and I feel that I deserve
it. I rank first in all my classes, except, perhaps, Physiology, as there are a good many excellent scholars in that. My
grade perhaps will not be perfect, as at first, a stranger & bashful, I was not acquainted with all the rules. But that will
make but little difference with me personally, for I feel that I have done my best here. The last few weeks especially I
have careful not to injure my health and I now feel strong and vigorous for the winter campaign.


Sunday, Nov. 22. The day is lovely. Yesterday it rained all day and now to see the sun once more is very pleasant. I
am sitting by my open window on the fourth floor, the church bells are ringing sweetly, the rays of the sun fall bright &
warm upon me and by my side are my Greek books but I do not feel like studying now. There is the bell for the prayer
meeting & I think I will go as it is the last time.

I should like to give a good description of my chum, that in after years I may have something to recall her to
remembrance, but I do not find the words at my command. However I will try to say a little of her. Her name is Fannie
[Shillman], she is nineteen years of age


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Sunday. Nov.29. I am now at home for a vacation of one week. My father is the best and dearest of men. He takes
much interest in my studies is proud of my success--my grade was No. 1.-- and best of all he has almost given me
permission to study Greek. At least he has not forbidden it. I summoned courage at last to last him when a good
opportunity offered; the question had been at my tongue's end all the day. It has long been my day-dream; what will
Mr. Chester think now--will he be pleased I wonder? My father is so good and kind, I love him to distraction. For the
rest, the family politics are in about the same state as when I left. I spent the Thanksgiving with Grandma, and it
seemed to cool my father's kind feelings toward me, and I had reason to fear that he was seriously offended. As a
natural consequence, the last few days have not been very pleasant to me. But tonight he is very kind. Ah! he has never
been unkind, it is my own foolish perverseness & awkwardness.


Friday, Dec.11. Back at Wilbraham again and Lizzie with me. No Greek this term. My father waited several days,
leaving me in sweet & untroubled hope, but at last came the fearful mandate that English studies must suffice for this
term. I have taken Rhetoric, Latin & Bookkeeping only, with three hours of practice. I do not feel exactly contented for
I feel that I might be doing more, but everything else that I desire to study comes in the hours that I am engaged in other
things. I am pleasantly situated, but I feel miserable tonight. ...

Saturday, 12. I have a very pleasant seat at the table. My opposite does not speak, but the [waiter] who sits next him is
very agreeable, in fact, the most desirable gentleman here for conversation. He is in my Latin class and a very fine
scholar. His name is [Ayers]. Opposite him is a Miss Holman not very remarkable, and on the other side of her one
Miss Felton whom I like very much. I believe our division is preferable to any other-



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Tuesday, 15. We are getting along swimmingly in our Latin. We have now forty lines of Virgil a day and very soon we
are going to get it up to seventy. Mr. Ayers desires to enter college at the close of the spring term, and to effect his
purpose, we must read five or six books of Virgil this term and enter Cicero in the Spring. Some members of the class
demur at this proposition, but it suits me exactly. Dr. Raymond is a splendid teacher. He makes his class on Rhetoric
the most interesting of any of my studies. He occupies a considerable part of the hour in conversation relative to the
topic under discussion, and some of his remarks are very appropriate as well as instructive. Perhaps one reason of my
partiality is owing to the fact that I have very good lessons and that he appears very well pleased with me. Mr. Harvey
is the teacher in Bookkeeping. I recited to him in Physiology last term and liked him very much. He is terribly stern
and unapproachable but the class is large & I do not come in contact with him to any great extent.


Wednesday Dec. 16. Lizzie has been giving me an account of one of the numerous squabbles between "our set" in
Poquonock, herself & Lucy on one side, Amelia and Josie on the opposition. It is so perfectly childish and yet
malicious that I wish now I had not importuned her to favor me with the recital of her woes. Is it possible that they
slander me behind my back in the same way? Yet I have no reason to suppose otherwise. Lizzie's character does not
excite in me an emotion of admiration--she is sitting by my side and if she could divine what I write, would she not
think me as deceitful as Amelia? I believe I am generally very careful of what I say about my friends, but now I must
be still more so, and never say a word if I cannot praise. I wonder if there is any such thing as friendship in this world?
Is it true that familiarity always breeds contempt? I cannot respect these girls. Effie & Miss Evans I think are the only
girls of my age that I have ever really loved.


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Sunday Dec. 20. When I write so seldom I never know what to write about. I think for the time that my journal is a
stranger instead of the well-known friend of [yore] and I forget that he is interested in the commonest events of my life
and that here I may be as conceited as I please and talk about nothing but myself.

I have got into Mr. Ayers bad graces by advocating the cause of abolition and almost about Woman's Rights. The other
ladies can never speak when a topic of interest is introduced and Mr. Ayers turns to me when he is in earnest, at other
times I am rather silent. I try to impress my mind with the necessity of doing my share towards sustaining the
conversation but I lack courage to speak often of my own accord. Not that he ever is at a loss for words, for he is an
incessant talker, but it is not always enough for the conversation to be all on one side.


Monday, Dec. 21. I am a fool, and what is worse, I know it. I wish I could deeply impress my mind with Carlyle's
ideas of happiness, but I am always thinking that I deserve better treatment than I receive. I cannot conceive what
induced my father to send me here in the first place, to this old-fashioned, Methodist, School. Now that Miss Evans has
gone, or at least has left the school, there is not one truly refined & cultivated young lady, one whom I can respect and
who is capable of making me nobler and purer. Perhaps I might make an exception in favor of a certain Miss Jenny, but
I have not much acquaintance with her--have only heard her recited in the Rhetoric class. If it were not for Mr.
[Shumway] I could not survive it, but he is going away in the spring, & what I shall do then I cannot imagine. I wish
one were not obliged to live.


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Wednesday, 23. Last night I did not retire until one, tonight I am too sleepy to study at half past seven. I agree with the
physiologist that nothing is gained by burning the midnight oil, and in future I mean to retire punctually at ten. I am
very irregular in my habits and I must strive now to attain a greater degree of regularity. Yesterday I received a letter
from father. He had just returned from New York. Annie Murray & Camille Gaylord are making a visit at our house,
and next week they with father & Mary are going back to N.Y. But what most concerned me was that I am to stay here
at school as long as it is to my advantage to do so. He says I had better not graduate next term, not take too many
studies and be careful not to injure my health. Mon pere est un bon pere, et ma mere est une bonne mere. A class in
light gymnastics has been formed to day & I have joined. It is all the vogue in school now.


Thursday, Dec. 24. Christmas eve! and spent in a very un-Christmas like manner, for I have done nothing but knit all
the evening. Lizzie is quite sick today. She seems to have caught a bad cold and has been very feverish, but I have
been nursing her and she seems to feel better tonight. I am in hopes nothing serious will result. On her account I staid
at home from the Interview, and as I am not a Sabbath School scholar I did not go that festival. It would be very nice to
receive a box from home about these times, but father is in N.Y. so it is useless for one to think of it. The teacher in
gymnastics is a student from Amherst, handsome, intelligent & polite. He is very expert in his vocation and enthusiastic
in the cause. He is to give twenty lessons for half a dollar. The exercises are very entertaining and create much
laughter.


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Thursday Dec. 31. or rather I should say Jan. 1, for it is now after twelve. I meant to write oceans tonight--that is, the
last night of the year, is it too late now? I have been trying to keep Lizzie awake until the new year and she got quite
[wrathy] under my system of tormenting. I succeeded however and had the happiness of wishing her a happy new year-
pardon. Je voulais dire de lui souhaiter la bonne annee. I have my Latin to learn yet ... I do not feel much like writing
sentimenatlly. I am to have an essay for Open Society--a great and unexpected honor which is likely to overwhelm my
weak nerves already surfeited to the full with conceit. If I could only write a splendid composition, replete with wit and
learning , unexceptionable in style and taste and calculated to delight and astonish "u" and "i", I should be a happy
mortal.


I have been making new and repeated experiments in my "favorite science", and if I am not grossly deceived , I have
been strangely successfull. [sic].

"i" has splendid eyes, large, full, liquid, melting at times, again cold & unpitying. Most of his pupils are afraid to look
at him; I am not. I can make him look at me almost instantly, in church, at the table, at chapel & in class. He also
magnetizes me. After Latin he walked down directly behind me, it was slippery & I loitered behind the others. He has
never spoken to me except when compelled to do so, but now I tried to make him ask me if I had ever scanned. I could
not. I do not give up. I will try until I conquer him. The speech a man has held with God & the Devil will tell itself in
every turn of his head, every jangle of his laugh. He cannot help that.* Is this man very good or very bad?

*...the speech your soul has held with God and the Devil will tell itself in every turn of your head, and jangle of your
laugh: you cannot help that. The Atlantic Monthly, Vol. XL, p.11 "The Promise of the Dawn: A Christmas Story",
1863.


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He is much the most intelligent and profound of any of the teachers and he is well aware of the fact. Sometimes I am
convinced that he is a very devil; the evil flashes from the unfathomable depths of his burning orbs, and his very attitude
is purely wicked. Sometimes there is love & melting tenderness in his eyes, when he speaks of holy things, and a soul
pure as light, true as Gods gospel, looks out undismayed & unashamed. Thus I read him, & he is unreadable, to me, at
least. Do I confess it, I who thought that I know him so well?

Thursday, Jan. 7. Today I went into Mr. Shumway's class in Algebra. We are in quadratic equations & I do not find the
examples difficult at all, but the recitation will take one valuable hour. I have now only three quarters of an hour in the
daytime for study, beside the evening and three difficult studies, but I suppose I shall manage to have good lessons. My
essay is now a dead weight upon my spirits. I despair.


Jan. 8. I like Mr. Shumway & I like to be in his classes for he thinks I am a good scholar and always refers to me in
contested points. He looks at me with his eyes, & I look at him. I have been trying to make him lend me Evangeline or
the Courtship of Miles Standish but I am perfectly impotent. I wish I had power. I go down to the Reading Room every
day after school, for half an hour. It is of no use for me to write thus when I am half asleep.

Jan. 9. I walked to the depot this afternoon, about five miles through the snow and cold. I have been several times
before & always resolve that I will never go again but I enjoyed my solitude very well. I have written to my old chum
tonight. I write miserable letters as I do every thing else miserable. I am disgusted with my self but I don't see as being
disgusted helps the matter much.


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Jan. 17. Open Society is over at last and my essay has been read. I am sorry to be obliged to confess that it was a
miserable failure, but such is the fact and facts are stubborn things. It was well clapped, owing to the friendliness of
Ayers & Clapp, and I have received a sufficient number of encomiums but I have no faith in their sincerity. I [lugged]
in a compliment for Miss Ray & the next day she received me with an angelic smile, and most affectionate kisses &
embraces, and declared that she almost love me. Alas! poor human nature! Shumway is the only object that interests
me and consequently the thing that I can write about. I mean to fill up this book with his name & then consign it to the
flames. It appears he is actually going the next term & we shall see him no more--



Sunday, March 6, 1864. The last Sunday of the term we are not obliged to go to church so I will spend a while in
pleasant communion with my ancient friend. Before speaking in general terms of my intellectual progress, I must
describe an event of recent occurence [sic] that is causing much excitement in the school. On Washington's Birthday a
large company of students went to the house of a Secesh family about a mile from here, hurrahed for the flag, and made
some violent demonstrations, breaking several pains of glass in the encounter. A lawsuit was instituted by the injured
parties, & yesterday the case was tried in the vestry of the Methodist church. I never attended a court before and I was
very much interested in the proceedings. The lawyer on our side was very smart, and awakened quite a degree of furor
among the students; but as the judge was Secesh the case was decided in favor of the plaintiffs. It has been referred to a
higher court, however, and there is not doubt but that we will gain our cause eventually. There is intense excite


*Secesh: a U.S. secessionist


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ment about it, impromptu indignation meetings in all the halls, and a general feeling of detestation toward Secesh in
general and that vile judge in particular. Every one wears red, white & blue, and we cannot eat our meals without the
flag over the door. Some of our best students are among the criminals, and two of the Dr.'s sons with the others. One
boy, Olin Wood, who was known to have been in the house all day, was convicted, in the very face of Mr. Shumway's
evidence. On the whole, it is a shameful proceeding, and will not reflect much honor upon the plaintiffs.

Now that the school term is ended, it remains for me to state whether or not I am satisfied with the amount of labor I
have accomplished. I think in imo pectore, that I have done as well as I have known how. My lessons have, I believe,
been invariably perfect, and I feel that I have met with marked success in my labors generally. In Latin I am first in the
class, indeed, Mr. Shumway said that I was the best Latin scholar he had since he had been here--quite a compliment
considering the source. In Algebra I frequently do examples that none of the


others can perform, and in Rhetoric I am at least second. I also feel that I have done pretty well in music. Miss
Raymond has said that I was the best pupil she had ever had, not the best player. I am far from that. Father wrote me to
bring my music as he wanted to see what pieces I played, and I am indulging the hope that I may find a piano when I go
home. I have acquired a thorough knowledge of Book Keeping, and feel competent to keep he Books of any
establishment. The improvement in my conversational powers has been almost imperceptible, but I flatter myself that I
have gained rather than lost in this respect. I have formed many pleasant acquaintances, have some warm friends, and
one name to add to the list of truly loved ones, Miss Libby. She is a charming girl and I love, honor & respect her with
my whole soul. She has gone home sick however & as she is not coming back it is very possible that I may never see
her again.


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Respecting my relations to "[S]" it is difficult to speak. He hardly every addresses me, but he is not averse to looking at
me with soul-subduing eyes. At one time I passionately adored him, then I hated him with the bitterness of scorn &
detestation, and now I am half indifferent & wholly undecided. He is consumately[sic] lazy except when he is aroused
by extraordinary occurences[sic], but he is very powerful when once his will is called in play. He is a delightful enigma
to me, and I think I could never tire of watching & studying him. In two short days, however, he goes, and next term his
place with be filled by another. The last day that he conducted prayers at the chapel he read part of the chapter Kings
II,2, implying that his mantle was about to fall on his successor; but I am sure no one can fill his place in my estimation.
He is coming down from Boston to be present at the examination of our Cicero class, but is sixteen dreary weeks before
then. Can I exist without seeing him for so long a time? He is very attentive to Mary Raymond and they are said to be
engaged. Success to them!


Monday, March 7. My last Latin lesson to Mr. Shumway has been recited. He expressed himself well pleased with the
progress of the class & not ashamed of Miss Ladd. It seems that before I came in, he was speaking to Miss Ray of my
humble self. I do not like to sully these pages with the silly flatteries she repeated to me, and indeed, I have forgotten
most of them. He said that of the thousand Latin scholars he had had five hundred here and five hundred elsewhere, I
was the greatest-genius; that I had not failed once since I had recited to him; that I had written a translation of fifty lines
which was perfect, &c, &c. How elated I felt! Nothing is so sweet to me as praise when I feel that I deserve it. I am in
good humor with myself and everybody else tonight, and I am so happy I can hardly conceal my joy. Yet I am full of
sorrow when I think that this must shortly end. The Dr. goes to Middletown tomorrow to procure a new teacher, a
ranting Methodist probably.


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The question arises, am I better, purer, holier, than at the commencement of the term? Truth compels me to answer, no!
I am aware that the influences that have been brought to bear upon me, have not been for good, and I feel that I am
lower in the scale of being than ever before. Alas! I have not yet given myself to the Good Shepherd, and
consequently, life is all a dreary blank. I despise a woman whose every thought is not in perfect subjection to the will of
her Maker; I perceive that every person here of true beauty of character is a child of God; and I see the perfect bliss of
serving Him manifested in his countenance and wrought out in his daily life. And yet I cannot humble myself in the
dust, and take up my cross and follow Jesus. Nothing is more beautiful than a life of religious devotion. Nothing makes
life worth the living but the consciousness of loving God and his image in human beings. Cui bono ego? Will my life's
work be done acceptably, at last?


Thursday, March 10. I am at home again and well pleased to see those I love once more. My father is the best and
dearest man upon the face of the earth. He has been so good as to buy me a piano and a splendid one too! The tome is
remarkable for its sweetness & clearness. My only wish is that I might be able to play more brilliantly.

Saturday, 26. Back at school now. My room is third floor front, not particularly pleasant inside but the prospect very
fine. I think I could never tire of looking at these grand old hills. I have somewhere read that mountains lift the soul up
towards God and noble thoughts and deeds--that when one continually sees the grand works of nature, the sphere of his
mental faculties is imperceptably[sic] enlarged and he cannot return to mean & petty actions. Something of this I have
felt gazing day after day at these gray and barren, yet majestic hills. When they are clothed in the vernal hues of Spring
they will become beautiful, even now


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when the sunlight lies bright & warm upon them they are so, but today is cold and dismal and gives them, to my
unsophisticated eyes, a solemn & even sublime appearance. I think I could learn to love them very much. Mr.
[Kimpton] once compared them to sin shutting out the rising sun of righteousness; but the comparison was not forcible
for I would rather dispense with the sunlight an hour or so than lose the agreeable train of thought awakened by these
hills.

My chum is Irene Dibble. She did not come until today, but, from appearances, I think I shall like her very well, though
she is not particularly brilliant. She is said to be a coquette.

My father has given me permission to study Greek! Now that I write it, it seems wonderful--almost the realization of
my cherished plans! Still it requires considerable courage and I confess that I have faltered; for I shall be the only girl in
the class, in fact, the only girl that studies it at all. However


I am determined not to give it up. Let me look steadfastly at my noble example, Miss Evans, and at the end I have
proposed to myself, and, confident of success, le me press onward with earnest will.

Our Cicero class is very pleasant. There are about thirty members; the two classes in advance of ours, with several
[scattering], are thrown in with us, and it is our ambition to equal if not excel our competitors. Mr. Ayres is doing
bravely of course, and doubtless expects to lead the class. I have not recited yet, but I mean to study harder than ever.
Would it not be glorious if I could stand first when Mr. Shumway comes! This shall be my aim, and, as I have a good
reputation already, I do not think success will be difficult.

My other recitation is Botany. I suppose it will be dry at first, but we are anticipating delightful walks in due season---



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Tuesday, 29. I am now [duly] established as a member of Mr. Chester's class commencing the Greek Grammar; and,
what is still more wonderful, Pelton is with me! Mr. Bussell appears to be the best scholar now, and he is really very
intelligent. There are six other gentlemen but none of them are opimatium [sic]. Mr. Chester I heartily admire. He said
to me, "You are going to try the Greek, are you, Miss Ladd? I wish I had half a dozen more." He is a very firm teacher,
pleasant, and remarkably thorough.

Strange to say, I am again in Mr. Ayres division, and that by his own invitation. I was rather surprised, as I know he
does not like me because I am too fond of expressing my own opinion and not sufficiently sensible of his assumed
superiority. Perhaps also because I was a better scholar than he under Mr. Shumway's tuition. Nevertheless I like my
seat. My opposite is Mr. Cook, a returned soldier, not much of a beauty, but very good & sensible, and ranking high
intellectually & socially.


Apr. 9. My chum is low and vulgar and will do me more harm than good. She is such a rattlebox that I cannot study
while she is in the room,and it is degrading to my social position to be associated with her, for in no sense of the word is
she a lady. Yet she is rather pleasant and obliging after a fashion of her own, and I have nothing to do but to endure my
cross as patiently as possible. I have been unfortunate in the matter of chums. Never have I had one that sympathized
with me entirely. Fannie S. was good and noble sometimes & Lizzie I loved but still they were not exactly to my mind
and now it could not be worse. I wonder if there is a being in the world I could love & respect? I think I have known a
few but the trouble is they did not reciprocate. I am naught but an idiot anyway and a most fearfully conceited one at
that. There is a new music teacher here whom I particularly admire. She may be destined to usurp Miss Sarah's place.


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Apr. 23. I am going to write the records of our breakfast-table, or rather of our division generally. Doubtless it will be
more interesting to me than anything the Professor can say. Let me introduce you to the Dramatis Personae. First is the
Autocrat in propria persona. If you wish to recognize him you have only to give a local habitation and a name to your
ideal of Young America and you have him before your eyes. It is his sole ambition to be president of these United
States, but he also counts it some honor to lead the Cicero class. He is generally a good talker, free & easy, of tolerable
good-breeding, and the one element that saves the division from mental starvation. At his left sits my opposite, the
Professor. He does not say much but when he does speak he hits the nail on the head. It is my fault that he is not more
loquacious. I do not draw him out. My left-hand neighbor is Mary, rich but underbred, bashful, self-conscious, always
making mistakes. I would describe myself but I am not


equal to the task. The center of romance sits farther up, her opposite at present a booby, herself an ignoramus. The
others are all good children and faithfully obey the old-fashioned role of being seen & not heard. I have now laid down
the premises--from time to time I shall take jottings of the arguments.

May 7. Let me interrupt the records of the breakfast-table for a few moments to speak on a topic of more absorbing
interest. Mr. Shumway is here! He is the most handsome man I ever saw. His dark eyes sparkle with the scintillations
of genius, his hair would make the raven's coat look brown and rusty, his teeth are pure pearls flashing radiantly from
out their setting of midnight darkness. His features are faultless yet nearly of the swarthy color of the Ethiopian and that
he is himself a negroworshipper renders him still more to be admired in my eyes.


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It is fortunate that I have this secret valve to let off the steam, otherwise I fear I might explode sometime & do myself, at
least, considerable damage.

I went to walk this afternoon & as I was returning, tired and dirty, one hand full of mosses & the other of flowers, I met
Mr. Shumway between two other gentlemen. The sun light flashed in his face & almost dazzled me with the brilliancy
of the reflection, but I believe I passed them in safety, bowing to Mr. Shumway with the utmost decorum. I have been
trying to remember how he looked. He smiled pleasantly but whether at me or at something Mr. Harvey had been
saying, I could not determine. But I was disappointed that he did not stop & ... speak to me. Beyond this I have only
seen him across the ... .....?


May 8. I am disgusted with Mr. Shumway, & I am not going to say another word about him.

This morning the Autocrat was entirely alone & had to sit in the girls [section] & pour his own coffee. Mary & Miss are
going to [Oregon} four weeks before the close of the term. I am wondering who will be the Autocrat's opposite then. I
would be very glad of the honor but I know I do not deserve it. Probably too the professor ... [go] distracted if I were to
leave him.

The examinations [commence formally begins] now) tomorrow evening. Mary [dreads] them but she will undoubtedly
pass whether she [fasts] or not.

I had a [Medley] with Belle Morgan & a duet with Rita Berry at [Open] Society. The [Medley] was something new &
took very well, in fact was an [undoubted] success.


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May 21 There I sit looking at my new chum & she says tell him your sleepy & must go to bed. Yes! in a minute. Our
noble brother had a grand match game of ball in Springfield with the Easthampton ... & conquered gloriously. We girls
have been excited in their behalf.

Sunday, June 6. I never feel like writing, it seems, but when Mr. Shumway is here. I went to walk with my chum last
night, she expecting to meet her brother in the ..., but he did not come. In his stead whom should we see but Mr.
Shumway himself, large as lie and twice as natural. Mary Hall, however, mistook him for her brother, and was
hastening to meet him, dragging me after her. Suddenly she discovered his identity and turned around in dire confusion.
Then we hastened up the "... walk" to avoid seeing him and after marking some time returned just in time to catch is eye
at the Dr.'s window. The whole affair was most foolish & ludicrous.


Friday, June 10. I have just returned from Society. I am strangely excited & I fear I shall not be able to express myself
very clearly, but I must say a little about the exercises. Miss [Pierse] was in the chair. She makes a miserable President,
she has no confidence & is continually making mistakes, nevertheless we managed to get through. Just as the disputants
took their places Mr. Chase & Mr. Welch came in. Our discussion was not as animated as usual, in fact it might be
called dull in comparison with our accustomed brilliancy. I spoke, but not well at all, yet my side won. While Miss
Merrit was reading the Classic Wreath Mr. Clapp & Mr. Russell entered, afterwards Mr. Holman & finally Mr. Ellis.
They all spoke very encouragingly to us and gave us almost too many compliments for sincerity, but Mr. Holman bore
the palm for eloquence. After


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lauding the Athena's in the usual style, he branched off upon Woman's Rights, and here I could say "amen" to every
word he uttered. He said that woman might be eloquent if public opinion were not bigoted and so harsh, that it was in
her and only required opportunity to prove itself-- that we ought to be most thankful for the privileges we enjoyed here
of cultivating our powers of argumentation-- that we ought to very very diligent in the performance of our Society
duties-- & that perseverance alone was needed to make us true women. Then Mr. Ellis spoke & strongly advocated a
discussion for Open Society. It was quite a coincidence that immediately afterwards the [bills] were read with the
discussion on the programme. I feel greatly encouraged to go on and do my best for the good of glorious old Athena. I
have a prophecy [O.S.] and I mean to do my best.


I suppose I may look upon this as the happiest time of my life. I have not a care in the world that is really crushing. I
am enjoying the best of educational advantages, my social position in the school could not be more to my taste. i am
naturally retiring & quiet, but I feel that I have many true friends here and I think not one enemy. I will give some
recollections of yesterday's experience, just to show how happy one day may be made by the merest triffles [sic]. At
breakfast I sat opposite the autocrat, my present lean idol of manly beauty. Our conversation was very interesting and
inspired in me a feeling of contentment towards all the world. I walked up to prayers with Beth Morgan, my most
intimate friend, and was somewhat elated by a little morsel of flattery she granted me. Coming down Mr. Ayres walked
by my side & made himself most agreeable. In the


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Cicero class at ten I met with a signal success. The usual limit of our reading is fifteen lines, on review. I read forty and
I read them well, "if I do say it, as shouldn't." My cheeks burned & I was well pleased with my success. Miss Ginny,
the Valedictorian, read after me, and this inferiority of her translations was palpable. (Thank fortune I have one place
where I may be egotistical to my heart's content). From eleven to twelve I wrote on my Essay and scraped up some
ideas that pleased me pretty well, and sallied forth some encomiums from Mary Hall. At noon Mr. Smith, quite a pretty
little bug, brought me a letter from Harry. I don't know when I have had a letter that has given me so much pleasure. I
really begin to think my brother loves and esteems me. My afternoon recitations were perfect and my French class
unusually intelligent & kind. In the evening I solved a problem that had long been troubling me, viz. the examination of
that same French class. I have an idea now and I expect to succeed.


Wednesday, June 15. I should rather like to finish up this book before the term is out and if I can find anything to say I
think I shall do so. But still it will seem like parting with a dear friend to close forever these kind pages. Though I have
been far from faithful the past year, and have written but little from my heart, I have ever regretted my "somnolence,
corpulence & temerity."

I have been to the Interview tonight. They are really quite agreeable affairs when one gets used to them. I walked every
time but once and enjoyed myself very well. I was introduced to Mr. [Cowell] for the first time, though we have been
here together for three terms. I never appreciated him fully before. He is really quite a genius and his powers of
conversation are wonderful for Willbraham. Walked out with the autocrat as usual. To say the truth


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I am getting more and more disgusted with that fellow. The Cheney girls are [shining] around him and I am in hopes
they will take the [Holman's] places, for in that case I shall escape the professor also, for of course I should not stay in
such a position. The autocrat's plan of attack in his overwhelming [defeat] is to pass the last examination in the Cicero
class & to have the best oration on the stage. Probably he will succeed for he is a go-a-head-a-tive Yankee who always
does what he means to do. But such wonderful egotism as his I hope never to behold again.

My Essay is finished and ready for the Doctor's inspection. It is almost a week beyond the time appointed and I am a
little ashamed of that part of it. Then it is a most miserable affair in itself considered that will appear on the stage. I
have not tried as I ought to have done.


Monday, July 11. That happy term of school life is over and I am only sorry that more of its pleasures have not been
recorded in my journal. I would like now to give a resume of the closing scenes, but where shall I begin? The
Exhibition, I suppose is first in importance. My Essay was rather well written but it was hardly adapted to public
reading and I cannot call it a success although it was clapped by ... Andrews. Mary hall bore the palm among the ladies.
The valedictories were remarkably fine, and next to Mr. C... ranked the Autocrat. The Interview in the evening was
crowded and of course most pleasant. I walked every time as usual and had the Autocrat's company home. I had felt
proud because I went with him to Open Society & Pierian Exhibition & had been his opposite, but I ... him & he was
shallow. To be sure, our party was warm & we promised to write, mais quoi donc?


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I said I should rejoice to see his success in life but I should not, for I know it would not be for his country's good. He
has not the elements of a true, devoted noble-hearted man. He is supremely selfish and his talent, though passable in the
boy, are not such as will distinguish him as a man. And yet, I like him. Perhaps, after all, his Yankee go-a-head-ativeness
will carry the day and he will become famous. Oh if he were only good, a Christian I mean, he would be
almost perfection. I agree with Mary Hall in her sweeping assertion that no man can be great unless he is good. If so,
what is woman without the Christian graces? A very incarnation of evil. My dreams of ambition are dead. There is
nothing in a woman's life but to love and to be loved. Alas! I am so ugly no one will look twice at me. M. is
continually twitting me on my want of grace & beauty.


July 21. I have received a letter from my old chum, Fanny [Shillman], tonight, and it seems her old flame for Mr.
Shumway is in a state of complete preservation, which proves simply that she has no new one yet. She does not hesitate
to say "I admire him, I reverence him, I love him and always shall" with the woman's fondness for underscoring. My
passion might be in danger of reviving, were it not for the memory of his perfect indifference towards me, his total
failure to recognize his quondam adorer. And yet, how I have loved that man! it is singular that each of my chums has
been a great admirer of his, but some of them have equaled myself in hero-worship at this shrine. Uttered not but
comprehended has been my adoration. Says one, Talk not of wasted affection, affection never was waster. True. It
enricheth the heart of the giver, though the loved one be cold and relentless.


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We were disputing about slavery today, when Lizzie said, There is worse slavery than that, at the North, here in our very
homes. Look at Woman! The Spiritual lecturers about here are strong Women's Rights. I confess I am disgusted with
my ideal of perfect equality. My sole object now is to get an education. I graduate at Wilbraham next spring, taking the
Valedictory, in all probability. But that is not enough. I shall never be satisfied with the paltry amount of knowledge
possessed by those who received diplomas three weeks ago. After the Academy, my ambitious hopes aspire to the
College. Harry has as yet no desire for a Collegiate course and M. once more than intimated that father would be
willing to send one of his children to College. He is a north man. He is educating us liberally so far. I think his
finances are prospering, for I hear nothing of hard times in this ... [Family].


Aug 1. I have been to Boston the past week. Auntie kindly offered to pay my expenses and of course I could not very
well decline, although I would much rather have staid at home. The pleasure to be found in promenading the dirty
streets of a city this warm weather is not especially overpowering. I do not like my aunt. She is so confoundedly mean
in the first place that there is no comfort in going with her. Then she is continually maligning my friends on this side of
the road, and she is moreover inherently cross and disagreeable. But how wickedly ungrateful I am to think so of one
who has done so much for me. I am a firm believer in total depravity in my own case at least.


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We have a new girl coming tomorrow who has been living in Waterburg. ... knows--perhaps bah! ... that I am.

I return to the ... ... in two weeks.

I write a line here and there but my pencil cannot keep peace with my thoughts so there is no connection in my
composition.

Aug 10. By the merest chance, I saw the other day a notice of the Vassar Female College. It has really an existence and
is not an imaginary creation of my own. The committee have decided not to open the college until the fall of 65', just
the most convenient season for me. But how am I to broach the subject, I wonder? I am verily afraid my sweet father
will never give his consent to such a Quixotic scheme. Sure an I that I by no means


deserve such an unspeakable boon. There are to be accommodations for three hundred ladies, but the Times
correspondent seemed to think that about that number had already applied for admission. Perhaps there will be room for
me. I do not write with my usual enthusiasm on this all-absorbing topic, but a college education is my aim and I am
determined not to be balked.

Harry returned today. He is very tall and so strong and manly that I feel ashamed of my little insignificant self in his
presence.

Lucy, Susan, and I, have been talking over old times tonight. The auld lang syne has many attractions even though the
dramatis personae are not particularly aged. I like those girls very much. I think they excel Lizzie in general
intelligence. [Lizzie] is slothfull [sic]--thus are ambitions in the [extreme].


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Aug. 22. I am at school. I am afraid I shall not be able to endure the burden I have imposed upon myself for the term.
This is the first day of really hard labor and already I feel completely overcome with fatigue. I am now well established
in my studies and I will endeavor to "give an account" of my plan of operations for the day. I prepare ten or twelve
pages of [Mental] philosophy before eight, so am of course obliged to rise in good season. Then I practise until nine
when we assemble in the chapel. After prayers I recite Greek an hour, Mental [Science] an hour and German an hour,
which brings the day to twelve o'clock. After dinner I go down to the office, change my dress perhaps, and amuse
myself generally until half past one. Devote myself to my Greek lesson until two, read an hour, study Chemistry an
hour, recite the next hour and return at five


to tea, immediately after which I practise another hour. By this time evening study hours commence when I finish
Greek, prepare my German lesson, and perhaps read or write a while. This is the record of today but I have only two
hours of practise yet. Three is the full complement.

Dr. Cooke, the new principal, is a fine teacher and just the man for his position. The music teacher has a perfect
knowledge of her art and teachers scientifically, but beyond that is a nonentity. Mr. Wood is the professor of German
and natural science and so learned a man it has never been my fortune to meet before. He knows every thing and what
is more he is going to teach it to us. I like him. I shall take him under my special care.


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Aug. [22]. I thought I had not studies enough to occupy my time so I have commenced French again. I find that
although I have been a teacher I am very ignorant of the language.

My music rests me so completely that I feel strong fro new effort after practising an hour.

Mary hall has been down here tonight so I have not studied. I feel compensated, however, by one morsel of joy she
granted me. Shumway said I was the best scholar he ever knew, and recommended me as a chum for Mary.

Aug.29. I have been sick since I last wrote. Est-ce que mes etude me [generer]? Je ne vent point penser comme cela,
c'est toute autre cause, mais je hais M. Bois. Il ne m'aime pas comme le faisait M. Shumway. Il est un bete--un animal
sauvage.


"Where I was raised" "Keep your mouth shut"
[Upside down on top of page]

Sept. 4. I like Mr. Wood very much. He is remarkably kind in all his classes and one cannot but respect him for his
infinite learning. After my little sickness I went to him to get excused for my absence. I had heard that he had called
me a very foolish girl for studying so hard and I felt displeased with him--what business was it of his? But now he was
so kind to me. I blushed and trembled for I am afraid of him. He said, "One sometimes accomplishes more by
understanding less. You must not study too hard." It was so considerate of him to show that he understood I wanted to
accomplish a great deal, and to tell me how best to do it. Still I shall not profit by his kind advise [sic]. I can learn my
lessons as it is & I shall do it. But when it comes to compositions and Classic Wreathes it is, I confess rather hard work.
I have written five letters this evening. Now I hope I shall have some in return.


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"So she was" "Yes she was" "The wind is howling and the rain drops are keeping to it's ..."
[Written upside down at the top of the page]

Sept. 11. I had a gay old time last night. There is a great revival here and Mother Ray has taken me under her special
charge it seems. She went on in the true Methodist exhorting style, while I made fun of her to my heart's content. I
wonder if I shall ever become "..."? I don't see much hopes of it now--I have the character of a hardened reprobate in
the school. The graduates last year were without exception, Christians. The candidates this term are invariably
Methodists. It is you see, rather surprising, to say the least, that I, the best scholar in the school, should remain
incorrigible. Mother Ray compelled me to go to Class meeting last night and then got up & boasted that she was doing
her best to bring one lost sheep into the fold, & wouldn't they help her with their prayers? Whenever they prayed for
"arrows of conviction steeped in blood," she squeezed my hand awfully. O, it was rare fun. I could hardly keep sober.


Good reason why "because" you room with me.
[Written upside down on the top of the page.]

Sept. 14. I don't enjoy myself at all this term. I study hard and have pretty good lessons, but the trouble is I have not a
single friend and I feel so "alone". Mary Hall & Annie Noble are the only ones I associate with and neither of them
enters into my heart of hearts. Go say the truth, I am getting tired of Mary. There does not seem to be much sympathy
between us. She has a fashion of rather ridiculing me sometimes--then we are both of us too selfish, the rough corners
do not seem to fit in very harmoniously. Besides, there has never really been any intimacy on my side. As for Annie
Noble, she approaches more nearly my ideal--she is a very fine scholar and has much general information, but her
intellect has been cultivated at the expense of her sensibilities. She is utterly devoid of feeling. Belle Morgan is the one
true friend I have ever had & she is gone. Among the gentlemen, there is not one whom I do not heartily despise. The
fact is I am sadly disappointed that the Autocrat does not write, & this it is I suppose that fills me with such [spleen].


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Sept. 1[7]. I had a paper in society a week ago and it was said to have been the best that has been read this term. It is
pleasant to have such a success, very pleasant, but tonight I was appointed quite unexpectedly first on the affirmative in
the discussion--and--well, I lost my side. it made me feel rather badly, but I don't suppose it will seriously affect my
happiness in this world or the next. I had a letter from Belle Morgan today. We are bordering rather too near on the
sickish sentimental in our correspondence--it is well & adapted to her style but when I attempt it I am apt to overdo the
matter. I like Herr Wood--chiefly & principally because I have good lessons in his classes, at least tolerable. Not as I
used to recite to Shumway to be sure--but it gives one a certain confidence in a teacher, to feel that you are appreciated
&t.


M... K... won't tell me what to write.
"In the grand onward march of ages." Mary Hall
[written upside down at the top of the page]

Oct. 9. I have come to a wonderfully wise conclusion in the course of my reasoning. It is summed up in the very
original maxim, "Tempus fugit."
I wish "tempus" would be so kind as not to "fugit" for a little while, for I am very happy in my present life.

Our French class is quite interesting this term. We have been learning some dramas in the original & the other evening
we had a rehearsal in Mrs. Binney's room before all the Faculty. Then Herr Wood sang us a German song & the
evening passed very pleasantly. We are learning a new play now "La Bataille des Dames," and we have just
commenced Bocher's Grammar, a charming book.

I have another thing to record, viz. the affectionate solicitude of brother Ellis in behalf of my spiritual welfare. He was
so devoid of good taste as to broach the subject at Interview, and then he even had the audacity to send me a letter, a
perfect specimen of Methodist exhorting. It is very amusing but, I confess, I felt rather insulted.


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My hopes are withered and dead. My lifedream has proved a failure. Earth's fairest treasure has become a mere illusion
of the imagination and my condition is now that of no hope & without God in the world. Is a reason necessary for these
lamentations? There can be but one. The chimerical idea of Vassar Female College has vanished into thin air. My one
object in life has been to obtain an education and now -- [hor-hor-or-or hor or]. What shall I do. The little knowledge
to be derived from a full course at [an] Institution-like is inexpressibly meagre, and I have been wandering in Elysian
fields of bliss unutterable, feasting my imagination on realities that prove to be ideal & on sure formulations that left me
ship-wrecked. I know of no reason for the abandonment of the scheme, I simply heard it mentioned by one of the girls
some days ago. It struck terror into my heart, and now desolation & despair [in] my daily [comparisons]. Nothing can
console me for this cruel bursting [asunder] of my one sure anchor.


Oct. 18. What startling coincidences there are sometimes in this strange world of ours. I received a letter from Mr.
Ayres today & it has seemed as if every body that has spoken to me since has had something to say about him. I have
been looking back to on what I have written about Mr. Autocrat. [Have] I made a food of myself? Je crois que oui.
What shall I say of the letter? It was two sheets of the prettiest kind of paper, well written & exceedingly interesting,
but betraying his usual insufferable egotism. On the whole I am glad he has written but I know not how to answer him.
I cannot write as good a letter I am afraid & it would be dreadful to have him criticize. No matter--what do I care for
him? I have a composition to finish tonight ... goodbye.


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[Oct.] Is there any use in living? I have come to the conclusion that i ought to be Christianized but what good does the
conclusion? I am too wicked. I am reading Schiller's Thirty-Year's War in German. I suppose it was supremely foolish
for me to join the class, since they have all studied it at least two terms & I am just commencing, but I am very sure I
have as good lessons as any of them. Does my egotism appear insufferable? But I cannot help thinking that I am a
good scholar. I wonder what are my chances for the Valedictory? I confess I have very little ambition in that line-bah!
what's the use of being such a hypocrite here. I know that it would be a terrible disappointment to lose it. Rose
Merrill is in the same condition & she is much more confident than I. Nous verrons.

I have a new object of love & worship in the person of Mr. Chester. I think he is the best, sweetest, most lovable person
I have ever known. A perfect angel in human guise. He is so inexpressibly good & kind to me. Have I ever said
anything then of my devotion to Eva Well? She is a very


powerful girl, will always lead wherever she may be, beautiful, superb manners, everything lovely in person &
character. Mr. Wood I like because he is student, but it is my opinion he will never set the Thames on fire. He is
crammed full of book knowledge and that is his only forte. The reason why I do not like him is found I suppose in the
fact that he does not praise me as Mr. Shumway used. I'll make him, I'll learn my lessons so perfectly that he must
praise my scholarship at least. I believe I have had no compliments at all lately. I cannot live without flattery. The
nearest approach to anything of the kind was in Philosophy Class. Mr. Chester & Mr. Dyer came into the class. I was
called upon to recite on the subject of Friendship although it was not my turn. The author said one might have any
number of friends without inconvenience & I humbly said I didn't agree with him. The Dr. went on to tell some long-
winded yarn but afterwards Mr. C. came to Eva & me & said "I think Miss Ladd is more than half right. He said
something I do not remember, but I know it made me feel pleasantly.


Nov. Last night--Oh how I hate Mary Hall--she is always triumphing over me in every possible way. Won't I be glad
when we part to meet no more! To resume--last night was much eventful by a most remarkable occurrence. Mr.
Russell & I took a moonlight walk! We went about three miles, had a nice time but I am too sleepy now to go into
extasies [sic] over it. I hate myself--there is not one good thing in me--worse than that there is not one thought that is
not absolutely vile. Depraved? That does not express the millionth part of my condition. Is there no healing power in
this wide universe? Go change the subject. I will speak of Mr. Ayres letters. He writes quick regularly and very
pleasantly--and I, I am foolish. I do look forward with pleasure to the day his letter comes. I am reading Schiller's
Thirty Years. [... ... is charming].


Nov. This afternoon has been the scene of another remarkable event. A number of ladies & gentlemen, twelve of us in
all have been in the third parlor, enjoying ourselves to the best of our ability. The gentlemen invited the ladies and we
were treated quite sumptuously with pie, coconut apples & cider. I have made a strange discovery. I believe that
Russell is actually--well, I feel rather delicate about expressing it, but I mean he's growing serious. We played these
silly kissing games that I despise, for children of our size, they seemed superlatively silly, but still I cannot deny that I
like it a little. Mr. ... ... my apple & the seeds ... ..., I cast away the ... being William A! ah yes, ... You seemed quite
amused. Really he has quite put himself out of the way to please me this evening. Success to him.


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It is rumored that we are to have an Interview next Tuesday evening, and that the college boys that were here last term
are coming. We are anticipating some pleasure. What will become of it?

The new catalogues have arrived. My name appears in the Senior Class, and is the only one of the thirteen that is not
from Mass. & moreover, the only one that is not a church member. Our special examinations in Geometry, Physiology
& Grammar are finished quite satisfactorily, I believe. I rather am inclined to think I passed as good an examination as
any one tough it was by no means what it ought to have bee, & though I am heartily ashamed of my want of [prompting]
& accuracy. I am growing to like Mr. Wood a little. He has so much feeling.

So much feeling! I was interrupted at a strange time. A month later I write this: Mr. Wood called me into the third
parlor to talk about the German


class ostensibly. Of course, it was very unnecessary to take so much trouble as that. Come in Miss Ladd, sit down. He
placed a chair. I sent for you, Miss Ladd, to tell you about the German. Well, I don't remember the rest distinctly, but
the result was that the class would be formed if Miss Handy would join. Miss Handy refuses and the class is not. I
thought then that he was making a motion to go and I began to rise also. My heart stood still at the words, I would like
Miss Ladd to speak to you about another thing and lest you should be offended I beg your pardon beforehand. I bowed.
You have been raised Congregationalist? Yes, sir. Supposing this and knowing the difference between your raising and
mine, and watching your conduct, I have assumed that you are a Christian (the memory of Miss Ballard flashed across
my mind) whether with reason or not I do not know. Ah! but I cannot go through with all he said. His two direct
questions


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which he did not press--were, have you considered the subject? and what is the result? I answered I think I have, to the
first; the second remains unanswered. I said I had been raised half a Universalist. Is it so? he asked in a voice of
mournful compassion. There are two other points to notice. He dilated upon the influence I possessed, and told me it
was not rightly exerted my fortunate circumstances and hinted at gratitude--then he said the Almighty had chosen me
for a special work and he feared I wasn't going to do it. Afterwards he spoke of a pure, holy, righteous life, the beauty
of it, the necessity of it. This was the only point that touched me. I loved it then. But again he alluded to my own
salvation. I did not like the theme. It seems crime to me to love God for the hope of reward or at best of escaping
punishment. I would rather suffer the most fearful agonies, for an eternity.


of eternities, than kneel to my maker for the purpose of escaping [them] solely.

Ah! but I do want to be a Christian. Why am I not? I believe the [pride] I feel is being the only graduate that is not a
Christian deters me as much as anything. [Then] my heart is so vile it cannot appreciate the beauties of Christ. It is so
dreary to have no God, to be without hope in the world. I have long felt with my intellect the necessity of a change of
life, but my heart is utterly died & cold. I have sometimes doubted if I have any sensibility at all. I appreciate the
beauties of a symmetrical character. I long to be a servant of the true God. Mr. Mrs. did not tell me what to do. Where
shall I find help? O, I know I have only to take the anxious seat in a Methodist prayer-meeting and everything is
accomplished. I fear I have not faith enough.


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Dec. 20. A heart at peace with God and man, a heart filled with the unutterable joy of believing. I have been through
all the ceremony of conversion in the Methodist style and now I have taken the bonds upon me, or in other words I have
entered into the liberty of Christ's salvation. I pray God that it may be real.

Next in importance, Vassar Female College is no longer a mere figment of the brain but a living reality. It is actually to
be opened in the coming September, and, still more enchanting, I have well-grounded hopes of being one of the pupils.
The realization of my life-long desire! I can hardly comprehend the magnitude of God's kindness to me.

Jan. 1, 1864. I am God's and God is mine. On this first day of the new year, I do hereby consecrate myself wholly and
unreservedly to the service of my God. I would have every thought


of my heart clean in this night. I would have every act of my life in perfect conformity to the will of God. I would have
every word of my daily conversation show that I have been with Jesus and learned of Him. Oh! I do pray for perfect
consecration, entire self-abnegation, a yielding of every thing that is in me to the Lamb of God. Why, but it is so
delightful to feel that Jesus save me, Jesus save me just now. To feel that I have an [advocate] with God the Father even
Christ lives which taketh away the sins of the world. I love thee, I love thee, I love thee my God. What shall I to ...
show this burning love of God that is ....


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Jan. 16, 1865 I have an opposite now--rather a strange speciment of humanity--beautiful eyes, piercing, truthful,
imperious. He is small & I cannot endure a small man. Moreover he is a poet & is always quoting his insufferable
nonsense. But then on the other hand, he skates superbly. The past week we have been on the pond together, the
brilliant moon, the glittering ice, the mysterious forms flitting by, made pleasant dreams. Either he is very wicked & is
trying to deceive me, or he is very good and---loves me. How strangely it looks on paper. How wonderful it seems to
think of it. Is there any such thing in this broad earth---as what the poets call love? Ah! monsieur! I must not write
about him, for I am trying to put him out of my head & heart---no thought [was] no word I ... to use.

I have half a mind to resume this journal writing for a while for variety.


Jan. 26. Moonlight walks are, I suppose, of sufficient importance to be recorded in the journal of a Boarding School
Miss. My escort tonight was not Mr. Russell but--Mr. Sherman. The difference is that between a boor and a gentleman.
I wonder rather who will be my opposite next term--for both will be here. I hope neither, for I always get sick of
gentlemen after one time. By the way Mr. Ayres sent me his picture the other day, stylish just like him, rather good
looking but not noble [talented]. He writes rather pleasant letters calls me My Dear Friend, & in fact is assez
interessant. I hate myself. I am not the pure & holy being I pretend to be to Mr. Sherman. I am one bundle of false...
throughout. My life has been I failure. I am a hypocrite. But I do love the truth. Oh I do want to grow in everything
that is good and acceptable.


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in the sight of the Lord. I sometimes wonder if I have a heart, wonder if I am more than the superficial schoolgirl I
appear. Is there a depth deeper than I have sounded yet? Is there that capacity for suffering that shall make me refined,
beautiful? Is my life to be that of Evangeline? O woman's heart how beautiful & yet how miserable does thy [delusion]
make [thee]! I do not like Mr Sherman fully, & moreover I am very glad he does not like me.

Feb. 7. I have been living by heart throbs. I have found that I have a capacity for loving and that I am capable of
awakening love in others. Yes, I have declared my passion and my mistress loves me! Eva is my love. I slept with her
one night. We remained awake many hours confessing our love. Ah! I cannot say how much I love her; better than
any one in the world. She is beautiful. A skin fair as the foam of the sea whence she .... Eyelids that droop and flutter
and triumph and then rest lovingly over


the witching orbs beneath. She said in her deep earnest voice, I never loved any one as I love you, Kitty. Oh, can I
believe it? Is it true that anyone can love me, homely wicked as I am? I have had my lady-lover before, but I
worshipped at a distance, made happy by a smile, intoxicated by kind word dropped carelessly; but never have I had the
exquisite joy of love returned. Now I know what is meant by the ecstasy of a kiss. Ah! why is it we have no words
given us to express the things we feel so deeply? I believe it is no idle boast to say I would lay down my life without a
murmur for my Eva. My capacity for happiness must have increased, for I never knew such joy before.

I have a great many friends. Why is it people love me when I am so utterly repulsive in form & feature and still more in
mind? Were I anyone but myself I know I should hate this vile Kitty Ladd. It must be I am a hypocrite and do not show
myself as I am.


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I have had such nice letters today. First from Mr. Ayres. I never came so near loving him as I do today. It was in
answer to mine announcing my change of life, very kind and good. My lamp is going out so I must delay the rest.

March 21. The close of the term approaches. It has been eventful in some respects, especially in that I have determined
to become a Christian. It is good to serve the Lord, but alas! I am unworthy of this love. My heart is vile. When I of
the unutterable goodness of God, my heart is convicted of sin unpardonable. Writing here, where I cannot help
speaking the truth, reveals to me something of my depravity. I have not been faithful as a follower of the Lamb. O, I
would walk in the path of virtue. I would draw nearer & nearer into the perfect day. Ah, could I but feel the joy of an
approving conscience. I am completely disgusted with myself. I would I could change places with someone.


Is it necessary to speak of my improvement in intellectual things? In one respect I think I do know more than ever
before; viz. I am fully convinced of my utter ignorance. Worse than that, I am aware that there is no possibility of my
ever improving for my mind is incapable of comprehending truth. As to particular recitations, I have been the dunce of
every class. I am thankful to Mr. Wood for for that that--he has helped me to this conclusion. We have had private
examinations this week which have done a good deal to take down my self conceit. They have been demonstrative
proof that impressions made on my mind have no more durability than if a seal plunged into the water. ... I am so
inconceivably illogical. It is impossible for me to apprehend the relations of things. Education of such mental
imbecility is a gross mistake. My father will find it so some time and regret his kindness.


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March 14. He kissed me tonight, my own dear father. Ah! but his lips were soft and sweet and loving. He is a dear
kind father, gives me everything I want and still more loves me a little.

Mr. Lewis, the village schoolteacher has spent the evening here. Never was it my fortune to pass these weary hours
with so bashful and taciturn a young gentleman. Mr. Shuman and I meet in the parlor and instead of having nothing to
say cannot find time to express our flowing thoughts & brilliant ideas. [To me Mr. L.] has been otherwise. The
consciousness ... the fault is more than half mine bears with it a story that suits [some] badly. I wish I could go to some
school where they teach ... to say something when it [falls to their lot] to entertain company. I fear my heart is very
susceptible. I like bashful people.


Mar. It is so noble to be a hero in the strife, to know that this great world is conscious of your presence, feels your
power. And yet, since my work is among the lowly, since it is at most to be but the widow's mite, I should be thankful
too for that. My heart is overcome by the blood of the Lamb. I do long to do something for my precious Savior and
first to lead a holy life, to be wholly consecrated. How much, how very much have I to be thankful for! God is so
unutterably good, so very full of love to us, miserable sinners. I have been reading that wonderful book, The Diary of
Mrs. Kitty Trevylyan and it has thrilled me with a new impulse. Glorious indeed is it to write books, but still more
glorious to live on God's earth and do his will. Oh, I am so glad that I have been brought back to good place. Oh that I
might grow in grace while I stay [home].


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Eva is coming. It is not wrong, is it, for me to love her so? "Oh, I guess not, Kitty," were her words when I said so.
Would she, will she, I mean, love me when she comes back? I room with Miss Steele now. I engaged after Eva said
she was not coming back and now she does not seem inclined to release me.

April 1. Just to think that Eva is here and I see hardly anything of her! Lizzie Steele is a noble girl wondrously good
and kind, whose forte lies in the sublime, but when I think of Eva I am almost wild with vexation and despair. It must
be because I am not pure enough to appreciate Lizzie but nevertheless I cannot help shrinking from the touch of her
hand, almost the sound of her voice.

My book year closes today. I have not read quite a book a week, only forty-eight during the whole year. I mean to do
better in the future.


It is natural I suppose, for the genius school-girl to build air-castles. Pleasant is it certainly to dream of that far-off future
wherein we are to be workers. What will be my destiny? Is the picture to be light or shadow, is happiness or misery to
be my position? The question of Vassar College rises in the distance. Am I to pace those Classic Halls, drink at those
illimitable founts of wisdom, and there satisfy this insatiable thirst for knowledge? I wonder if Prof. Wood does really
hate me? It would seem so. He is a wonderful man, so simple-hearted pure souled for such a strong man. He is infinity
beyond me in goodness as well as in greatness. I have a good reputation as a scholar. My thoughts are becoming more
& more diluted therefore I close.


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April 11. The history of my connection with Vassar will doubtless be of vast interest to me in future ages, so I add a
few words tonight. The last circular informs the inquiring multitudes that they must be examined rigorously in
Geography, Grammar and Arithmetic, the rudiment of Latin and Equations of the 1st Degree!! I am a graduate of the
Wesleyan academy and am reading Homer. If that is really the limit of the "pre-requisites," I can only say that the
College will do more harm than good to the [oasis] of female education. I have almost decided not to go. There is one
other point however. In Mr. Ayres' letter today, he spoke very highly of Vassar and said he wished I would go. I cannot
deny that this has some influence. I am waiting anxiously for the final catalogue, that I may know definitely the course
of study.


Apr. 16. What is the record of my Christian experience? Am I making any progress in the way of holiness? I think
that in my inmost heart my desires & determinations are stronger than ever. One thing that gives me courage,--I
certainly do love the Christians that are around me, instead of hating them with the old bitterness. I attend Mr. Wood's
class-meeting, and I cannot help thinking that it will be a means of good to my spiritual life. He told us that we must
throw off the sin that does most easily beset us and forgetting the things that are behind press forward to the prize of our
high calling in Christ Jesus. I do wish to grow pure and beautiful in word and deed. We have had eloquent sermons
today from Bishop Clark, one of the first men in the Methodist Church. "What lack I yet?" was his text this afternoon.
Alas! I am utterly wanting in every good thing.


May 24. I am glad tonight that I am a Christian. That is the way I have decided to commence the announcement of the
melancholy news that is to follow. Plainly, Ellen Holden has the Valedictory and I--a Classical Essay. I have been
trying to get passionate over it, to tear my hair and wear sack cloth and ashes, but it is impossible. I am perfectly
surprised that I do not care more. If it were not that Mr. Ayres is coming I think it would not be so very bad. Only
every one had told me for so long that I would have it, and I had so confidently expected to triumph! I am sure I do not
envy Miss Holden, I would not change places with her, for I know I am the better scholar. Honors! What matters it?
One thing I have heard. The teachers confessed that my scholarship deserved the highest honor, but taking all things
into consideration Miss Holden was preferred.


I would give anything to know what those other considerations are, and also to know how each teacher voted. That I
should fail so utterly, who have thought myself so sure of success! I cannot help think it is strange.

--I understand that gracefulness, dignity, and a quiet self-possession are the fortunate characteristics that have procured
my rival the contested honor.

June 15. I have lived in a wonderful atmosphere today. That is wrong, it is not the atmosphere but myself that am in an
unusual condition. I do not know whether to call this abnormal state physical or mental. I cannot describe it otherwise
than that I feel tense. My nerves are wrought to a high pitch of excitement, and this by no cause except that I have been
working out astronomical problems. I glory in this power of comprehension. No


life-work appears to me more beautiful now than to explore the mysteries of nature, to seek out the laws that govern
matter, and to become master of this universe at my feet. It is glorious to live. I have so many friend that I love, the
familiar scenes are growing so dear to me that I feel I will tug sorely at my heart strings to break the ties that have bound
us. Two weeks! I do bless the Lord that he led me to this place. When I came I had two objects in view. I wished first
of all to become a Christian, and after that I was eager to grow in knowledge. My heart is at peace. I love my God. My
life is to be devoted to his service. For the rest, I feel that at least I have grown in the love of knowledge. It is so
fascinating to find out things, and to feel that your mind is gaining strength.


It has been my fashion to record Moonlight Walks, so I will just note the last. The unfortunate part of it was that we
staid out until three o'clock. Of that I feel ashamed in the sight of others, but for myself I have not the slightest sense of
having been degraded by it. On the whole I enjoyed it, though we were at swords points when we started. Since then
we have been more congenial. I have accepted Mr. Ayres company for the last day of school, and what will be the
result of the collision I cannot imagine. Two weeks! and it will be ended--this dream of mine. --It is rather unpleasant to
have too many dreams at once. Of course, I am faithful to the once center of dreaming, but since that is unattainable, I
[parly] on the outskirts. My woman's destiny is wrapped up in the few years that succeed. I tremble, yet I would not
[rid] it now.


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I find that I have neglected to give the latest intelligence from "Vassar". The Catalogue has come, and is a perfect
model of the college of my imagination. I can only say that I am charmed. But fate is against me for the present. This
year I do not pace the spacious corridors of Vassar. I am not sure that I regret it, for I have a pleasant picture of [me]
home-life before me. I have arranged to study hard, take music lesson in Hartford and prepare myself to enter the third
year of the course. Then there is a baby at home. Incomprehensible as it may seem, that is a pleasant prospect. Ah! I
am in such a happy mood tonight every thing paints itself in glowing colors. The world is glorious. More, it is God-like
& the Father's. On every side, I behold earth with [its] thousand voices [praising] God.


July 2. All is over! My dream of school-life is dead and my other dreams all are no more. I have a right to feel proud
now. My success was perfect. I was clapped when I went on the stage, clapped when I got through more than anyone
else, received four bouquets and was called back upon the stage. I was the only one that could be heard at the doors.

Bah! a month is gone and this is stale. Pleasant enough was my success but school girl triumphs are fleeting. Wonder if
I couldn't moralize a little now on going "forth" from the cloister and assuming the responsibilities of an educated
woman. What a strange feeling is this that comes over me! I did not know I was a woman. I commenced this book a
girl. Day by day I have turned the leaves and suddenly I find a page whereon there is laid open the heart of a woman
wits its mysterious


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magic, its power of divination, shrinking, receding, into its native darkness, ... the living, quivering fibres. Ahem! a
digression. To descend. I was about to introduce the closing tragedy. Mr. S. made himself fascinating the last week.
One night his invitation for the [morrow] was not accepted. Very calm. Perfect control. Something savage underneath
meanwhile. Good-night a la icicle. Mr. A was charming at first! talked orators, music, college-life. The Interview was
a success for me. Walked with Mr. S. ([E.V.] Milbury, Mass.) talked a la indifferent, then tenderly. Last morning, Mr.

S. in parlor said the rival had been boasting that &c.--warning pathetic. Good-bye. It was so pleasant that morning to
think that people liked me. The center of dreaming had not a word or look, however. That dream is crushed then. That
center is not at Westfield. Going home, Mr. A & I very simply discovered our want of affinity, and our paths parted.

July. 2[9]. Saturday night! Pleasant memories have been floating over me of the Methodist classroom. I wish it were
an institution of the Congregational church, for it gives me strength. May God help me tomorrow. Sunday with Josie &
uncle Joe to entertain.

Aug.5. I gaze at the stars and they inspire me. I read Les Miserables and it inspires me. I dream. I wake to life and I
am spiritless, insipid, weak. I am stagnating here. It shall not last. Perhaps I am recruiting my forces, but no, I feel that
my life is oozing away at every pore. I write here and am fascinated with myself, my ideals, my destiny. I look at Josie
and I abhor myself. Yet may not my life be noble? May I not consecrate it to the Lord. Though I inspire, dislike
repulsion, is not God merciful?


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Is this utter weakness? God help me. A life of consecration, of devotion. It is beautiful. It is for all.

Before me as I enter upon life are three paths. What destinies hang upon my choice! There is, most glorious, a picture
of Vassar. The door-keeper is my Aunt and she is not reliable. Almost enticing is a winter in New York, unendurable
but for music, with that a temptation. Most true presents me a teacher.

Aug. 13. Next Wednesday I am to be examined for admission to the church and early in September I make profession
of the faith. God grant me strength! Not that I am ashamed to own my precious Savior, not that I hesitate to identify
myself with Gods people, but that I sometime


doubt my own heart. Comes the promise "As thy day is, so shall thy strength be." Shall I not trust my Faith? Blessed
words. I thank thee God. My heart is full of peace and joy tonight.

Aug. 19. Tonight they are ... in the fourth parlor. "Brother" Wood is breathing into hearts that may be faint and weary
the magnetism of his earnest words & spirit of devotion. My nature is such that I need Christian intercourse and
communion; this week has been pleasant because the examination has shed a light over it. It seemed strange, almost
formal to have those brothers [is] Christ at such a time call each other Mr. I think at heart I am very much of a
Methodist.


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The records of a soul struggling upward! The contest with darkness, the gleams and flashes of light, the heavy settling
down that block impenetrable, the crushing ... of being, the torn veil, victory, light. The unutterable, the [infinite].

It is decided that I teach. Vassar & ... stand in the antechamber. I am even pleased. It is a glorious mission to beam
light to others.

I am really growing to love my new mother. We are perfectly in accord of late. Love is the everlasting [year] wherein
all things [earlier] I have written here that I hated. I hate no longer. The world is beautiful and good, full of love and
harmony, [singing] continued [praises] unto God continual songs of [joys mortal].


I am in hopes that when my engagement as teacher is consummated I may have a sufficient motive for exertion. There
are so many things I want to do that I succeed in accomplishing nothing. Even my letters remain unanswered.

Sept. 9 I am tired of the things I have written in this book. I wish I might strike some new vein and be original.

I joined the church last Sunday.

Life is such an inexplicable mystery to me. I think I am looking at a picture through bits of colored glass as the children
do. The different [media] give appearances that differ essentially and I know not which is the truth. I have this thought
that ere many years the glasses will all be broken but the white


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that I cannot distinguish now. Even thin glass with refract the straight rays and the picture is still distorted and dim, but
the time will come when we shall no longer see through a glass darkly, but face to face.

Oct. 7. There have been certain matrimonial infelicities today resulting in tears and utter silence.

I have found an old volume of the Edinburgh Review for 1837, and it is decidedly interesting. My ... book in course is
the Wealth of Nations.

I was in want of [monie] to file my application at the [Graham's] Institute and then plans suggested themselves. Father
was coming home from Portsmouth he might bring me a present. I might write for the press, or the German paper or try
to obtain


work as a translator. Perhaps I could draw my friends from the bank. So far I failed. I might borrow of Aunty [or make
butterflies] or wait until I went to Hartford and and there might be some change left from shopping. By this last means I
came into possession of two dollars which [some how] already gone its errand. May it prove successful.

Such a charming letter from Eva. She really loves me and once more we are [affianced] lovers. I so long to see her.

I have worked out this fact: that we do learn in a wonderful manner to accommodate ourselves to our circumstances in
whatever state we are in therewith to be content.


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Oct 30. I did not expect to be at home so late as this. Certainly it is not very pleasant here. My plans for teaching
however have not as yet amounted to anything, though I have expended a small fortune in postage stamps. In
imagination I am now living in Indiana teaching German, Latin, & Mathematics.

I am reading an interesting volume of Voltaire's Letters, and for the languages, Cicero.

Nov. 2. O the terror, O the horror, O the exceeding hatefulness of "our paper". Was it herein [approved] that I am an
editor? [Our] class have commenced "The Chronicles" and I have to write an article. All day I have been trying to
think, but not a single idea will come to me.


Nov. 20. I think it must be pretty well known in this country that I am a woman in search of employment, for my
missives have been wandering about in almost every direction. The latest intelligence, up to the moment of going to
press, is that I am to be a music teacher at Wilbraham provided there are scholars enough to occupy the time of a ...
assistant. Very doubtful that.

--21. My plans are shifting as the wind which today blows cold and relentless. Aunt Riar wants me to go to
Cambridgeport with her and spend the winter. Que dit mon pere? Nous verrons


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It would be delightful to have music lessons there--operas, Lectures, &C &c. But it would be more than delightful to
converse with Prof. Wood on the subjects in which we are both interested. May God direct me aright. It is my sincere
desire to submit my will unto the divine guidance. My grand object is still Vassar, the question is how to dispose of this
year of patient waiting. It must in some way be directed into the grand channel, but how best?

-26 Oh, Vassar, land of my longing! When shall I [pace] thy spacious corridors & bury myself in thy ... of forgotten ...?
Echo ... When.


[Dec.1.] Eighteen! Life is not a dream then? It has years and ... number ...?

Dec. 3. Whither, ah! whither! Who am I and what? Why do I live? (Where am I tending? What am I to do?

Let me die the death of the righteous and let my end be like his.

Meanwhile, how I should like to know something of the [centre] of dreaming. A wish may summon me to Wilbraham.
I do so long to be doing something that even this prospect rejoices me, and I can even conquer my repugnance to
meeting the outskirts. Far from pleasant it is to be sure, but infinitely better than idleness. All my ways are ordered of
the Lord. May I ever acknowledge him and may he direct my steps.


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A-t-elle de la beaute, ma soeur? Que je l'aime, qu'elle est bonne! Mais oui, et je crois qu'elle m'aime un peu.
Certainement, elle me respecte, elle me regarde comme son guide. Nos cousins sont venues et elles sont tres-gauches;
mais la gaucherie, ce n'est pas la la [pise] chose du monde. J'ai sommeil, et il n'est pas sept heures. Ai-je tort? Mais que
ferai-je? Ou irai-je? Dieu est bon! Ma soeur a la mal du tete.

Mademoisellle [Nandy] enseigne la belle langue a mon ecole. Ah! je ne peut me souvenir des mots de cette ... langue
Francaise. Ils m' .... Si je pouvais voir un peu un Francais ou un Allemand! Ou demeurre-t-il en un? Quand verrai je la
bel homme?


Dec 19. I shall believe soon that all households are continually at war, if I trust my experience. Aunt [Leucadia] and
family, Aunt Riar & family & Mrs. Robinson & ... are at Grandma's, and [Jennie] & I have delightful times there
playing charades &c. Then when we come home such sour looks & cross words as we receive! It is really laughable to
see how slight a thing calls forth spite and sneers--fraid I'm getting personal--if it were not also pitiable to see how
miserable two human beings can be when they try. I sit in the far off spheres and look on, do?


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Oh! but is it wrong for me to weary at this life? So utterly unsatisfactory is it to make beds. So little real enjoyment do
I find in mending stockings. I live without one friend. I am--Ah! it is so wicked for me to complain. What is life but
trials? What are we that we should be happy? As ... on the ... years that remain here as elsewhere. I have not the least
faith in great actions & noble thoughts. It were impossible to inspire me to look beyond this very narrow boundary-line
that is drawn for me.

Let us be patient. Let us not gaze upon the windows of our prison house. Forgotten sky & lake & meadow.


--It is hard to serve two masters. Jennie & I are to be ... for we succeed in making friends of neither. Oh, it is so
miserable--I'm tired--I'm crying--I want my mother.

Why do I persist in [kicking]?

Dec. 31. A year ago I watched in the new year on my knees. This evening I have spent in foolish talk at my Grandma's,
but joy of joys my father was with me, and tomorrow we take dinner there. Who would have thought that this year was
to come in with a peace anthem to our private [hearth] as well as to the altar of the nation. I am so, so glad of this
reconciliation after three years of hostility. Got sei Dank.


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And now what of my inner life? Shall I continue in the usual cant or shall I confess that I am dead long since and am
only praying to be buried deeper deeper down under the earth, only a little deeper for Christ's sake. Not that there is the
least vital warmth remaining, or any danger of a resurrection. Dead, Dead.

So let us continue the story of gradual decay, the gnawing of the worms, the slow putrefaction, the resolving into the
primitive essences.

I see the curling smoke of the ears & listen to the far off winter with a dull passionate pain at my heart. Such an intense
longing to be somewhere, to do something other than what is before me. Content could not be happiness.


I sit in my bower and wait with mournful patience the arrival of the prince. Was he passed by and was his disguise too
perfect? Ah me! to think of the women who have waited in vain. What, oh what is this wonderful commingling of
forces? Whither do we [tend] & wherefore are we? Are we not [rather] phantom shadows from the light of the
Invisible, or light sparkles floating in the ether of divinity? Wherefore, Wherever, Whereto?

The heavens are immeasurably grander when the moon is bright. The eye is not restricted by the starry orbs but
[gazes]into limitless space. O for the time when the attraction of the infinite shall overcome this gross corporeal
gravitation toward the earth, and draw us resistless


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into itself.

The interstellar spaces are so much greater when the moon is bright! Is it that as the stars grow smaller the mind
insensibly places them at a greater distance?

The moon in mid-heaven--ten thousand stars in the snow--a fleecy line of cloud stretching along the ... resting on the
horizon in a narrow point. O my loved [Maienthal] out there sleeping at the foot of yonder mountain ... of you? and
thou, Emanual [dost thou] gaze tonight upon this glorious scene! does thy soul expand beneath thy great teacher and art
thou longing to be hence! O thou pure soul thou great! thou inexhaustible! Is there no subtle chain of flowers between
us and does not thy heart take cognizance of [science]?


Feb. 17. There have been some faint efforts at resuscitation in our charnel. house, but they are nothing worth.

I am the heroine of an exhibition that we shall have, but [Willikins]
is not the hero so I am not particularly interested.
Collected the past fortnight twenty three dollars for Sunday school Library.
Attend sing schools occasionally for the purpose of weakening the force of magnetic attraction by proximity without

contact. A painful but highly gratifying process. The only difficulty is that the victories are not permanent.

I live without a friend, and even my correspondents desert me. Continue to answer adverisements, and to apply through
the Teachers' Institute, but as usual without success.
Hostilities are renewed on the aris et focis.
Am reading Richard III. Admire his character & find striking resemblances between it & my own.


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18. Willikins has invited me to a party at Ellen Marshall's or Lamphere's rather.
"The Cronicle" came tonight after a long delay. [Moriss] ... pronounced it "very good-- my peice[sic] I mean to say.
26. Delightful party at Ellen's. Willikins au fait in everything, et le gentilhomme always.
March 14. The grand exhibition came off last evening. We played the "Skeleton Witness" for tragedy and for comedy
the Vermont Wool-Grower. Gorton's hall was nearly filled between four & five hundred being present. I think we were
successful but I am not sure. Willikins took me out to supper. He leaves us for Chicago in May. Mr. miserabile! I am
in love with Mr. [Loper].


Glad he's married so I can't suffer from disappointment.

I continually rebel but in silence and without effect. I am [haste]-with-gusto now. I am a wretch, a hypocrite, a villain,
and anything else you can think of. Ah! that I might be in the world and of the world! I am stiffled in this close
atmosphere. Am I ambitious? Yes, and am eager for praise no matter from whom. Is there anything that men long for
more than this--that they might sleep in their cool graves? These [words are swimming]in my mind continually. "Oh
[wretched], hungry, starving, poor!"--that is my [lamotype]. I am darkness only. Willikins likes Greek, I have


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discovered a [latent] passion for that language.
March 23. I am so wicked sometimes as to paraphrase the sermon, and by this means I make it very interesting. Mr.

Peabody is not a particularly fine preacher. Tant mieux. No danger of the miracle of resurrection.

Apr. Finished my book year with the full complement of fifty-two volumes. My aim for the next year is to show a
better class of books.
Commenced giving ... ... Music lessons the 28th of March.
It is very strange that our pulses thrill / at the sight of a voiceless thing. / And our breasts yearn so with tenderness / In

the beautiful time of Spring.
I have opened my Botany. The pages are filled with faint odors of by-your-summons. Here and there a leaf or a faded


and broken flower looks out at me as a symbol of the hopes that like borken and withered.

Apr 15. I think it is not advisable to keep a journal--it leads one to think so much of self. I am utterly selfish. I think of
nothing, care for nothing but my own advantage.

May 8. I have seen two women who preserve religiously the eternal silences of the soul. Never a word escapes their
lips beyond the bare necessities of daily domestic life. Are they continually full of sweet contemplations? Are the
inward cadences of their lives attuned to the soft and beautiful sounds of nature? They have a musical instrument. Does
it serve them instead of vulgar speech? At their door are two doves whose cry is most sad, yet tuneful. Is it not a very


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echo of their lives? The face of the younger sister has that expression of speechless, [brute]-like woe that we sometimes
see. Their eyes are the eyes of oxen, sad, waiting eyes, eyes that see not in the world even the dim foreshadowing of
that inner divine light, yet still seek it, without hope, without despair, only with a restless, every present sense of
incompleteness and of longing. The other is gifted by nature with a stronger faith, ... more [dauntless] courage, and
clings relentlessly to the few great truths of nature.

May 11. When the city of Donay was besieged, the inhabitants had been celebrating a festival and were all deep in their
drunken slumbers with the single exception of an old woman who ran screaming through the streets, around the people
and thus averted the danger.


For eighteen hundred years we have had no word from God. How do we know that he is still alive? By the testimony
of Christians.

A crazy astronomer wished to build an immense triangle, large enough to be discerned at the distance of the spheres,
that other worlds might know this globe was inhabited by intelligent beings, since the triangle is a figure that is not
found in nature.

Does ... require a continued exertion of power, or when once the fiat goes forth is it sufficient to endure throughout the
ages?

Commenced taking music lesson of Babcock May 24th ... 28th.

June 8. Josie is coming & to stay all summer it would appear. Strange to relate I am really glad. It is a fact that I am
getting tired of the taciturn existence.


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that I lead and I shall enjoy having some one to talk with. My little plans for the summer are quite pleasant if they are
only destined to be carried out. [First] we are going on a little excursion up to Thompsonville. That is for tomorrow.
The last of the month I expect to go to my beloved Marienthal. Ah! Emanuel! art thou still brave & true & joyous! dost
thou live in the midst of heroic thoughts & art thy days a continual inspiration! Mr. [Shum] has the Philosophical Essay,
a well-deserved honor. After Marienthal, I am going to Portsmouth where Josie & I are to have a magnificent party
given in our honor, then perhaps to Aunt Riar's, & then joy of joys, the White Mountains are to crown my happiness.
[Sarah Tupper] too I expect during the


summer & perhaps some of the other girls, and for the climax I think I think I will put down for September Vassar
College or it may be Oberlin. Could anything be pleasanter? I confess though that all the rest would willingly be
sacrificed to secure the realization of my long cherished college scheme. I have dwelt upon this so long that I have
become quite morbid on the subject, & life presents a perfect blank without it.

It is rumored that ... is soon to boast a ... room. Tis most wonderful but it may be true.

...9. The temper of the lovely woman or the "lovely [woe]" as we abbreviate her name ... not exactly perfect. Now that
she has a child of her own to absorb her thoughts I suppose it is not to be expected that she should be other


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than jealous of the rest of us. Certainly she does not waste much affection or kindness upon any of us, and I am afraid
our feelings are not of the pleasantest towards her. I have at length conquered my aunt .... I suppose it was natural that
being so much with me she should at length come to depend upon me & to ... my character for [sanctity] & wisdom.
Aunt [Frank] & aunt Carolina are coming soon.

[17.] I am writing now to kill time waiting for Josie to go to sleep so I can write some letters. Goodnight she has just
said and turned over so I will just bid adieu to this old journal of mine.

Sarah Tupper is coming the last of the month. I am so glad, only I wish I had a dear good mother to receive her. Tis so
unpleasant for me to receive company in the present condition of the family politics.


Studies of Character.

F.R.L. A working Christian I suppose, but rather of the class disagreeable. Think herself and every thing she does
entirely perfect which is not a pleasing characteristic. Always driving and never stopping a moment to rest. Does what
she considers her duty unswervingly, unflinchingly, but is without natural affections. Never has the least sympathy with
others but is always unmoved, expressionless. Not at all literary but thinks herself so, hardly ever reads and never with
a seeming relish, but is very sensitive on that point. Does a great deal of active good to the world, gives freely to the
poor, both time and money. Without her, the family would have gone to rack and ruin long ago. Is very devotional on
Sundays, fastdays and Thanksgiving and also at morning and night, but seems to forget it all at other times. Considers
herself an exemplary Christian.

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What bombast I have written! One would think I was altogether a superior person, being much above her. I have
shown the ... [very] clearly. I have studied her more lately and I think I may have written too severely. She is very
good and kind, very self-sacrificing, does all in her power to render others happy sometimes, but she is very
[methodical], I know not how to express her sense of superiority over all others and of perfectness. I have sometimes
thought she [held still consideration] ... in her constitution. She often seems quite [verdant]. I cannot think her just
while she so lightly accuses others of dishonesty.

July 4, 1866. I write tonight in this book for the last time, and I cannot close more appropriately than by giving a
resume of what I saw & heard at Wilbraham, for it is the last scene of interest in my life provided Vassar continues a
myth. I reached there Tuesday evening. Mary ... was glad to see me and took me right to her room. Strawberries and
Grout for


tea and after tea a lecture by Mr. Newhall, Professor of English Literature at Middletown, subject Shakespeare, well
written & exceedingly interesting. Slept in Prof. Chester's old room. Next day was the exhibition, did not get there ...
the hall was crowded & so heard more of the exercises. Met Mr. W.I. Wood & Mr. Cowell in Athena Hall & chatted
very pleasantly for an hour or so, called on Mrs. Hempstead, & walked & talked with Abbie Spear. In the evening there
was the Interview of ancient memory. Walked every time & had three or four engagements at twelve o'clock when the
affair broke up. Promised to correspond with Mr. Ellis & refused W.I. Ever so many old students were there & it was
really very pleasant to see them again. Only Mr. Sherman was very sick & had been obliged to go home. They say he
does not expect to live / is very sad. I am so sorry for him, even a little conscience-stricken? Saw his sister and was
quite charmed with her. Now


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I believe I have cleared away the rubbish of minor affairs and am ready for the Professor. Met him in the hall first
where he talked a while very pleasantly, then after tea Mary Nell & I went to his room to give him some flowers. His
father & mother were there, having come from Indiana to see their children graduate. Had a most agreeable call & the
Professor promised to give me his Photograph, as it was dark then he would bring it to me during the evening. At least
he came & took me to walk. We talked about Astronomy & the kindred sciences. Sirius is the beautiful star of my
Emanuel. Talked about the Netherlands whence his family came. Talked about his studies--everything he liked when
he was successful in it, but Physics was ever that to which he returned continually and irresistibly. Talked about his
teaching--he tried to give some foolish reason why his classes were so apt to become discouraged, while I was too
stupid to think of the true reason which is that he knows so infinitely much more than any of his scholars can ever hope
to know that it ought to make them despair. Talked upon literary [society]--the terrible [desolation] of being entirely
without it.


[columns of names]
Smith / Cowel / Ayres / Allen / Cook / Bryant / [Voon] / Dusenb...

Smith / Ayres / Allen / ... / Ellis / Welch / [Frank]

Ingham / [Voon] / Moses / Moses / Ellis / Cook / [Dusenb... / Ayres

Russell / Booth / Cook / Hall / Ingols / Ingols / Ellis /Baker / Lincoln / Davis/ Barnes / [Peck]

Ayres / Sherman / [Dunn]

Cowell / Booth / Grant / Wood / Ellis / Allen / Leland / Cooke / Russell / Russell / Grant / [Holway] / Welsh / Davis /
Professor.

[11-75]
And most of all we talked thus: May I ask you one thing, Mr. Wood? You said once in one of your political speeches
something about women's voting. What do you think about it? You may ask me and I will tell you. Do you remember
exactly what I said? Yes, you had proved that there should be no distinction of color & then you said you did not see
why there should distinction of sex. I saw no ground for that distinction then and I see none now. From my reading of
history I consider it arbitrary and I think that in time it will pass away. I would not urge women to vote only let them
have liberty to vote. Still let them not ask but let it be given them


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from the justice of man. Tis very bad logic to say that because they vote they must go to war, we must exempt
ministers, officials, why not another class? Do you think you & I will live to see a lady of color in the President's chair?
At his he laughed, had not considered it in that light before, yet the philosopher if once convinced of his premises must
not shrink from carrying them out to their legitimate result. Yes, if a colored woman was the fittest person in the
country to be President, let her be president. Women, he continued, are not gregarious. Alone they would never govern
the world successfully, but associate them with men and you infuse a new vigor into political life. Why should the
world be deprived of all the power & talent, the high thought and noble purpose of half the human race. Then with
exceeding boldness, I spoke thus: Men care for women only as playthings. You philosophers when you are wearied
with your deep research & long hours of study, like the children, need a pretty toy, an expensive toy in these days, to
amuse you. He winced. Did he think me rude? Certainly this [sow] is the most insignificant creature of my
acquaintance. Then he gave me his picture & we parted forever. Is it not a long time? I did not see him in the morning
& thus I came away from my Alma Mater. Sarah Tupper came home with me & made a very pleasant visit.